- When Nick has an awkward run-in with his ex-girlfriend Caroline, Jess tries to convince him that exes can still be friends. Chaos ensues when Schmidt, Winston and Coach bring their dates to Schmidt's loft.
- When Nick has an awkward run-in with his ex, Caroline, Jessica tries to convince him he can still be friends with her, by introducing him to her former boyfriend, Berkley. Meanwhile, Coach uses Schmidt's loft to impress a date, but things turn farcically disastrous when Schmidt arrives home with his own potential bedmate.—Anonymous
- Winston vows not to put something of til Friday, but is distracted by how much fruit Nick has. They ran into his ex Caroline at the Farmer's Market.
Flash to Nick not handling seeing her well at all and breaking a fruit display.
"I don't deal with exes, they're part of the past. You burn them swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon," Nick explains to Jess.
He insists sex is the only reason exes are friends.
Winston shares that he's still friends with all his exes families. Shelby's dad still sends him $5 on his birthday.
Coach joins and says he's friends with all of his exes...for sex.
Schmidt interrupts to announce he finished his loft. He can't rouse any interest.
Later, Jess tells Nick he needs to clear the air with Caroline for some closure. He's afraid she'll hurt him physically, or with words.
At the bar, Schmidt tries hitting on a woman by telling her his new loft is so big that no one can hear you scream outside. Cece tells him he's giving off a creepy vibe and living alone is messing up his game.
Cut to Schmidt shouting into his fridge for grapes, then crying over the bowl.
At the bar, Schmidt says he needs human contact. Cece points out he's caressing his own arms.
Over coffee with Caroline, she just wants to know why he walked out. Later, Jess commends him for going. As she kisses him, Caroline pulls up in her car. Nick didn't tell her he was with Jess.
Back at the loft, Nick says he didn't tell Caroline because he got scared. He panics when she calls. Jess suggests he should talk to her ex Berkley. She texts him, calling him "babe" and signing it "xoxo," which Nick announces means she's leading him on.
Caroline texts Nick quoting scripture with a lot of curse words mixed in. He finally relents and agrees to talk to Berkley, who's nearby with his baby class.
Winston and Coach visit Schmidt's loft, which Coach thinks is nice, "like a European airport." He shows off his split screen TVs and the 15 different locations for sex, all with names.
He tells them to come by anytime. He made them keys. Winston's is a guitar, because he's rockin'. Coach's is a star kissing a rainbow. Schmidt reveals that the coffee table opens up to a cooler.
Berkley drops by the loft, sharing inside jokes with Jess and offering fatherhood metaphors to Nick. He tells him to let Caroline get everything off her chest. Nick can't believe his cozy rapport with Jess is real, but Jess is glowy, saying she's so lucky to have a friend like Berkley in her life.
Schmidt picks a woman at a bar, giving her his address on a business card when she agrees to come home with him.
Back at the loft, Berkley grabs Jess alone and tells her he's ready to leave his wife so that they can finally be together. She tells him there's been a fundamental misunderstanding and tries to spray him with the sink hose, but finds that Winston has disconnected it.
Back at Schmidt's, he finds a woman waiting for "Schmidt" -- Coach.
Berkley tells Jess that all her phone calls, texts about boyfriend problems and hugs and kisses have been her setting up dominoes for him.
When Nick comes back out she tells him to stuff it because Nick was right and she doesn't want him to know.
Nick has been trying to email Caroline but getting nowhere. He gets a text from Caroline to come to the window. On the street below, she picks up a cinder block and hurls it through a car window, then starts bashing it with a board. Nick shouts that it's not his car.
Jess tries to get Berkley to leave and go home to his wife, but Nick says it's not safe with Caroline down there and Berkley should stay.
Over at Schmidt's, he and Coach argue about who's going to go to bed with a lady and who has to leave.
"I'm about to take down that vdragon, I'm about to pin the tail on the vdonkey, you better not stand in the way of this," Coach says.
Schmidt agrees to use the guest room, "like an animal." But he finds Winston in there on top of Birdie.
Downstairs, Caroline rides the elevator up with Schmidt's date for the evening.
As Caroline starts pounding on the loft door, Jess whispers to Berkley that she doesn't love him. He starts yelling and Nick hears him ask why she's led him on for 10 years.
Nick is suddenly not concerned about Caroline and stops everything to enjoy that he was right about Berkley. Berkley recites the ways Jess led him on, including brushing his hand at a Dave Matthews concert in 2004 during "Two Step."
"You think I wear this sweater because I like it?" he says of his rumpled cardigan. "It's a handsome sweater," Jess says. "That's right, I love you," Berkley says.
Caroline attacks the door from the hall and Schmidt's date gets nervous about the crazy woman behind her.
Inside Schmdit's apartment, he orders Coach and Winston to stay in their respective rooms and he'll use one of the bang positions in the living room, but there will be no unauthorized exiting.
Berkley thinks he's helping get Nick back together with is ex and opens the door for Caroline. She immediately shouts at Jess for stealing her boyfriend and demands a timeline. Jess lays it out for her, with many current events in between their break up and her getting with Nick.
Caroline tells her to enjoy it while it lasts because soon he'll be high fiving her instead of holding her hand and won't let her be the little spoon anymore and then two years after they break up, he still won't tell her why.
Jess excuses herself to go sit in the shower, which Berkley says he'll be picturing.
Nick checks on her later. "This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.... I've led a very fortunate life," she says.
Nick thinks she and Caroline deserve to know why he left Caroline.
Over at Schmidt's, everything goes wrong when Coach's date comes out for water. The women get confused about who's who and what's going on and both leave.
Nick tells Caroline that he never cheated on her but he might as well have because he fell in love with Jess the moment she walked through the door. Caroline says she always thought it was Jess and is glad to know she's not crazy.
After she leaves, Jess admits to Berkley that she may have played some part in leading him on.
When they're both gone, Jess enjoys that Nick fell for her the moment they met.
Over at Schmidt's, they identify other bang spots in the living room, including the Glass Menagerie, the *68, the Jumanji, the Jean-Michele Basquiat, the Fabric Softener, the Nia Vardalos, the sex on the rug....
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