Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016)

Dan Fogler: Jacob Kowalski

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Quotes 

• Jacob Kowalski : Uh, Mr. Scamander?

  Newt Scamander : Oh, call me Newt.

  Jacob Kowalski : Newt. I don't think I'm dreaming.

  Newt Scamander : [mildly amused]  What gave it away?

  Jacob Kowalski : I ain't got the brains to make this up.

• Newt Scamander : I need to get going. Find everyone who's escaped before they get hurt.

  Jacob Kowalski : Before *they* get hurt?

  Newt Scamander : Yes, Mr. Kowalski. For they're currently in alien terrain surrounded by millions of the most vicious creatures on the planet:

  [pauses] 

  Newt Scamander : humans.

• Jacob Kowalski : [standing at the apparently empty bar]  How does a guy get a drink in this joint?

  [a bottle pops off the shelf and flies into his hand] 

  Bartender : [behind the bar]  What? Ain't you ever seen a house-elf before?

  Jacob Kowalski : [covering]  Oh, no, no, of course I have. I love house-elves. My uncle's a house elf.

  Bartender : [scoffs]  Yeah...

• Newt Scamander : [hands Jacob a helmet]  Put this on.

  Jacob Kowalski : But why would I have to wear something like this?

  Newt Scamander : Because your skull is susceptible to breakage under immense force.

• Jacob Kowalski : [talking to himself]  What did you do today, Jacob?

  [laughs] 

  Jacob Kowalski : I was inside a suitcase.

• Jacob Kowalski : Did... Did you say school? Is there a school? A wizardry school here in, uh, America?

  Queenie : Of course. Ilvermorny. It's only *the* best wizard school *in* the whole world.

  Newt Scamander : I think you'll find that the best wizarding school in the world is Hogwarts.

  Queenie : [incredulous and semi-insulted]  Hogwash.

• Newt Scamander : [as he is strapping body protection on to Jacob]  Now there's absolutely nothing for you to worry about.

  Jacob Kowalski : Tell me, has anyone ever believed you when you told them not to worry?

  Newt Scamander : Well, my philosophy is that worrying means you suffer twice.

• Newt Scamander : People like you, don't they, Mr. Kowalski?

  Jacob Kowalski : Oh. Well, I'm, uh, I'm sure people like you, too, huh?

  Newt Scamander : Not really, no. I annoy people.

• Jacob Kowalski : You, uh, you know how to read minds?

  Queenie : Oh, don't worry, honey. Most guys think what you was thinking first time they see me.

• Jacob Kowalski : [yells to Newt while holding an egg that Newt lost]  Hey! Mr. English Guy! I think your egg is hatching.

  [Newt pulls Jacob forward with his wand and transports them to an isolated place] 

• Jacob Kowalski : [about to lose his memory]  Hey. This is for the best. Yeah. I-I was... I was never even supposed to be here. I was never supposed to know... a-any of this. Everybody knows Newt only kept me around because... Hey, Newt, why did you keep me around?

  Newt Scamander : Because I like you. Because you're my friend. And I'll never forget how you helped me, Jacob.

• Jacob Kowalski : What, you're not gonna Obliviate me?

  Queenie : Of course not. You're one of us now.

• [last lines] 

  [Jacob Kowalski now has his own bakery, "Kowalski." He is surrounded by pastries which resemble the magical creatures he encountered on his journey with Newt Scamander] 

  Female Customer in Bakery : Where'd you get your ideas from, Mr. Kowalski?

  Jacob Kowalski : I don't know. I don't know.

  [chuckles] 

  Jacob Kowalski : They just come. Here you go. Don't forget this. Enjoy. Hey! Hendry.

  [hands a staffer some keys] 

  Jacob Kowalski : Storage, all right? Thanks, pal.

  [the doorbell jingles and Jacob turns to see an alluring woman. It's Queenie, who turns to smile at him. Though all his memory of her are supposed to be erased, something sparks in his eyes which may be recognition. He reaches to his neck where he was bitten by the Murtlap and smiles] 

• Queenie : Are all No-Majs like you?

  Jacob Kowalski : [suave]  No, I'm the only one like me.

  [He knocks back a shot of Gigglewater, and immediately lets out a high-pitched bark of laughter] 

• Queenie : I'll come with you. We'll go somewhere. We'll go anywhere. See, I ain't never gonna find anyone like you.

  Jacob Kowalski : There's loads like me.

  Queenie : No. No. There's only one like you.

• Jacob Kowalski : Sorry, Mr. Gnarlack...

  [punches Gnarlack in the face, knocking him to the floor] 

  Jacob Kowalski : Reminds me of my foreman!

• Jacob Kowalski : Can someone please tell me what this Obscurial... Obscurius thing is? Please?

  Porpentina Goldstein : There hasn't been one for centuries.

  Newt Scamander : I met one in Sudan three months ago. There used to be more of them, but they still exist. Before wizards went underground when we were still being hunted by Muggles, young wizards and witches sometimes tried to suppress their magic to avoid persecution. Instead of learning to harness or control their powers, they developed what was called an Obscurus.

  Porpentina Goldstein : It's an unstable, uncontrollable dark force that busts out and attacks. And then vanishes. Obscurials can't survive long, can they?

  Newt Scamander : There's no documented case of any Obscurial surviving past the age of ten. The one I met in Africa was eight when she... she was eight when she died.

  Jacob Kowalski : [incredulous]  What are you telling me here? That Senator Shaw was killed by a... by a kid?

• Jacob Kowalski : What brings you here?

  Newt Scamander : Same as you.

  Jacob Kowalski : You're here to get a loan to open up a bakery?

  Newt Scamander : [distracted, looking for his Niffler]  Yes.

  Jacob Kowalski : What are the odds of that?

• Jacob Kowalski : What the hell was that?

  Newt Scamander : Nothing that need concern you. Now, unfortunately, you have seen far too much. So if you wouldn't mind, if you just stand there, this will be over in a jiffy.

  Jacob Kowalski : Mm-hmm. Sure. Yeah. Okay.

  [he whoops Newt with his suitcase and flees] 

  Jacob Kowalski : Sorry.

  Newt Scamander : [holding his head in pain]  Bugger.

• Jacob Kowalski : I'm dreaming, right? I'm tired. I never went to the bank. This all just some big nightmare, right?

  Porpentina Goldstein : For the both of us, Mr. Kowalski.

• Newt Scamander : [discussing Jacob's desire to own a bakery]  So, did you get your loan?

  Jacob Kowalski : No. I ain't got no collateral. Stayed in the army too long, apparently. I don't know.

  Newt Scamander : You fought in the war?

  Jacob Kowalski : Of course I fought in the war. Everyone fought in the war. You didn't fight in the war?

  Newt Scamander : I worked mostly with dragons. Ukrainian Ironbellies. Eastern Front.

• Newt Scamander : Why did you decide to be a baker?

  Jacob Kowalski : Well, um... because I'm dying in that canning factory. Everyone there's dying. It just crushes the life out of you. Do you like canned food?

  Newt Scamander : No.

  Jacob Kowalski : Yeah, me neither. That's why I wanna make pastries. You know, it makes people happy.