Brad Jones: Self

Quotes 

• Brad Jones : The '80s gave us a real who's who of celebrities giving us advice on life and safety and shit. We had siblings telling us when to have sex; there was Mr. T telling us to be somebody. I know I sure did: I went out and picked a fight with the biggest Italian boxer I could find. Corey Haim even fell in love with Corey Haim in "Me, Myself and I". The only way to keep Corey Feldman out of it was for Haim to mention only himself not once but three times in the title. And now we have Gary Coleman's "For Safety's Sake", which I'm sure is only a 30-second video of someone telling you, "For safety's sake, stay the hell away from Gary Coleman!" Is this a little tasteless, considering Gary is no longer with us? Whatever, it's still Gary Coleman hosting a children's safety video. People may die, time moves on, but this will still be hilarious. And if you're offended, just pretend that I'm talking about "Webster".

• Brad Jones : Never fear, Gary's not the only TV star they roped into this. It also features Ami Foster of "Punky Brewster", but you may also remember her as... "Girl" from that one episode of "Garfield and Friends". Bobby Jacoby even stops by, whom most people might remember from "Knots Landing", as well as "Diff'rent Strokes", but not me. No, no, in my head, he'll always be Billy from the "Illusion" episode of "Manimal".

• Gary Coleman : In this program, we're going to show you how to survive outdoors, away from home. Living in the city isn't easy, but most of what we'll learn today is common sense.

  Brad Jones : Says the kid who hitchhiked to a stranger's apartment. I can never be duct-taped to a bed the same way again. But that's just because Gary didn't follow the rules.

• Gary Coleman : The important thing for you to learn in any emergency is, stay calm, keep cool, and think!

  Brad Jones : Just so you know, these are also the rules you want to follow for beating "E.T." on the Atari.

• Gary Coleman : [giving a bicycle lesson]  The first rule is to have a bike that fits. Having a bike that's too big for you is like a pilot flying a big plane who's not qualified to fly.

  Brad Jones : So it's hilarious?

  Gary Coleman : On the other hand, if the bike is too small, it's hard to steer.

  Brad Jones : Basically, kids, what I'm saying is, don't be a fucking idiot.

• Brad Jones : This sort of feels like I'm watching "Double Switch", but without the booby traps.

• Gary Coleman : There are so many temptations around that they even have their own name: attractive nuisances.

  Brad Jones : Ooh, wicked Kimberly burn! Are you still peeved at her from when she went out with that racist?

• Gary Coleman : [showing a hand-drawn map]  Draw a map of the entire area around your home where you're allowed to go by yourself.

  Brad Jones : Are you drawing a neighborhood map or the layout of the "Ghostbusters" game?

• Gary Coleman : [advising how to deal with a vicious dog]  Try to stay calm and talk to the dog, while walking slowly out of his territory.

  Brad Jones : I know this already. I learned how to handle angry dogs from watching "Lethal Weapon 3". You carry dog biscuits in your pocket, wrestle around with him a bit, and munch on the treats together. It's easy! Isn't that right, Gary?

• Gary Coleman : Never run or ride a bicycle or skateboard past loose or barking dogs.

  Brad Jones : Uh-huh, or how about when I'm just walking around the neighborhood, and some big dog comes barking and running up to me, because his dumbass owner didn't leave him the yard, nor did he keep him on a leash, thus nearly giving me a fucking heart attack?

• Gary Coleman : [advising on drawing a map of a neighborhood]  Mark all the places you're allowed to go: school, church, friends' homes, stores, playgrounds, and libraries.

  Brad Jones : Yeah, you definitely want to go to a library. The homeless and the sex offenders will definitely help you out for sure. After all of this, you'll know which houses are safe to rob.

• Gary Coleman : [as a girl is using a pay phone to make a call]  Jo should have a quarter for the phone. Your telephone company may only want fifteen or twenty cents, but take a quarter. In an emergency, one quarter is much easier to handle than two or three.

  Brad Jones : But now we're in the year 2013, where it's much more than ten cents, and you're lucky if you even find a pay phone!

• Brad Jones : Next, we move on to the long trek home from school, where, as in all of these specials, everyone is out to kidnap you.

  Gary Coleman : You should practice the buddy system whenever you leave the house. Besides, it's more fun than being alone.

  Brad Jones : Yeah, just look for the blondest grade-schooler you can find, follow them, and taunt them with a spider! That way, they'll really give a shit if you get taken.

• Brad Jones : Corey Haim, how could you let this happen? Look! You're on the same disc!

• Fisherman Frank : If you live in or visit an area of the country that has lots of poisonous creatures, you should carry a snake bite kit in your first aid kit.

  Brad Jones : Or maybe you should just move away from the snake-infested areas.

• Brad Jones : [the credits show that the officer is played by Frank Miller]  Wait a minute. Frank Miller? Was this made before or after he went insane?