You're the Worst (TV Series)
Pilot (2014)
Chris Geere: Jimmy Shive-Overly
Photos
Quotes
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Killian : Hi.
Jimmy : What?
Killian : I just moved in... over there.
Jimmy : Of course you did.
Killian : Why do you say that?
Jimmy : Because the death of any interesting neighborhood is the influx of white procreators.
Killian : Oh, that's cool. My nutritionist is gay too.
Jimmy : I'm not gay. I'm English.
-
Killian : Wanna hang out sometime?
Jimmy : What? What are you even talking about? I'm an adult. Do you know what that means? It means that I am beset upon at all times by a tsunami of complex thoughts and struggles, unceasingly aware of my own mortality and able to contemplate the futility of everything and yet still rage against the dying of the light. So do you see how monumentally stupid you, a child, asking me "do I want to hang out sometime" is?
Killian : My dad designs video games. We get all the new ones early.
Jimmy : Come over around eight.
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[while performing cunnilingus on Gretchen, Jimmy spits onto her vagina]
Gretchen : You just spit on it?
Jimmy : Yeah?
Gretchen : You spit on my vagina.
Jimmy : So?
Gretchen : Don't!
Jimmy : Why?
Gretchen : Why don't spit on my vagina?
Jimmy : It's saliva. It's gonna get there anyway.
Gretchen : [seeing Jimmy's point] Hmm.
[Jimmy resumes cunnilingus]
-
[Gretchen and Jimmy are lying in bed after consummating their relationship]
Jimmy : Right. Uh, I should get some sleep. So...
Gretchen : Right. Good night.
[turns away from him]
Jimmy : Wait, what?
Gretchen : Oh, relax. I'm just lazy. I'll sneak out in the morning.
Jimmy : No. There are no sleepovers.
Gretchen : Oh. Too bad.
Jimmy : I have sleep apnea. I have to wear a CPAP machine.
Gretchen : Don't care. I'm a log.
[Jimmy gives up, lies down to sleep, and turns on his CPAP machine; Gretchen turns over to see what he looks like wearing it]
Gretchen : [laughs] You look like "Top Gun."
Jimmy : Shut up.
Gretchen : I'm so glad I'm not gonna remember any of this in the morning. "Never leave your wingman."
[laughs]
Jimmy : [laughs] So stupid.
-
Jimmy : Why would I even listen to you? Eh? You're a mental case. You're on like a billion medications that all say, Take for batshit craziness!
Edgar : I was defending our country.
Jimmy : Oh, please. You weren't defending anything except for the business interests of evil men.
Edgar : Jimmy, our country is the business interests of evil men.
Jimmy : That may be the most intelligent thing you've ever said.
Edgar : Thanks.
Jimmy : You're still a goddamn lunatic.
-
Gretchen : So, how do you guys know each other?
Edgar : Ah, we met in college.
Jimmy : No, we didn't.
Edgar : Well, he was in college, and I sold weed to college kids. Then he started giving me books to read, 'cause he saw untapped potential in me.
Jimmy : I gave you books that I stole from Borders, because I didn't have money for weed.
Edgar : Semantics.
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[Upon being thrown out of Becca and Vernon's wedding reception, Jimmy lights a cigarette]
Gretchen : [clutching a stolen wedding gift] You got another one of those?
Jimmy : [annoyed] Pretty expensive.
[he relents and gives Gretchen a cigarette, then lights it]
Gretchen : Good job in there.
Jimmy : Getting married doesn't remove you from the burden of having to act like a human being.
Gretchen : Totally. Those two are doomed.
Jimmy : Right? Has any couple ever had a more dishonest start to a marriage? I mean, the balls to have a traditional Catholic ceremony.
Gretchen : When she's already had two abortions.
Jimmy : And can only orgasm through anal.
[Becca's parents and two of her other relatives gasp and mutter]
Jimmy : Mr. and Mrs. Cottumaccio. Old Cottumaccios.
[the shocked Cottumaccios go back into the reception]
Jimmy : You're pretty.
Gretchen : Thanks?
Jimmy : How do you know her?
Gretchen : I'm friends with the sister.
Jimmy : Friends with Fat Lindsay?
Gretchen : Yeah, me and Fat Lindsay are hella close.
Jimmy : So, uh, what you heard about me?
Gretchen : Nothing, just that you're the worst.
Jimmy : Says the girl who just stole a blender from a wedding.
Gretchen : [stunned] No. Really?
[she tears open the gift to discover that it is indeed a blender]
Gretchen : Aw, man! Thought it was a food processor.
[she throws the blender into the bushes]
Jimmy : Who's the worst now?
Gretchen : Yeah, well...
[cut to Gretchen and Jimmy having sex in his bedroom]
Gretchen : I don't know what I'm doing here, I'm not even attracted to you.
Jimmy : What does that have to do with anything?
Gretchen : Yeah.
-
[Gretchen is snorting cocaine in Ty's bathtub when her phone rings; she answers it]
Gretchen : Hello?
Jimmy : What are you doing?
Gretchen : Nothing, just... reading.
Jimmy : Hey, you won't believe this. Someone stole my car.
Gretchen : Oh. God, that's... awful.
Jimmy : Yeah, I have to file a police report in the morning.
Gretchen : I may have borrowed it.
Jimmy : I know.
Gretchen : Oh. Well, sorry. I told you, I'm the worst.
Jimmy : Actually, no, you said that I was the worst, and that I was lucky to get you.
Gretchen : Yeah. About that...
Jimmy : No, don't apologize - it was a great speech. It was funny and true... and mean. My favorite kind.
-
[Jimmy is endorsing a royalty check for $17.43 when Edgar enters]
Edgar : I got your car towed back here. And look who I found getting out of a cab.
[Gretchen enters and waves to Jimmy; he turns back to the check without acknowledging her]
Gretchen : Don't worry. I forgot my purse. Not on purpose or anything.
Edgar : I'm gonna leave you two alone.
[leaves]
Gretchen : He's sweet. It's nice that you let him live here.
Jimmy : You know, your purse had food in it. It was covered in ants. Who keeps food in their purse?
Gretchen : Whoa, what's your problem?
Jimmy : Well, I've had a really shitty day. And then I come home to find that my bedroom is a goddamn '50s sci-fi movie. And why would you stay over? Huh? That's amateur hour.
Gretchen : Here I was worried you were gonna get the wrong idea about last night. So thank you for saving me the speech.
Jimmy : You were gonna make a speech?
Gretchen : Okay, forget it.
[leaves]
Jimmy : Yeah, no kidding. Save your breath.
Gretchen : [reenters] I don't know what planet that you're from, but on my planet, someone like *you* does not just get this. Congratulations. You bagged a weakened gazelle. That's right - I'm still stupid-hooked on someone else, who is eons further than you in the evolutionary scale in all categories except maybe unearned ego and back fat. Oh, what? You so value honesty, you had to chew a bride out on her wedding day in the name of it? Well, why don't you face this giant hunk of truth, Jimmy? There is a fat asterisk next to my name on your skank-ridden little bone list, and it reads, She probably would've gone home with anyone that night. So thank you! Thank you for my wake-up call, Jimmy Stupid-Three-Names. You are officially my bottom.
[grabs her purse and storms out]
