Last Man Standing (TV Series)

All About Eve (2014)

Tim Allen: Mike Baxter

Quotes 

• Vanessa Baxter : You know what, honey, Hillary Clinton was a Goldwater girl in 1964.

  Mike Baxter : So. Satan used to work for God. What's your point?

• Mike Baxter : Of all the ways the government dips into our pocket and steals our money, my least favorite is when the police gives us bogus tickets just to fill up their quotas.

  Kristin Baxter : Oh, oh, but I thought you were Mr. Law and Order.

  Mike Baxter : Look, I love the police, but they go to the academy to catch criminals, not to collect taxes. These guys have turned the Denver PD into the freakin' IRS.

  Kristin Baxter : Hey. Low speed limits and stop signs make streets safer.

  Mike Baxter : I know. If we all went zero miles per hour, there'd be zero accidents. GDP would be zero, but we'd have zero accidents.

  Vanessa Baxter : So the DPD is hurting the GDP? Try saying *that* ten times fast.

• Mike Baxter : This is really about Eve. You know, she reposts some of these vlogs at school, and it looks like she's getting in trouble.

  Ed Alzate : I know. I follow her on Facebook.

  [Mike reacts with a quizzical look] 

  Ed Alzate : The kids have been pretty hard on her, especially Mandy.

  Mike Baxter : These kids are into big government. No surprise. Teenagers are used to spending other people's money.

  Ed Alzate : What do kids that age know? They're just parroting the stuff they learned at home, just like Eve probably does with you.

  Mike Baxter : No, no, no, no. Eve's different. She's an independent thinker. She comes to her own conclusions... that everything I say is right.

• [first lines] 

  Eve Baxter : Morning, Baxters.

  Mike Baxter : Morning.

  Vanessa Baxter : Hey, honey, how'd you sleep?

  Eve Baxter : Sleep? Who could sleep with this crushing national debt hanging over our heads?

  Vanessa Baxter : Wow! It's so you're just becoming the same person.

  Mike Baxter : Great, isn't it?

• Vanessa Baxter : That cop pulled me over today and gave me a ticket.

  Mike Baxter : I told ya to stay off Cedar, babe.

  Vanessa Baxter : No, he's movin' around. He was on Hudson, today.

  Mike Baxter : Hudson? That's under construction. Double the fine. Smart cop.

  Vanessa Baxter : Oh, I don't care about the fine...

  Mike Baxter : *I* care about the fine.

  Vanessa Baxter : It's just... I've always been able to... you know...

  [tosses her hair] 

  Mike Baxter : Come on, honey, with your knockers, you go with the *hair*?

• Mike Baxter : [noticing Mandy coming down the stairs in a bright red clingy dress and high-heels]  Wow! Whoa!

  Vanessa Baxter : Hey, hey. Where are you goin' dressed like that?

  Mandy Baxter : Oh, I have a paper due and I didn't quite write it.

  Mike Baxter : So why... why are you dressed like *that*?

  Mandy Baxter : I need the professor to give me an extension or, if he *really* likes the dress, an A.

• Mike Baxter : Hi there. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man. America fought a war against taxation without representation, and we won. We got taxation *with* representation. What a booby prize *that* turned out to be. So, all this month, Outdoor Man is fighting back with our No Sales Tax Sale. Taxes, everywhere we turn another one jumps up to bite us. You drive over here to Outdoor Man and you're paying twenty-two cents per gallon in gasoline taxes. And in the gas tax there's another tax hiding called the Environmental Response Surcharge. It's not a surcharge. It's a tax. It's enough to make you start smokin' again. But, if you do that, you'll be coughing up an extra eighty-four cents a pack in taxes. Well, I'll need a drink after that. I wouldn't do that, you can't even wet your whistle without government wetting its beak... at sixty cents a liter. They even changed it to liter, so we don't know what that means. We need to stand up against the tyranny of high taxes and elect leaders who value free markets, free minds, and free people...

  Eve Baxter : And free period after homeroom.

  Mike Baxter : Which is why Outdoor Man is making its first *ever* political endorsement. Eve Baxter, right for Denver, right for America, and right for Woodbridge High student council.

  Eve Baxter : Hello. I'm Eve baxter, and I approve this message.

• [last lines] 

  Mike Baxter : [Vanessa walks in the front door]  Hey babe. How was *your* day?

  Vanessa Baxter : A-mazing.

  Mike Baxter : Well, tell me, what's an amazing day in the world of a geologist? Did you find the rock that killed Goliath?

  Vanessa Baxter : No, no, work was actually pretty dull, but something exciting did happen on the way home. I got pulled over again.

  Mike Baxter : I'm sorry about that.

  Vanessa Baxter : No, no, it's okay. Jay just gave me a warning. I'm just sayin', "Still got it."

  Mike Baxter : Yeah, you still got it.

  Vanessa Baxter : Yes, I do.