- Richard Hendricks: It says here on your resume that from 2010 to 2011 you "crushed it"?
- Crushing Applicant: That's actually an old resume. It should also read that I crushed it from 2013 to present.
- Donald 'Jared' Dunn: So are we to understand that you did not "crush it" in 2012?
- Crushing Applicant: There was a medical situation preventing me from crushing it to my usual standards. So I had to take some time off until I was able to crush it at 100%, at which point I resumed crushing it full-time.
- Richard Hendricks: So it says here that you're proficient in C++, code assembly for multiple processor architectures, and... that you are a cyborg?
- Jared Patakian: That is correct short for cybernetic organism. I came into this world of filth and pain with a congenital heart condition, requiring the installation of a pacemaker, upon which I am mortally dependent.
- Donald 'Jared' Dunn: Wow, he's technically a cyborg.
- Richard Hendricks: Yeah, yeah. Makes the resume accurate.
- Jared Patakian: Look, we all know that I can make a shitload more money working for some multi-colored Happy Town in a hermetically-sealed box. But permission to be honest?
- [Looks at Richard]
- Richard Hendricks: Permission granted.
- Donald 'Jared' Dunn: [There's a pause while he stares at Donald] Oh. granted.
- Jared Patakian: I like that you guys are so weird.
- Richard Hendricks: You know, this Patakian guy is definitely on some end of some spectrum, but he is a full-stack engineer. I mean, I'm sold. Jared, what do you think?
- Donald 'Jared' Dunn: Well, he's qualified and he definitely seemed interested. It's a programmer's market right now. I think if we like him, we should pursue him aggressively. My only concern here, and it's a small one, um, he's also named Jared. Will it be confusing with two Jareds? If we hire him, I can always go back to my real name Donald.
- Bertram Gilfoyle: No, that's too big a hassle. We'll just go with "Other Jared".
- Dinesh Chugtai: OJ, for short.
- Donald 'Jared' Dunn: I know a name is just a sound somebody makes when they need you, but shouldn't this much-newer Jared be "other Jared"?
- Bertram Gilfoyle: You should be flattered. OJ Simpson is one of the most recognizable people on the face of the planet.
- Jared: There's a distinct over-representation of men in this company. Look around. I think it would behoove us to prioritize hiring a woman.
- Gilfoyle: I disagree, OJ. We should hire the best person for the job, period.
- Dinesh: And Carla is one of the best.
- Jared: Right, let me rephrase: I think having a woman in the company is important but hiring someone only because they're a woman is bad. I would never compromise Pied Piper.
- Richard: Okay, just to be clear, our top priority is to hire the most qualified person available, right?
- Jared: Of course.
- Dinesh: But would be better if that someone was a woman even though the "woman" part of that statement is irrelevant?
- Jared: Exactly. It's like we're the Beatles and now we just need Yoko.
- Dinesh: That's the worst example you could have used.
- Erlich Bachman: I like this painting. Is it sperm?
- Russ Hanneman: No, three commas. Know what has three commas in it, Richard?
- Richard: Uh, a sentence with two appositive phrases in it?
- Russ Hanneman: No, a billion dollars. Yeah, I'm in the three-comma club. You know, you play your cards right, you could be in the three-comma club, too. But probably not. But you could be. Probably not.