- Ben Wyatt: [Walks in looking ill, sees Chris lying on the ground] Chris, I'm dying.
- Chris Traeger: I was dying earlier today, and then I died. Now I'm dead. I had to cancel a date with Shauna Malwae-Tweep, and I really like her. Do you think she'll still like me, now that I'm dead?
- Ben Wyatt: What is this?
- Ron Swanson: [Walks in looking just as sick] It's food poisoning. I have it too. I did not sleep for one second last night. And I cracked the bottom of the toilet bowl.
- Ben Wyatt: Oh, God, don't say that.
- Chris Traeger: Has anybody talked to Tom? I can't even imagine what that tiny little man must be feeling like.
- Ron Swanson: I have voided more than Tom's body weight in the last twelve hours alone. He might have just disappeared off the Earth.
- Chris Traeger: We need to call him, we must reach out to him.
- [Gets up and walks, doubled over, toward his phone. He passes Ben, who is lying on the floor. Can't reach out to touch the phone]
- Chris Traeger: I can't do it.
- Ron Swanson: [Gets up and labors toward the phone. He smacks it with his hand, and the phone lands on the floor next to Ben] Ben, extension seventy-eight twenty.
- Ben Wyatt: [Ben rolls over to the phone and dials the numbers with his nose]
- Ben Wyatt: I'm in charge of food for the wedding. So I brought in Pawnee's three best caterers and a panel of experts. Chris loves vegetables, Ron loves meat, and Tom considers himself a 'foodie', which apparently means taking Instagrams of food instead of eating it.
- April Ludgate: I just don't know how Leslie can be Leslie all the time. I was her for two hours and I wanted to die.
- Leslie Knope: I fully believe that a woman should be in charge of what happens to her body. In this case, the body is Ann's and the woman in charge of it is me.
- Tom Haverford: Woah, smells like some vomit took a dump in here. What happened?
- Ron Swanson: We got food poisoning, Tom. How do you not have food poisoning?
- Ben Wyatt: Because he didn't eat anything - he just took pictures and talked about the 'Wow' factor.
- Tom Haverford: Not true, I ate everything you did..
- Chris Traeger: Are you sure? Is there anything that you didn't eat?
- Tom Haverford: Oh yeah, I didn't eat those stupid mini-calzones. Haver-Food rule number six: never eat anything with a sauce I have to dip myself. Drizzle it on for me, I'm not your maid!
- Ben Wyatt: The calzones... betrayed me? Never again, guys. As God as my witness, they're dead to me.