Family Guy (TV Series)

He's Bla-ack! (2014)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stewie Griffin : Hey, Lois, look, I'm smoking! You can't control dick! I'm a roof baby now!

• Cleveland Brown : Wassup?

  [the theme music to "The Cleveland Song" plays as Cleveland approaches the guys at the Clam] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, hey, Cleveland!

  Joe Swanson : Hey.

  Glenn Quagmire : Wait, don't you have show to d- Oh-ho-ho-ho! That's right!

  Cleveland Brown : All right. I knew this was coming. Everybody, gimme your best shot.

  Glenn Quagmire : Oh, my G... Where do I even begin? Y'know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!

  Joe Swanson : Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew.

  Cleveland Brown : We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.

  Glenn Quagmire : That's your bar? Oh, shame on you!

  Cleveland Brown : This is good. This is constructive.

  Glenn Quagmire : The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlane quit voicing him after season 2.

  Cleveland Brown : It's hard to make a talking bear funny.

  Glenn Quagmire : [laughs]  It worked out okay in movie form.

  Joe Swanson : What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy?

  Cleveland Brown : Anything else?

  Peter Griffin : [hands Cleveland a stack of DVDs]  Yeah, here's four seasons worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. Y'know, just so you're back up to speed and I'll warn ya ahead of time, these have jokes in 'em.

  Joe Swanson : I... I don't have a DVD player.

• Glenn Quagmire : [At Susie Swanson's birthday party]  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Great Quagini! Hey-ey, everybody! There's the birthday girl! Oh, oh, what's that behind your ear?

  [pulls something from behind Susie's ear] 

  Glenn Quagmire : Oh, it's a condom!

  Joe Swanson : Quagmire, please stop touching my baby with a condom.

• Rallo : [to Stewie]  What's up, man?

  Stewie Griffin : Yeah, yeah, 'sup. Keep walking, ya Boondocks ripoff.

• Chris Griffin : Mom's making me sleep in the basement.

  Peter Griffin : Sleeping lower in the house is a big punishment for her.

• Cleveland Brown : 'Scuse me. Sorry. Sorry, Mort. I hate to have to do this.

  Mort Goldman : What? What's happening?

  Cleveland Brown : They want me in the line.

  Mort Goldman : Wh-where will I go?

  Cleveland Brown : Home?

  Mort Goldman : Okay, but I'm still getting paid, right?

  Cleveland Brown : I dunno. You'd have to talk to Marla.

  [he leaves] 

  Peter Griffin : Sorry.

  Mort Goldman : [trips over]  Bwah!

  Peter Griffin : You okay?

  Mort Goldman : What do *you* care?

• Cleveland Brown : [about the condition of his old house]  What the hell happened?

  Peter Griffin : Well, a lot of people rented your house. Uh, Ryan Reynolds, Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd... for a while, it was an orphanage where the children sang desolate songs.

  Orphans : [Cutaway to a group of orphans standing outside of the house] 

  [singing] 

  Orphans : We're too old to ever be adopted. No one wants a 9-year-old.

  Peter Griffin : [off-screen]  Shut up, you bastards!

• Lois Griffin : Peter, this is serious! A woman hit our child! What is wrong with her?

  Brian Griffin : Whoa, can I get some white bread on that judgmental sandwich?

  Lois Griffin : Brian, why are you bringing race into this?

  Brian Griffin : Lois, I've spent my life trying to keep race out of things. That's why whenever I walk into Lids, every guy fist-bumps me.

  Lois Griffin : Oh, you're full of crap, Brian.

  Brian Griffin : I'm just saying, Lois, some of us go through life without seeing color.

  Lois Griffin : That's because you're color blind, Brian.

• Lois Griffin : Donna, what gives you the right to spank my child?

  Peter Griffin : It always smells like the same meal over here.

  Donna Tubbs : I hit him for a reason. He broke my vase. And maybe I wouldn't have to discipline your child if you did it yourself!

  Lois Griffin : Oh, please! The only thing kids learn from spanking is adults don't have the patience to teach them.

  Donna Tubbs : Bull honky.

  Peter Griffin : What?

• Lois Griffin : [to Donna]  I don't spank and my children are very well-behaved.

  Donna Tubbs : Oh, yeah? Your baby's on the roof right now.

  Lois Griffin : [sees Stewie standing on the roof]  Stewie! You get down from there this instant!

  Stewie Griffin : Munch me, bitch!

  Lois Griffin : Right now, Stewie or you're in time-out!

  Stewie Griffin : How many gray pubes you pluck today, you old bag?

• Cleveland Brown : Peter, what are we doing here?

  Peter Griffin : Well, women will always band together to stop an offensive art exhibit from coming to town, so I've arranged for all my photos of baby wieners to be put on display.

  Cleveland Brown : [sees the photos]  Oh, Peter, I'm gonna have to call the police on this.

  Peter Griffin : What? Why? It's to get our wives back together!

  Cleveland Brown : Peter, these are hundreds of naked babies in suggestive situations! And they're time-stamped as far back as 1998 which is way before we had this idea!

  Peter Griffin : I need help!

• Lois Griffin : Peter, let's just give Susie her gift, eat our cake and leave. I don't want to be here with that Brown family.

  Stewie Griffin : That sounds even more racist than it is.

• Peter Griffin : [to Cleveland]  You know not a single person stopped watching cause you left.

• Donna Tubbs : [to Lois]  Your time-outs are a joke. You're a terrible parent.

  Lois Griffin : I'm a terrible parent? You're a child abuser! You know what? From now on, I don't want our families having anything to do with each other!

  Peter Griffin : Well, Cleveland, looks like these two little alley cats have scrapped it out. I'll see you tomorrow.

  Lois Griffin : That includes you, Peter. I don't want you ever talking to Cleveland again.

  Donna Tubbs : And Cleveland, I forbid you from ever talking to Peter again!