Family Guy (TV Series)

A Fistful of Meg (2013)

Mila Kunis: Meg Griffin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Meg Griffin : So, I guess you heard about the fight, huh?

  Glenn Quagmire : Oh, yeah, they're talking about it in all the girls' bathrooms.

  Meg Griffin : I'm so dead.

  Glenn Quagmire : No, you're not, because I'm gonna help you defeat Mike Pulaski.

  Meg Griffin : You are?

  Glenn Quagmire : That's right. Be at my house first thing tomorrow morning, and we'll get started.

  Meg Griffin : Wow, thanks, Mr. Quagmire. Well, I better get home.

  [she gets into the Dr. Seuss-ish bicycle that Stewie imagined earlier and rides off] 

  Glenn Quagmire : What a good way to get around town.

• Meg Griffin : I figured out how to get out of this fight. All I have to do is get expelled. That sex tape I released should be everywhere by now, and then they'll have to kick me out of the school.

  [seeing it has zero views] 

  Meg Griffin : Come on! Really?

  [the view-count increases to 1] 

  Meg Griffin : [with an excited gasp]  Ooh.

  Stewie Griffin : [cut to him in his bedroom]  You know what? Good for her.

• Meg Griffin : [the school jocks are asking for $1,000 to beat up Mike]  $1,000? All right. But it's gonna be hard to get that kind of money. I mean, I'm not Judge Judy.

  [cutaway] 

  Judge Judy : Hi, I'm Judge Judy. I get paid $45 million a year to yell at people who have nothing. Now here's an ad about a fat-people disease you have.

• Meg Griffin : [accidentally spilling some of her lunch on Mike]  Oh, my god! I'm so sorry!

  Michael Pulaski : What's your name, dude?

  Chris Griffin : [off-screen]  Meg Griffin!

  Michael Pulaski : [grabbing her]  3:00, Friday. I will destroy you.

  Meg Griffin : [Chris approaches]  Chris, you have my back, right?

  Chris Griffin : I don't know. Let me check.

  [lifting his shirt] 

  Chris Griffin : Yeah.

  Meg Griffin : Okay, I'm gonna need it for the fight.

  [he peels it off] 

• Ruth : Hey, Megan.

  Meg Griffin : Oh, hey, guys. Wait, did you just call me Megan?

  Ruth : That's your name, isn't it?

  Meg Griffin : Well, actually, "Meg" is short for something else.

  [cutaway to Lois giving birth] 

  Lois Griffin : [giving him the birth certificate]  Peter, would you give this to the nurse?

  Peter Griffin : Uh-huh.

  [changing her name to "Megatron"] 

  Peter Griffin : [with a giggle, he hums the Transformers theme]  Robots in disguise.

• Brian Griffin : Meg, what's wrong?

  Meg Griffin : Some psycho just transferred to my school, and he's going to kill me!

  Stewie Griffin : [she runs off crying]  Boy, she must really be PBS-ing, huh?

  Brian Griffin : What?

  Stewie Griffin : I mean, it's like, pop a couple of tampons, you know?

  Brian Griffin : Stewie, do you even know what a menstrual cycle is?

  Stewie Griffin : Uh, yeah, Brian.

  [in a thought bubble, he imagines a Dr. Seuss-ish bicycle] 

  Stewie Griffin : It's a good way to get around town, that's what it is.

• Glenn Quagmire : Okay, Meg, you've got a bully problem, and I'm gonna help you.

  Meg Griffin : But, Mr. Quagmire, why would you wanna help me?

  Glenn Quagmire : Because I was once in your shoes, Meg. I wasn't always the confident guy you see before you. You see, I, too, was terrorized by a bully. It was 1986, and the cola wars were at a frenzy.

  [narrating over flashbacks] 

  Glenn Quagmire : I was sitting in the RC section of the cafeteria when Tracey Bellings approached.

  Tracey : [slapping him]  Why aren't you drinking Coke, you dork? Pepsi would also be acceptable!

  Glenn Quagmire : It doesn't have to be a two-cola system! RC is what keeps the big guys on their toes!

  Tracey : You know what "RC" stands for, don't you? "Chicks rule!"

  Glenn Quagmire : [narrating]  She was dyslexic.

• Meg Griffin : Hey, mom, I need to transfer to a different school.

  Lois Griffin : Meg, we've been over this. Just because a Facebook page has over 2,000 likes doesn't mean you have to kill yourself.

  Meg Griffin : I-It's not that. Mom, please? There's other schools. Carlisle Academy leads the state in teen pregnancies. So... I might meet somebody.

  Lois Griffin : Meg, Carlisle Academy's a private school. We can't afford it. Don't you remember how much money your father wasted so he could make grand staircase entrances?

  [cutaway] 

  Glenn Quagmire : [ringing the doorbell]  Hey, is Peter here?

  Lois Griffin : [sighing]  Hang on. Peter!

  Peter Griffin : [at the top of a grand staircase, dressed as a Southern belle]  Why, Glenn Quagmire. It's been ten years if it's been a day.

  [he tiptoes down to accompanying orchestral music] 

• Patty : Hey, did you guys hear about that new kid?

  Meg Griffin : The emo Muslim?

  Esther : No, this other guy, Mike Pulaski. He's a complete psycho. I heard he knifed a kid on the playground, then beat up the knife.

  Patty : I heard he can watch "Friday Night Lights" without crying.

• Ruth : Meg, are you okay?

  Meg Griffin : You guys, I've tried everything, but it's hopeless! He's going to kill me. I can already picture my funeral.

  [cutaway to a funeral service; as a casket is lowered into the ground, Peter throws her body in underneath it] 

  Peter Griffin : Thanks. Didn't wanna pay for the hole.

• Glenn Quagmire : Over the years, I've tested the limits of the human body. How much it can stuff in, swallow, or choke on. How a scrotum can be stretched into a makeshift sail if stranded at sea. All this knowledge is gonna help you win your fight.

  Meg Griffin : Oh, thanks, Mr. Quagmire. I'll take any help I can get. I haven't been this scared since my dad stopped showering for six months.

  Chris Griffin : [cutaway to the Griffins eating dinner]  Great meat loaf, mom.

  Lois Griffin : Thanks, honey.

  Peter Griffin : [as a giant pile of garbage]  Hungry! Pour food on my pile!

  Lois Griffin : Okay, Peter, here you go.

  Peter Griffin : Mmm. I will assimilate this new smell into the larger borg of my smells.

• Peter Griffin : I can never forget that moment as long as live.

  Meg Griffin : Oh what's wrong did you two had a bad.

  Stewie Griffin : Trever said he's gonna rip me to shreds.

  Brian Griffin : Mad Dog said he's gonna bash my skull in.

  Stewie Griffin : I'm gonna kill myself.

  Brian Griffin : I love Stewie.

  Meg Griffin : Brian, Stewie stop don't kill yourselves.

  Meg Griffin : No don't kill yourselves stop it.