- Matt Damon - Host: Siri, who is the greatest stand-up comedian in the world?
- Siri: Definitely *not* Jimmy Kimmel. He is not funny at all. He is terrible. He is human garbage.
- Matt Damon - Host: Well, that's a given. But do a search for a world-class comedian in the immediate area who can come finish my monologue.
- Siri: Searching for a world-class comedian in the immediate area.
- Siri: I believe I have found someone close to you.
- Matt Damon - Host: Well, send him in.
- [Enter Robin Williams]
- [Ben has been trying to override Matt's attempts to smear Jimmy Kimmel]
- Ben Affleck: Forget it, Man! I couldn't do it to JIMMY!
- Matt Damon - Host: [as Ben is leaving] Aw, come on, Ben. Please!
- Ben Affleck: [to Matt and Jimmy] I never wanted it to end this way.
- Matt Damon - Host: [Ben has left] He doesn't even LOVE YOU the way I love you! You'll see!
- Matt Damon - Host: [to the audience] He'll see.
- [after Jimmy's repeated attempts to audition for the role of David Norris in "The Adjustment Bureau"]
- Emily Blunt: [to the director] What is this? Is this a pity reading?
- Jimmy Kimmel - Host: No no no. Don't think like that. You're here on your *own* merits.
- Emily Blunt: But I've been cast.
- Jimmy Kimmel - Host: [to the director] Will you tell her she's here on her own merits?
- Emily Blunt: I've been cast in this movie.
- Jimmy Kimmel - Host: [to the director] She thinks this is a pity reading.
- Matt Damon - Host: [opening introduction] From Hollywood, it's *this idiot's show*!
- [picture of Jimmy Kimmel with the caption "Idiot"]
- Matt Damon - Host: With Matt Damon, Matt Damon, and musical guest Matt Damon. Da da da dahhhh, It's Jim-my Kim-mel Sucks! Finally, MATT DAMON!
- [after seeing a montage of all the times Jimmy bumped Matt]
- Matt Damon - Host: [diabolical laughter] We ran out of time. We ran out of time. That's, that's pretty funny. But tonight, you didn't run out of time for me, did you Jimmy? No, *I* ran out of time for *you*.
- [Jimmy groans off camera]
- Matt Damon - Host: What's that, Jimmy?
- [camera moves over to reveal Jimmy Kimmel tied to a chair and gagged]
- Matt Damon - Host: Is there a new host in town? And his initials are M. D. That's right! The *doctor* is in.
- [watch beeps]
- Matt Damon - Host: Jimmy, that's our cue. We wouldn't want to miss the opening sequence. Da da da, da da da, da da daaaaaa.
- [cut to opening introduction]
- [after Jimmy's attempt to audition for the role of Bob Tenor in "Stuck on You"]
- Greg Kinnear: Can we look into Matt Damon? He'll do it.
- Jimmy Kimmel - Host: If the movie was called "Suck on You" he'd do it.
- Matt Damon - Host: Ladies and gentlemen, I took the liberty of hiring my own Guillermo. So please welcome legendary actor Andy Garcia.
- [Andy walks on to applause]
- Matt Damon - Host: [Smiling] Hello, Andy!
- Himself - Guest: [Badly imitating Guillermo] Hello, Mr Matt Damon!
- Matt Damon - Host: [Grinning] Are you prepared to be my faithful sidekick?
- Himself - Guest: Si, I brought my taser.
- Matt Damon - Host: He brought a taser and he's in character. Excellent, mi amigo!
- Matt Damon - Host: Who else can we get rid of? Uh, yes, the Band Leader. What's your name?
- Himself - Musical Director: I'm Cleto.
- Matt Damon - Host: Nah, never heard of you. Say hello to the NEW Band Leader. This is Sheryl Crow.
- Sheryl Crow: [Sheryl materializes right next to Cleto] You get the night off, Cleto! You get the night off!
- [Cleto leaves]
- [first lines]
- Matt Damon - Host: Welcome to tonight's episode of "Jimmy Kimmel Sucks". I'm your host, Matt Damon. Tell me something, is it weird to see someone with *actual talent* host this show?
- [huge applause from audience]
- Matt Damon - Host: Now, I am going to be making some changes to the show because I believe that you, the audience, deserve the *best show possible*. Let's start with... ..uh... .
- Matt Damon - Host: [points to Guillermo] YOU. Hi Guillermo.
- Guillermo Rodriguez: [meekly and respectfully] Hi, Mister Matt Damon.
- Matt Damon - Host: [scoffs] Don't Mister Matt Damon me! You're Kimmel's sidekick! You're probably just gonna go untie him the minute my back is turned.
- [Kimmel nods enthusiastically]
- Guillermo Rodriguez: No, no. I don't like Jimmy. He's a DUMB-ASS!
- Matt Damon - Host: [cynically] Oh, so you're gonna be loyal to *me* now?
- Guillermo Rodriguez: [meekly and respectfully] Yes, my Lord.
- Matt Damon - Host: Sorry, Guillermo. I'm just not buying it. Buenas noches, my friend.
- [Guillermo gets forcibly removed from the stage by an unknown person]