Family Guy (TV Series)

A Fistful of Meg (2013)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin, Judge Judy, Tracey

Quotes 

• Brian Griffin : Peter, what the hell?

  Peter Griffin : What? What's the matter?

  Brian Griffin : What do you mean what's the matter? You're completely naked! I told you I'm not comfortable with that!

  Peter Griffin : Brian, I can get nude whenever I want, all right? This is my home, and a man's home is his castle.

  [cutaway to Lois returning home from the store] 

  Peter Griffin : Halt, wench! State your business.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, will you please put down the drawbridge? I got a car full of groceries.

  Peter Griffin : Hmm. Anything else?

  Lois Griffin : [sighing]  I also went to the video store and got "Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties."

  [the drawbridge lowers] 

• Meg Griffin : [the school jocks are asking for $1,000 to beat up Mike]  $1,000? All right. But it's gonna be hard to get that kind of money. I mean, I'm not Judge Judy.

  [cutaway] 

  Judge Judy : Hi, I'm Judge Judy. I get paid $45 million a year to yell at people who have nothing. Now here's an ad about a fat-people disease you have.

• Ruth : Hey, Megan.

  Meg Griffin : Oh, hey, guys. Wait, did you just call me Megan?

  Ruth : That's your name, isn't it?

  Meg Griffin : Well, actually, "Meg" is short for something else.

  [cutaway to Lois giving birth] 

  Lois Griffin : [giving him the birth certificate]  Peter, would you give this to the nurse?

  Peter Griffin : Uh-huh.

  [changing her name to "Megatron"] 

  Peter Griffin : [with a giggle, he hums the Transformers theme]  Robots in disguise.

• Glenn Quagmire : Okay, Meg, you've got a bully problem, and I'm gonna help you.

  Meg Griffin : But, Mr. Quagmire, why would you wanna help me?

  Glenn Quagmire : Because I was once in your shoes, Meg. I wasn't always the confident guy you see before you. You see, I, too, was terrorized by a bully. It was 1986, and the cola wars were at a frenzy.

  [narrating over flashbacks] 

  Glenn Quagmire : I was sitting in the RC section of the cafeteria when Tracey Bellings approached.

  Tracey : [slapping him]  Why aren't you drinking Coke, you dork? Pepsi would also be acceptable!

  Glenn Quagmire : It doesn't have to be a two-cola system! RC is what keeps the big guys on their toes!

  Tracey : You know what "RC" stands for, don't you? "Chicks rule!"

  Glenn Quagmire : [narrating]  She was dyslexic.

• Meg Griffin : Hey, mom, I need to transfer to a different school.

  Lois Griffin : Meg, we've been over this. Just because a Facebook page has over 2,000 likes doesn't mean you have to kill yourself.

  Meg Griffin : I-It's not that. Mom, please? There's other schools. Carlisle Academy leads the state in teen pregnancies. So... I might meet somebody.

  Lois Griffin : Meg, Carlisle Academy's a private school. We can't afford it. Don't you remember how much money your father wasted so he could make grand staircase entrances?

  [cutaway] 

  Glenn Quagmire : [ringing the doorbell]  Hey, is Peter here?

  Lois Griffin : [sighing]  Hang on. Peter!

  Peter Griffin : [at the top of a grand staircase, dressed as a Southern belle]  Why, Glenn Quagmire. It's been ten years if it's been a day.

  [he tiptoes down to accompanying orchestral music] 

• Glenn Quagmire : Over the years, I've tested the limits of the human body. How much it can stuff in, swallow, or choke on. How a scrotum can be stretched into a makeshift sail if stranded at sea. All this knowledge is gonna help you win your fight.

  Meg Griffin : Oh, thanks, Mr. Quagmire. I'll take any help I can get. I haven't been this scared since my dad stopped showering for six months.

  Chris Griffin : [cutaway to the Griffins eating dinner]  Great meat loaf, mom.

  Lois Griffin : Thanks, honey.

  Peter Griffin : [as a giant pile of garbage]  Hungry! Pour food on my pile!

  Lois Griffin : Okay, Peter, here you go.

  Peter Griffin : Mmm. I will assimilate this new smell into the larger borg of my smells.

• Brian Griffin : Peter, what are you doing?

  Peter Griffin : I'm just getting ready for bed. What's wrong?

  Brian Griffin : You're... you're naked. I'm... I'm right here.

  Peter Griffin : Who cares? You're my dog. Everybody gets naked in front of their dog. Besides, you're always naked, except for when Lois dresses you up in that rain gear.

  [cutaway] 

  Lois Griffin : Okay, everyone in the car! We're going to Martha's Vineyard!

  Brian Griffin : [wearing a rain-repellent hat and raincoat]  Do I have to wear this on the ferry?

  Lois Griffin : Yes, you do.

  Brian Griffin : What about Peter? Why... why doesn't he have to wear this crap?

  Lois Griffin : Peter's in his crate.

  Peter Griffin : [inside a pet carrier]  I'm actually relieved. The ferry would be overstimulating.

• Lois Griffin : Oh, good, you're alone.

  Brian Griffin : Hey, Lois. Why are you wearing a robe?

  Lois Griffin : Well, I heard about how Peter's making you see him naked lately, so I thought the only way to get even is for you to see me naked.

  Brian Griffin : Wh... really?

  Lois Griffin : Yeah. It only seems fair.

  Brian Griffin : [his tail wagging]  You know what? That makes sense to me. I mean...

  Lois Griffin : All right, here we go.

  [she opens her robe, revealing a naked Peter underneath] 

  Peter Griffin : [laughing as Brian shouts in disgust]  You thought you were gonna see my wife's penis, but, no, it's mine!

  Lois Griffin : [laughing, too]  You idiot!

• Brian Griffin : Hello? Cynthia! Oh, my God! So good to hear from you!

  [Peter sneaks into the lounge room, naked] 

  Brian Griffin : Sure, I can talk. I'm just sitting out here in the open.

  [snickering] 

  Brian Griffin : My car? It's a Prius.

  [chuckles] 

  Brian Griffin : I wouldn't say I'm specifically a hero for driving one. The heroes are the ones who come back from lraq and drive a Prius.

  [Peter leaps in front of the couch] 

  Peter Griffin : Gotcha!

  [finds a Snoopy doll with a tape recorder playing Brian's voice on it] 

  Peter Griffin : Wha... What the hell?

  Brian Griffin : Hey! You looking for me?

  [Brian, his fur all shaved, stands before Peter] 

  Peter Griffin : [cringes at the sight of Brian]  Oh, God! What the hell is that?

  Brian Griffin : What's wrong? You look uncomfortable. Here, let me give you a hug.

  [approaches Peter with his arms out] 

  Peter Griffin : [backs away from Brian in disgust]  Aah! Get away from me, you gremlin!

  [falls backwards against the wall and Brian climbs onto Peter's chest and hugs him] 

  Peter Griffin : Aah! No!

  Brian Griffin : Why don't you rub my belly, pal?

  [rubs Peter's hand over his six nipples, Peter whimpers and wails in disgust as he felt Brian's nipples] 

  Peter Griffin : Your skin is so loose and wrinkly! It's like I'm just pushing around a plastic bag full of chicken bones! Ugh! Why do you have so many nipples?

  Brian Griffin : You gonna put your clothes on?

  Peter Griffin : Yes! Yes! I swear! You gonna keep 'em on? Yes, I promise! I'll never bother you again with my body!

  [breaks down crying] 

  Peter Griffin : Please, just make this stop!

  Brian Griffin : Good.

  [Chris walks into the room] 

  Chris Griffin : Dad, can you give me a ride to the... ?

  [screams when he sees Brian naked on Peter] 

  Chris Griffin : What is that thing?

  [scratches his eyes out] 

  Chris Griffin : Aah! Make it go away!

  [falls to the ground whimpering] 

  Chris Griffin : [Lois walks in with a basket of laundry] 

  Lois Griffin : What's going on in here?

  [sees Brain naked on Peter's chest, Peter whimpering and Chris crying] 

  Lois Griffin : Oh, my God, is that a fucking rat? Peter, hold it down, I'm getting the gun!