Family Guy (TV Series)
A Fistful of Meg (2013)
Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Dr. Elmer Hartman
Quotes
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Peter Griffin : You're a well-read guy, right?
Brian Griffin : Oh, I don't know. I guess when I read my Henry David, I tend to be pretty Thoreau.
Stewie Griffin : [from off camera] Shut up!
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Stewie Griffin : What the hell, Brian?
Brian Griffin : I can't take it anymore!
Peter Griffin : [knocking on the door] Message for Brian Griffin!
[with some effort, he squeezes his naked butt under the bottom of the door]
Peter Griffin : I lost my ass gambling. Have you seen it?
Brian Griffin : Leave me alone, you jerk!
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Glenn Quagmire : To this day, I can't have sex with a woman against her will without thinking about rape.
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Meg Griffin : So, I guess you heard about the fight, huh?
Glenn Quagmire : Oh, yeah, they're talking about it in all the girls' bathrooms.
Meg Griffin : I'm so dead.
Glenn Quagmire : No, you're not, because I'm gonna help you defeat Mike Pulaski.
Meg Griffin : You are?
Glenn Quagmire : That's right. Be at my house first thing tomorrow morning, and we'll get started.
Meg Griffin : Wow, thanks, Mr. Quagmire. Well, I better get home.
[she gets into the Dr. Seuss-ish bicycle that Stewie imagined earlier and rides off]
Glenn Quagmire : What a good way to get around town.
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Meg Griffin : I figured out how to get out of this fight. All I have to do is get expelled. That sex tape I released should be everywhere by now, and then they'll have to kick me out of the school.
[seeing it has zero views]
Meg Griffin : Come on! Really?
[the view-count increases to 1]
Meg Griffin : [with an excited gasp] Ooh.
Stewie Griffin : [cut to him in his bedroom] You know what? Good for her.
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Brian Griffin : Peter, what the hell?
Peter Griffin : What? What's the matter?
Brian Griffin : What do you mean what's the matter? You're completely naked! I told you I'm not comfortable with that!
Peter Griffin : Brian, I can get nude whenever I want, all right? This is my home, and a man's home is his castle.
[cutaway to Lois returning home from the store]
Peter Griffin : Halt, wench! State your business.
Lois Griffin : Peter, will you please put down the drawbridge? I got a car full of groceries.
Peter Griffin : Hmm. Anything else?
Lois Griffin : [sighing] I also went to the video store and got "Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties."
[the drawbridge lowers]
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Ruth : Hey, Megan.
Meg Griffin : Oh, hey, guys. Wait, did you just call me Megan?
Ruth : That's your name, isn't it?
Meg Griffin : Well, actually, "Meg" is short for something else.
[cutaway to Lois giving birth]
Lois Griffin : [giving him the birth certificate] Peter, would you give this to the nurse?
Peter Griffin : Uh-huh.
[changing her name to "Megatron"]
Peter Griffin : [with a giggle, he hums the Transformers theme] Robots in disguise.
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Brian Griffin : Meg, what's wrong?
Meg Griffin : Some psycho just transferred to my school, and he's going to kill me!
Stewie Griffin : [she runs off crying] Boy, she must really be PBS-ing, huh?
Brian Griffin : What?
Stewie Griffin : I mean, it's like, pop a couple of tampons, you know?
Brian Griffin : Stewie, do you even know what a menstrual cycle is?
Stewie Griffin : Uh, yeah, Brian.
[in a thought bubble, he imagines a Dr. Seuss-ish bicycle]
Stewie Griffin : It's a good way to get around town, that's what it is.
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Glenn Quagmire : Okay, Meg, you've got a bully problem, and I'm gonna help you.
Meg Griffin : But, Mr. Quagmire, why would you wanna help me?
Glenn Quagmire : Because I was once in your shoes, Meg. I wasn't always the confident guy you see before you. You see, I, too, was terrorized by a bully. It was 1986, and the cola wars were at a frenzy.
[narrating over flashbacks]
Glenn Quagmire : I was sitting in the RC section of the cafeteria when Tracey Bellings approached.
Tracey : [slapping him] Why aren't you drinking Coke, you dork? Pepsi would also be acceptable!
Glenn Quagmire : It doesn't have to be a two-cola system! RC is what keeps the big guys on their toes!
Tracey : You know what "RC" stands for, don't you? "Chicks rule!"
Glenn Quagmire : [narrating] She was dyslexic.
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Meg Griffin : Hey, mom, I need to transfer to a different school.
Lois Griffin : Meg, we've been over this. Just because a Facebook page has over 2,000 likes doesn't mean you have to kill yourself.
Meg Griffin : I-It's not that. Mom, please? There's other schools. Carlisle Academy leads the state in teen pregnancies. So... I might meet somebody.
Lois Griffin : Meg, Carlisle Academy's a private school. We can't afford it. Don't you remember how much money your father wasted so he could make grand staircase entrances?
[cutaway]
Glenn Quagmire : [ringing the doorbell] Hey, is Peter here?
Lois Griffin : [sighing] Hang on. Peter!
Peter Griffin : [at the top of a grand staircase, dressed as a Southern belle] Why, Glenn Quagmire. It's been ten years if it's been a day.
[he tiptoes down to accompanying orchestral music]
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Brian Griffin : [opening a package he receives] Ahh! Oh, God!
Peter Griffin : [laughing, with blood soaking through his pants at the crotch] What's in the box, Brian? I got you good!
[pause]
Peter Griffin : I don't feel right. I want it back.
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Ruth : Meg, are you okay?
Meg Griffin : You guys, I've tried everything, but it's hopeless! He's going to kill me. I can already picture my funeral.
[cutaway to a funeral service; as a casket is lowered into the ground, Peter throws her body in underneath it]
Peter Griffin : Thanks. Didn't wanna pay for the hole.
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Glenn Quagmire : Over the years, I've tested the limits of the human body. How much it can stuff in, swallow, or choke on. How a scrotum can be stretched into a makeshift sail if stranded at sea. All this knowledge is gonna help you win your fight.
Meg Griffin : Oh, thanks, Mr. Quagmire. I'll take any help I can get. I haven't been this scared since my dad stopped showering for six months.
Chris Griffin : [cutaway to the Griffins eating dinner] Great meat loaf, mom.
Lois Griffin : Thanks, honey.
Peter Griffin : [as a giant pile of garbage] Hungry! Pour food on my pile!
Lois Griffin : Okay, Peter, here you go.
Peter Griffin : Mmm. I will assimilate this new smell into the larger borg of my smells.
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Brian Griffin : Peter, what are you doing?
Peter Griffin : I'm just getting ready for bed. What's wrong?
Brian Griffin : You're... you're naked. I'm... I'm right here.
Peter Griffin : Who cares? You're my dog. Everybody gets naked in front of their dog. Besides, you're always naked, except for when Lois dresses you up in that rain gear.
[cutaway]
Lois Griffin : Okay, everyone in the car! We're going to Martha's Vineyard!
Brian Griffin : [wearing a rain-repellent hat and raincoat] Do I have to wear this on the ferry?
Lois Griffin : Yes, you do.
Brian Griffin : What about Peter? Why... why doesn't he have to wear this crap?
Lois Griffin : Peter's in his crate.
Peter Griffin : [inside a pet carrier] I'm actually relieved. The ferry would be overstimulating.
-
Lois Griffin : Oh, good, you're alone.
Brian Griffin : Hey, Lois. Why are you wearing a robe?
Lois Griffin : Well, I heard about how Peter's making you see him naked lately, so I thought the only way to get even is for you to see me naked.
Brian Griffin : Wh... really?
Lois Griffin : Yeah. It only seems fair.
Brian Griffin : [his tail wagging] You know what? That makes sense to me. I mean...
Lois Griffin : All right, here we go.
[she opens her robe, revealing a naked Peter underneath]
Peter Griffin : [laughing as Brian shouts in disgust] You thought you were gonna see my wife's penis, but, no, it's mine!
Lois Griffin : [laughing, too] You idiot!
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Brian Griffin : [singing] Doo doo doo doo doo/Taking a shower/Taking a little break to bite at the water...
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Peter Griffin : I can never forget that moment as long as live.
Meg Griffin : Oh what's wrong did you two had a bad.
Stewie Griffin : Trever said he's gonna rip me to shreds.
Brian Griffin : Mad Dog said he's gonna bash my skull in.
Stewie Griffin : I'm gonna kill myself.
Brian Griffin : I love Stewie.
Meg Griffin : Brian, Stewie stop don't kill yourselves.
Meg Griffin : No don't kill yourselves stop it.
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Brian Griffin : Hello? Cynthia! Oh, my God! So good to hear from you!
[Peter sneaks into the lounge room, naked]
Brian Griffin : Sure, I can talk. I'm just sitting out here in the open.
[snickering]
Brian Griffin : My car? It's a Prius.
[chuckles]
Brian Griffin : I wouldn't say I'm specifically a hero for driving one. The heroes are the ones who come back from lraq and drive a Prius.
[Peter leaps in front of the couch]
Peter Griffin : Gotcha!
[finds a Snoopy doll with a tape recorder playing Brian's voice on it]
Peter Griffin : Wha... What the hell?
Brian Griffin : Hey! You looking for me?
[Brian, his fur all shaved, stands before Peter]
Peter Griffin : [cringes at the sight of Brian] Oh, God! What the hell is that?
Brian Griffin : What's wrong? You look uncomfortable. Here, let me give you a hug.
[approaches Peter with his arms out]
Peter Griffin : [backs away from Brian in disgust] Aah! Get away from me, you gremlin!
[falls backwards against the wall and Brian climbs onto Peter's chest and hugs him]
Peter Griffin : Aah! No!
Brian Griffin : Why don't you rub my belly, pal?
[rubs Peter's hand over his six nipples, Peter whimpers and wails in disgust as he felt Brian's nipples]
Peter Griffin : Your skin is so loose and wrinkly! It's like I'm just pushing around a plastic bag full of chicken bones! Ugh! Why do you have so many nipples?
Brian Griffin : You gonna put your clothes on?
Peter Griffin : Yes! Yes! I swear! You gonna keep 'em on? Yes, I promise! I'll never bother you again with my body!
[breaks down crying]
Peter Griffin : Please, just make this stop!
Brian Griffin : Good.
[Chris walks into the room]
Chris Griffin : Dad, can you give me a ride to the... ?
[screams when he sees Brian naked on Peter]
Chris Griffin : What is that thing?
[scratches his eyes out]
Chris Griffin : Aah! Make it go away!
[falls to the ground whimpering]
Chris Griffin : [Lois walks in with a basket of laundry]
Lois Griffin : What's going on in here?
[sees Brain naked on Peter's chest, Peter whimpering and Chris crying]
Lois Griffin : Oh, my God, is that a fucking rat? Peter, hold it down, I'm getting the gun!