Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

I Scream When I Pee (2012)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Walden Schmidt : [Referring to a dumb comment just made by Jake]  It's too bad antibiotics can't cure stupidity.

  Alan Harper : Hey, that's my son you...

  [pausing to think a moment] 

  Alan Harper : yeah, you're right.

• Walden Schmidt : How'd it go with Kandi last night?

  Alan Harper : Horrible - she wanted to have sex with me!

  Walden Schmidt : Why do bad things happen to good people!

• Walden Schmidt : [after Alan visits Kandi]  Hey, let me ask you a question.

  Alan Harper : Yes, they're spectacular!

• Kandi : [Unbuttoning her robe]  I have a couple of little friends here who want to say hello.

  Alan Harper : [Looking at Kandi's chest to the left]  Hello.

  [Looking to the right] 

  Alan Harper : Hello.

• Kandi : [after Alan refuses to sleep with her due to having a girlfriend]  You must really love her.

  Alan Harper : It's the only explanation I can come up with!