- Jacqueline Voorhees: [looking at a photo of herself] I look so sad. What filter is this?
- Kimmy Schmidt: None. Hash brown NoFilter.
- Pat Battle: [presenting the news on WNBC-TV] Earlier today, tragedy striking the new musical "Spidermen Too: 2 Many Spidermen," the show billed as "the most flying Spidermen ever assembled on one stage."
- Lillian Kaushtupper: [to Titus] Change the channel. I can't get news from a woman.
- Pat Battle: This afternoon six cast members were critically injured at the hands of Spiderman's greatest foes: gravity and floors.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Oh, can you try Dr. Grant's office and see if he could squeeze me in today?
- Kimmy Schmidt: Okay.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Also, see if they have an appointment.
- [Titus wants to audition for a Broadway musical with a poor safety record]
- Lillian Kaushtupper: I can't support this. I will not bury another beautiful black man. You know my dear husband, Roland, was killed in our very own apartment.
- Titus Andromedon: Yes, I've heard this story before.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: He got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and on his way back to bed, he was shot in the face.
- Titus Andromedon: By you, Lillian.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: Well, it was dark out, and a black guy was trying to get in bed with me. It was the '70s! Point is, I will have nothing to do with this audition of yours.
- Titus Andromedon: Fine! I'll get Kimmy to help me - who needs you anyway? Can I borrow five dollars, a lint brush, a stick of gum, and your shoes?
- Lillian Kaushtupper: Yeah.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Dr. Grant is the best plastic surgeon in Manhattan. Sidney built Mariah Carey from scratch.
- [Having just gotten her "scream lines" removed, Kimmy is admiring her reflection in the mirror]
- Lillian Kaushtupper: Oh, "Who's That Girl"?
- Kimmy Schmidt: What? I didn't do anything. Got some sun, but...
- Lillian Kaushtupper: I'm not talking to you, dear. I'm watching "Jeopardy!" The category is Worst Madonna Songs.
- TV Announcer: This 1987 one is terrible.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: "I'm so happy for you. I love you both so much, even though I don't always say it."
- Titus Andromedon: Thank you, Lillian.
- Kimmy Schmidt: We love you too.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: Huh? No, no, no. "Wheel of Fortune."
- "Wheel of Fortune" Contestant: [on TV] I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat. "I'm so happy for you. I love both of you so much, even though I don't always pay it"?
- Lillian Kaushtupper: Oh my god, what a moron!