- Andy Dwyer: [talking into tape recorder] 7:34 p.m. Man dressed as a nerd. Female dressed as... crazy witch.
- Man: Neither of us is in costume.
- Andy Dwyer: Case closed. Candy please.
- Diane Lewis: Am I interrupting something important?
- Ron Swanson: Impossible. I work for the government.
- Tom Haverford: Doctor, medically speaking, how would you describe what happened to Jerry?
- Dr. Harris: He had a mild heart attack.
- Tom Haverford: Yeah, but he also exhibited excessive flatulence. Is there a term for having a heart attack while releasing so much gas?
- Dr. Harris: Not really. Gastrointestinal distress is common during a cardiac event.
- Tom Haverford: I just want to hear the doctor say that Jerry had a fart attack! Is that too much to ask?