- Howard Wolowitz: Settle this. Those little animated pictures on the Internet, are they called "gifs" or "jifs"?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, the G stands for "graphics." That's a hard G, so I'd say "gif."
- Raj Koothrappali: What? The guy who invented it says it's "jif."
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm sorry, do you mean the guy or the juy?
- Wil Wheaton: Hello, caller, you are on with Penny and Wil from Serial Ape-ist 2.
- Caller: I don't have a question. I just want to say I'm a big fan of the movie. I've seen it, like, ten times.
- Penny: Okay, well, I'll apologize for the first time, but the other nine are on you.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'll give you three guesses why I'm so irritated.
- Howard Wolowitz: Well, uh... something happened different from the way you wanted it.
- Sheldon Cooper: I guess news travels fast.
- Josh Wolowitz: So, I have to ask, was the robot sexy?
- Howard Wolowitz: It was actually just a mechanical hand.
- Josh Wolowitz: 'Cause that's all you need, right?
- Howard Wolowitz: You are my brother.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What are we doing? This is a fort. Let's sit on the floor.
- Sheldon Cooper: Roughing it? Okay.
- [Sits on floor. Gasps]
- Sheldon Cooper: Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels.
- Raj Koothrappali: Enough chit-chat. How do we know you're who you say you are?
- Josh Wolowitz: Why would I lie?
- Raj Koothrappali: Okay, you make a good point.
- Raj Koothrappali: So, how's it going with the title to the house?
- Howard Wolowitz: Great, it's all done. The lawyer tracked down my father and got him to sign it over. I didn't have to meet him, I didn't have to talk to him, I don't even know where he is.
- Raj Koothrappali: Wow, so you're not curious at all?
- Howard Wolowitz: Nope.
- Raj Koothrappali: What if he's in prison? What if he's a spy? What if he's in a Beatles cover band? I'm just saying, if he's got your nose and haircut, he'd make a killer Ringo.
- Sheldon Cooper: Do you think there's a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman's house and everyone in it?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: No, Sheldon.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, buckle up. You're in for a cranky night.
- Wil Wheaton: Leonard, a moment ago, you were dead set against Penny resuming her acting career, but now you're all for it. Is it fair to say she played you like a violin?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes it is, Wil.
- Penny: Okay, instead of protecting me, why don't you try being excited when something good happens?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm always excited for you. I'm excited that you found this new job where you're making decent money.
- Penny: Decent? I make twice what you make.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Wait, twice?
- Penny: Yeah.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Like times two, twice?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you kids have fun. I'm going to go to sleep.
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, don't you want to see the inside of the fort?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I'm good.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can't come in.
- Leonard Hofstadter: All right. Sheldon, may I please come into your fort?
- Sheldon Cooper: I want to say no, but it's just too glorious. Come on in!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: According to the codicil of the Relationship Agreement which you insisted upon, we're not allowed to pout or be moody on date night.
- Sheldon Cooper: You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this...
- Sheldon Cooper: Agreed.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I was going to say "or," but why bother?
- Penny: So, how many people listen?
- Wil Wheaton: Most people download it later, but usually a few thousand people listen live.
- Penny: What? A few thousand people listen to you talk about nerd stuff?
- Wil Wheaton: Again, right in the ears, straight to the feelings.
- Sheldon Cooper: Do you need some pajamas and a toothbrush?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Would it alarm you to know that two years ago I've hidden some in your apartment for just such an ocassion?
- [Produces bag containing pajamas]
- Sheldon Cooper: It would, but you know how much I admire preparedness. But how did you know we'd be in the living room?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Who said this is the only one I hid?
- Penny: What is the harm if I audition?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, what if you get it?
- Penny: I don't know, I make a movie, we could become rich and famous, win an Oscar, a Golden Globe and live an incredibly wonderful life.
- Leonard Hofstadter: From a Kevin Smith movie?
- Kevin Smith: Oh, I'm hanging up now.
- Wil Wheaton: Don't you listen to him, buddy. You're awesome! You're one of the greatest directors of our time.
- Kevin Smith: I don't have a part for you, Wheaton.
- Wil Wheaton: [Hangs up on Kevin] And that was Kevin Smith
- Penny: I've never been on a podcast before.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you picked a good one to start. Wil's had lots of great guests, Jonathan Frakes, Brent Spiner, Michael Dorn, Gates McFadden.
- Penny: Those are Star Trek people.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
- Penny: I only figured that out because I've never heard of any of them.
- Kevin Smith: Hey man, yo, is everything okay, Wil? 'Cause it's been, like two minutes and you haven't even brought up Stand by Me.
- Penny: I think I started to suspect it was a bad movie when I looked at the script and saw the title, Serial Ape-ist 2: Monkey See, Monkey Kill.
- Wil Wheaton: You know that the movie actually has a little bit of a cult following.
- Penny: Really?
- Wil Wheaton: I was at a science fiction convention and I saw a woman dressed as your half-ape character.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, if she was with an Indian guy dressed like a banana, that was just my friends, Howard and Raj.
- Sheldon Cooper: I can just picture them all right now at Feynman's house, probably discussing Schrödinger and at the same time not discussing Schrödinger.
- Josh Wolowitz: I've always dreamed of having a brother to play catch with.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hmm, keep dreaming.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hey, I threw out the first pitch at an Angels game.
- Josh Wolowitz: Wow.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: He did it with a robot.
- Josh Wolowitz: You had sex with a robot?
- Howard Wolowitz: That's not what she meant.
- Raj Koothrappali: But technically, yes.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got attacked by bees.