- Plinkett: [on the phone] I wanna check on a separate order I placed about a week ago. It was for about 16 merkins. Item #568, salt and pepper, extra absorbent.
- Brian: Okay... I am showing those as shipped and received. Are you sure you didn't get those, sir?
- Plinkett: Hmm, I'll have to look around. Sometimes my cat opens my mail. But I don't know what my cat would want with a box full of merkins.
- Brian: Maybe your cat mistook them for cat toys.
- Plinkett: I guess that's possible. Anything is possible with Bush in the White House.
- Plinkett: You see, Baby's Day Out was clearly modeled after the success of Home Alone. And when I say modeled, I mean RIPPED OFF!
- Eddie: The Milwaukee Mob couldn't kill me...
- Plinkett: The Milwaukee Mob? What the fuck does that mean?
- Eddie: You wanna make jokes, join the circus.
- Plinkett: They don't tell jokes in the circus. It's more about acrobatics and animals and amazing feats, it's not really about jokes.
- Brian: Okay, let's confirm: we have two dozen new hair plugs, 16 salt and pepper merkins, a box of industrial strength anal lube, 11 rolls of duct tape, 40 boxes of Hefty trash bags, black, 1 C-46 Black and Decker table top saw blade replacement, one case of Raid: fast kill, low irritant, and a DVD titled "Little People Having Big Fun." Will that complete your order, sir?
- Plinkett: Yeah. You guys got my credit card number on file? It's my brother in-law's credit card. It says Rick Berman on it. He said I could use it. You gotta trust me.
- Brian: Okay... your total comes to $2,568.00.
- Plinkett: Charge that card.
- Plinkett: Carl Sandburg once said, "life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time. Sometimes you weep." Y'know, he's crawling around and... Carl Sandburg's a fucking retard.