Modern Family (TV Series)
Yard Sale (2012)
Eric Stonestreet: Cameron Tucker
Photos
Quotes
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Claire Dunphy : [concerned about Alex's new boyfriend] If she wants to get her heart broken by a gay guy, she can do so when she's 18 or 19 and can drink her way through it.
Mitchell Pritchett : Aw. You're a "good mother."
Claire Dunphy : Mm-hmm.
Cameron Tucker : I don't know, Claire. You could be wrong. Boys aren't as concerned about traditional masculinity anymore. You know, they're not butching it up. They're not pushing down their feelings.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah, they care about their clothes.
Cameron Tucker : Mm-hmm.
Mitchell Pritchett : They-they... they groom.
Cameron Tucker : Mm-hmm.
Mitchell Pritchett : Everybody's hairless. Yeah, you can't tell anything anymore.
Cameron Tucker : Mm-mm.
Claire Dunphy : Really?
Alex Dunphy : Oh. Hey. Hey. Uncle Mitch, Uncle Cam, this is Michael.
Mitchell Pritchett : Hi!
Cameron Tucker : Hello.
Michael : [effeminantly] Hi.
Alex Dunphy : [leading him away] Okay, come on.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yep, he's gay.
Cameron Tucker : We stand corrected.
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Cameron Tucker : Now I feel terrible... These feelings would go good with pie.
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Claire Dunphy : There he is! Sweetheart, do you love it?
Phil Dunphy : No, Claire, I do not love it.
Claire Dunphy : Oh, that's too bad, 'cause you look so cool on that.
Phil Dunphy : [getting off, revealing he's missing a pant leg] Do I, Claire? Do I really?
Claire Dunphy : What happened?
Phil Dunphy : It's a long story. Check your inbox. But suffice it to say, I'm not buying that motorcycle.
Claire Dunphy : Uh-huh.
Phil Dunphy : I know what I am, Claire. I'm not a rider. I'm a Strider. I hope that's sexy enough for you.
Claire Dunphy : Well, I can see stuff.
Phil Dunphy : Yeah, I know. I can feel air on it. It's not like I have another pair of pants.
Mitchell Pritchett : [giving him a pair of Cam's pants] Well, today is your lucky day. It's for a good cause.
Cameron Tucker : You might need a belt.
Phil Dunphy : Oh, I doubt it. I bet we wear the same size.
Cameron Tucker : Don't do that.
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Mitchell Pritchett : Well, what can you do?
Claire Dunphy : I can't do anything, but you two could talk to her.
Mitchell Pritchett : And tell her what?
Claire Dunphy : Michael's playing for the pink team.
Cameron Tucker : Okay, we get to say that. You don't really.
Claire Dunphy : I know, because you have credibility, and I have the opposite of credibility. I have... I am a mother.
Mitchell Pritchett : Okay, we're not doing this. No.
Cameron Tucker : Well, now hold on just a minute. You know, when I was... young and straight, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rock star. I'm not proud of it.
Mitchell Pritchett : Ah, you're kind of proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations. He brought it up yesterday.
Cameron Tucker : Okay, how am I supposed to walk into a dry cleaner and not mention my girlfriend Wendy Jo Martinizer?
Claire Dunphy : Can we get back to my problem?
Mitchell Pritchett : You don't have a problem, okay? They're kids. They're gonna work it out.
Claire Dunphy : [as Mitchell leaves] Can you talk to her?
Cameron Tucker : Not when she's like this. Oh, you mean Alex.
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Cameron Tucker : Well, well, well. What's this all about? Is there a... a new man in Alex's life?
Claire Dunphy : Well, she certainly thinks so. Is there any way that boy is straight?
Mitchell Pritchett : Ooh, what's going on? Who are we looking at?
Claire Dunphy : Uh, it's Alex's new "boyfriend" Michael.
Mitchell Pritchett : What's up with the air quotes?
Cameron Tucker : She thinks he's gay.
Claire Dunphy : I "think" he's gay the same way I "think" that lamp is hideous.
Cameron Tucker : Okay, brought it, made it in art class.
Claire Dunphy : Look, I like Michael. I really do. I just... I don't want her to get her heart broken. When it comes to boys, her self-esteem is low enough as it is.
Cameron Tucker : I don't know. Alex seems pretty darn tough.
Claire Dunphy : Oh, she's just sarcastic on the outside. Inside, she's just a fragile little girl.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yes, by all means, look right at me when you say that.
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Cameron Tucker : J'accuse!
Mitchell Pritchett : I'm sorry. One more time?
Cameron Tucker : It's just a dramatic way of accusing you of stashing my fat pants in a bush! Saboteur!
Mitchell Pritchett : That's a second way.
Cameron Tucker : How... could... you?
Mitchell Pritchett : And a third.
Cameron Tucker : Why, Mitchell? Why?
Mitchell Pritchett : Cam... oh, come on. All right, the... this is a little hard to say, but... every time you get rid of these pants, you have to buy them all over again, and you get depressed, all right? This is just a way to have a safety net.
Cameron Tucker : I can't have a safety net, Mitchell. Otherwise, I won't be successful and keep the weight off. Have you ever thought of that?
Mitchell Pritchett : No. No, I didn't.
Cameron Tucker : You know, you're not the only one who remembers all the times I failed.
Mitchell Pritchett : You're right. I-I should support you more. I'm... I'm sorry.
Cameron Tucker : I'm happy to hear you say that.
Mitchell Pritchett : Well, I'm happy you're happy.
Alex Dunphy : Well, I hope you both are happy. Michael's not gay. Now he hates me. Thanks a lot.
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Alex Dunphy : I know what you think about Michael, mom. You didn't have to bring your big gay guns to back you up. No offense.
Mitchell Pritchett : None taken.
Cameron Tucker : I kinda like it.
Claire Dunphy : Okay. Honey, I am worried about you. I don't want you to get hurt.
Mitchell Pritchett : I told them that this was a bad idea, all right? You know, maybe Michael's gay. Maybe he's not. He is. Your mother just wants you to have all the information so that... that you can go slow.
Alex Dunphy : Uncle Mitchell, he's straight. We kissed.
Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, honey, I... I kissed a lot of girls when I wanted to be straight. And your uncle Cam kissed some, too, he says. But that's neither here nor there. What's important is that you make your own...
[Alex leaves]
Mitchell Pritchett : Where... wait, where are you going?
Alex Dunphy : It's not the olden days anymore, you guys. I can just ask him.
Claire Dunphy : Ohh.
Mitchell Pritchett : [to Claire] Hope you're happy.
Cameron Tucker : I'm not. That "olden days" comment was like a punch to the gut. She may as well have spray-painted it on my daddy's barn.
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Mitchell Pritchett : Well, we ruined Alex's life, by the way.
Claire Dunphy : I don't know. She looks okay.
Cameron Tucker : [seeing Alex with Michael] Oh, looks like they made up.
Claire Dunphy : Hmm. If she would just listen to me, I could help her avoid so much pain.
Mitchell Pritchett : Give it a rest. She's 14, all right? No matter who that boy is, he's not gonna last.
Claire Dunphy : Mm, you're right.
Cameron Tucker : Well, at least with a gay kid, you know she's gonna get a great flower arrangement. Should've seen the one I made Annabelle. Arranged it myself. It was gorgeous; 'til she pulled it apart and spelled "homo" on my porch.
Claire Dunphy : This doesn't make me feel any better.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [carrying Mr. Grumpy out] Gather around, everybody. I want you to meet somebody.
Claire Dunphy : Oh, but that might.
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Cameron Tucker : You know, Alex, you and Michael remind me so much of me and my first girlfriend, Annabelle Pickett.
Claire Dunphy : Huh. You had a girlfriend?
Cameron Tucker : Yeah. Cutest girl in Sunday school, too. So, one year, I asked her to go to the church bazaar lip-sync contest with me, and we did our version of "Endless Love", which was ironic, because two weeks later, I fell head over heels for a young square-jawed rodeo ticket-taker named Woody Ray.
Claire Dunphy : Oh, no.
Cameron Tucker : Of course, she was devastated, just destroyed her. And then she spray-painted something unrepeatable on my daddy's barn and never spoke to me again.
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Manny Delgado : Remember, everyone, this is for charity. Every dollar we earn helps a diseased child, a starving child, an abused child. Now have fun.
Cameron Tucker : Speaking of starving children, here's my contribution. Six pair of jeans that don't fit me anymore because I've lost 25 pounds. That's, like... one, two, three children's bowling balls.
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Mitchell Pritchett : Cam, are... are you really getting rid of all of these? I mean, they're almost new. It's... well, what if you, um...
Cameron Tucker : What if I what, Mitchell? Put the weight back on?
Mitchell Pritchett : No! No. No, what if you... you think of some creative art project that requires denim? You know, something farm- or Kelly Clarkson-themed?
Cameron Tucker : I've already done so much with that motif.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah. Yeah.
Cameron Tucker : You know what? No, sell 'em! I wanna purge, which, for the record, is not how I lost this weight.