Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV Series)

Pilot (2013)

Clark Gregg: Phil Coulson

Photos 

Quotes 

• Maria Hill : The battle of the New York was the end of the world. This - now - is the new world. People are different. They have access to tech, to formula, secrets they're not ready for.

  Grant Ward : Why was I pulled out of Paris?

  Maria Hill : That, you have to ask Agent Coulson.

  Grant Ward : Uh, yeah. I'm clearance Level Six. I know that... Agent Coulson was killed in action before the battle of New York. Got the full report.

  Phil Coulson : [walks out of the dark]  Welcome to Level Seven.

  [Normal voice] 

  Phil Coulson : Sorry, that corner was really dark, I couldn't help myself. I think there's a bulb out.

• Phil Coulson : Agent Hill did a very detailed assessment of your last three missions. Combat, top grades. Espionage, she gave you the highest marks since Romanoff. Under people skills she drew a... I think it's a little poop, with knives sticking out of it.

  Grant Ward : WHAT?

  Phil Coulson : That's bad right?

  Maria Hill : [after Ward leaves]  It was a porcupine. It was not a poop. It just means he...

  Phil Coulson : No, I'm pretty sure...

  [Looks at the book] 

• Melinda May : I'm not going back in the field.

  Phil Coulson : Yeah. You've got such a nice setup here. You ever thought about adding a moat? I just need you to drive the bus, liase ground transpo, some on-site supervision. This isn't a combat op.

  Melinda May : Then you don't need me.

  Phil Coulson : I do. 'Cause we'll be running ourselves. Picking the ops... making the calls. No red tape. This is where they actually make the red tape, isn't it? I always wondered. Melinda.

  Melinda May : You're really just asking me to drive the bus?

  Phil Coulson : I'm not asking. But it's a really nice bus.

• Phil Coulson : [In Skye's interrogation]  This is QNB-T16. It's the top-shelf martini of sodium pentothal derivatives. It's a brand-new and extremely potent truth drug. Don't worry. The effects only last about an hour.

  Grant Ward : And you'll have a nice little nap. And we'll have all the answers to our...

  [Coulson injects Ward] 

  Grant Ward : Hey! What the hell?

  Phil Coulson : I'm sorry. Did that hurt?

  Grant Ward : No, you've lost your mind. You should never do that to a member of your team. And yes, it did hurt a little bit, but I try to mask my pain in front of a beautiful woman, it makes me seem more masculine. MY GOD this stuff works fast.

  Phil Coulson : [to Skye]  Don't trust us? Ask him whatever you'd like.

  Grant Ward : Wait a minute. Wait. You can't just...

  [Coulson opens the door and leaves; as Ward shouts after him] 

  Grant Ward : This is definitely not protocol!

• Mike Peterson : You said if we worked hard, if we did right, we'd have a place. You said it was enough to be a man but there's better then man! There's gods... and the rest of us? What are we? They're giants... we're what they step on.

  Phil Coulson : I know. I've seen giants, up close, and that privilege cost me, nearly everything. But the good ones, the real deal? They're not heroes because of what they have that we don't, it's what they do with it. You're right, Mike, it matters who you are.

  Mike Peterson : I could, you know? Be a hero.

  Phil Coulson : I'm counting on it.

• Phil Coulson : Hey. Did you hear the one about the guy who's afraid of flying?

  Grant Ward : [Absolute seriousness]  I've done a night jump into a drop zone under heavy fire sir. I can handle it.

  Phil Coulson : That was a... joke. The first part of a... I'm not gonna tell it now.

• Grant Ward : Look at this place. You're gonna risk thousands of lives over some nobody.

  Phil Coulson : [Cheerily]  Nobody's nobody Ward.

• Leo Fitz : [to Agent Ward]  One of Coulson's old S.H.I.E.L.D. collectibles. Flamethrowers, world's first GPS. He's made for this crap.

  Phil Coulson : [to the SHIELD C-17 loadmaster regarding his classic Corvette]  Don't touch Lola.

  Leo Fitz : And he calls it a girl's name.

  Phil Coulson : Lola's not just a collectible, you know. People tend to confuse the words "new" and "improved."

• Dr. Streiten : I would have been very happy not to clear you, Phil. I'd love for you to rest up some more.

  Phil Coulson : I've had plenty of that. Thanks.

  Maria Hill : You sure?

  Phil Coulson : You should go sometime.

  Maria Hill : Where?

  Phil Coulson : Tahiti. It's a magical place.

  Maria Hill : Three days in, I'd be begging for an assignment.

  Phil Coulson : Exactly.

  [Coulson leaves] 

  Dr. Streiten : Tahiti. He really doesn't know does he?

  Maria Hill : He can never know.

• Phil Coulson : Don't EVER tell me there's no way!

• Grant Ward : Director Fury faked your death - to motivate the Avengers.

  Maria Hill : Well, the death of a common ally is a particulary team builder.

  Phil Coulson : Plus, it wasn't much of a stretch. I stopped breathing for about 40 seconds.

  Maria Hill : Eight. It gets longer every time you tell it.

  Phil Coulson : Yeah, well, you get shanked by the Asgardian Mussolini, you can tell it your way. I was looking at the big white light, and it felt a lot longer than eight seconds.

  Grant Ward : Do they know? The Avengers - that Fury played them?

  Maria Hill : They're not Level Seven.

  Phil Coulson : Got of the I.C.U., Fury stuck me in a grass shack in Tahiti. Rough gig. Mai Tais, Travis McGee novels, and a physical therapist whose command of English was... irrelevant.

• Phil Coulson : She's an asset.

  Grant Ward : She is such an... wait, "asset"?

• Phil Coulson : Have you thought about the offer?

  Skye : Hitching a ride on the crazy plane? I'm not exactly a team player.

  Phil Coulson : We're not exactly a team. But we're in a position to do some good. You'd be a great help. And you'd be front row center at the strangest show on earth. Which is after all what you wanted.

  Skye : I was able to hack S.H.I.E.L.D. from my van. You're gonna show me something new?

  Phil Coulson : [Phone rings, answers]  Go.

  Grant Ward : Sir, we've got an 801.

  Phil Coulson : Is that confirmed?

  Grant Ward : They want *us* to go in and confirm it.

  Phil Coulson : What's an 801?

  Phil Coulson : [Starts car]  You've got exactly 10 minutes to decide if you really want to know.

  Skye : There's no way we can make it to the airfield in

  [See Lola is now hovering above the ground] 

  Skye : ... 10 minutes.

  Phil Coulson : The tide is rising.