Jimmy Kimmel Live! (TV Series)

Jimmy Kimmel Sucks (2013)

Matt Damon: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Matt Damon - Host : Siri, who is the greatest stand-up comedian in the world?

  Siri : Definitely *not* Jimmy Kimmel. He is not funny at all. He is terrible. He is human garbage.

  Matt Damon - Host : Well, that's a given. But do a search for a world-class comedian in the immediate area who can come finish my monologue.

  Siri : Searching for a world-class comedian in the immediate area.

  Siri : I believe I have found someone close to you.

  Matt Damon - Host : Well, send him in.

  [Enter Robin Williams] 

• [Ben has been trying to override Matt's attempts to smear Jimmy Kimmel] 

  Ben Affleck : Forget it, Man! I couldn't do it to JIMMY!

  Matt Damon - Host : [as Ben is leaving]  Aw, come on, Ben. Please!

  Ben Affleck : [to Matt and Jimmy]  I never wanted it to end this way.

  Matt Damon - Host : [Ben has left]  He doesn't even LOVE YOU the way I love you! You'll see!

  Matt Damon - Host : [to the audience]  He'll see.

• Matt Damon - Host : [opening introduction]  From Hollywood, it's *this idiot's show*!

  [picture of Jimmy Kimmel with the caption "Idiot"] 

  Matt Damon - Host : With Matt Damon, Matt Damon, and musical guest Matt Damon. Da da da dahhhh, It's Jim-my Kim-mel Sucks! Finally, MATT DAMON!

• [after seeing a montage of all the times Jimmy bumped Matt] 

  Matt Damon - Host : [diabolical laughter]  We ran out of time. We ran out of time. That's, that's pretty funny. But tonight, you didn't run out of time for me, did you Jimmy? No, *I* ran out of time for *you*.

  [Jimmy groans off camera] 

  Matt Damon - Host : What's that, Jimmy?

  [camera moves over to reveal Jimmy Kimmel tied to a chair and gagged] 

  Matt Damon - Host : Is there a new host in town? And his initials are M. D. That's right! The *doctor* is in.

  [watch beeps] 

  Matt Damon - Host : Jimmy, that's our cue. We wouldn't want to miss the opening sequence. Da da da, da da da, da da daaaaaa.

  [cut to opening introduction] 

• Matt Damon - Host : Ladies and gentlemen, I took the liberty of hiring my own Guillermo. So please welcome legendary actor Andy Garcia.

  [Andy walks on to applause] 

  Matt Damon - Host : [Smiling]  Hello, Andy!

  Himself - Guest : [Badly imitating Guillermo]  Hello, Mr Matt Damon!

  Matt Damon - Host : [Grinning]  Are you prepared to be my faithful sidekick?

  Himself - Guest : Si, I brought my taser.

  Matt Damon - Host : He brought a taser and he's in character. Excellent, mi amigo!

• Matt Damon - Host : Who else can we get rid of? Uh, yes, the Band Leader. What's your name?

  Himself - Musical Director : I'm Cleto.

  Matt Damon - Host : Nah, never heard of you. Say hello to the NEW Band Leader. This is Sheryl Crow.

  Sheryl Crow : [Sheryl materializes right next to Cleto]  You get the night off, Cleto! You get the night off!

  [Cleto leaves] 

• [first lines] 

  Matt Damon - Host : Welcome to tonight's episode of "Jimmy Kimmel Sucks". I'm your host, Matt Damon. Tell me something, is it weird to see someone with *actual talent* host this show?

  [huge applause from audience] 

• Matt Damon - Host : Now, I am going to be making some changes to the show because I believe that you, the audience, deserve the *best show possible*. Let's start with... ..uh... .

  Matt Damon - Host : [points to Guillermo]  YOU. Hi Guillermo.

  Guillermo Rodriguez : [meekly and respectfully]  Hi, Mister Matt Damon.

  Matt Damon - Host : [scoffs]  Don't Mister Matt Damon me! You're Kimmel's sidekick! You're probably just gonna go untie him the minute my back is turned.

  [Kimmel nods enthusiastically] 

  Guillermo Rodriguez : No, no. I don't like Jimmy. He's a DUMB-ASS!

  Matt Damon - Host : [cynically]  Oh, so you're gonna be loyal to *me* now?

  Guillermo Rodriguez : [meekly and respectfully]  Yes, my Lord.

  Matt Damon - Host : Sorry, Guillermo. I'm just not buying it. Buenas noches, my friend.

  [Guillermo gets forcibly removed from the stage by an unknown person]