Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (TV Series)

Kimmy Goes on a Date! (2015)

Ellie Kemper: Kimmy Schmidt

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jacqueline Voorhees : Oh, Kimmy. I don't think I have your cell number. I wanted to call you last night, because Buckley needed something and I'd already taken my makeup off.

  Kimmy Schmidt : Um. I, uh, don't actually have a cell phone.

  Xanthippe Voorhees : [shocked]  You don't have a cell phone?

  Kimmy Schmidt : Well, I *had* a cell phone, Xan, obvs, but I lost it. At the zoo. A monkey took it, and she wouldn't give it back. Yeah, Xan, the monkey was a woman. Women can be anything these days.

• Kimmy Schmidt : Okay. I'm going on a date. What kind of socks do you wear on a date? Idiot! You're going to a nice restaurant. They probably have socks there.

• Titus Andromedon : This isn't the Chinatown bus - you can't just choke someone who's sleeping!

  Kimmy Schmidt : Titus, I'm so sorry. Why is your neck so greasy?

  Titus Andromedon : I fell asleep eating a Hot Pocket.

• Kimmy Schmidt : [into her new iPhone]  Siri?

  Siri : What can I help you with?

  Kimmy Schmidt : I'm a Mole Woman.

  Siri : That's messed up.

• Xanthippe Voorhees : This woman has the keys to our house, and we don't even know who she is. Kimmy Smith from Middletown, Ohio, I've been Googling you.

  Kimmy Schmidt : You have? I didn't feel it.

  Xanthippe Voorhees : God! Everything you say is insane! I can't find anything out about you online. Anything. Is Kimmy Smith even your real name?

  Jacqueline Voorhees : Xanthippe Lannister Voorhees. How 'bout you mind your own damn business? Women have secrets, okay? Who knows what Kimmy had to do to get here? Maybe she was a hooker.

  Kimmy Schmidt : Okay, is this how prostitutes dress nowadays?

  Xanthippe Voorhees : Admit that that was a weird thing to say!

  Jacqueline Voorhees : No. Her past doesn't matter. People come to New York and start new lives, and it gets complicated. And you, of all people, don't get to judge her. Your greatest accomplishment in life is pulling off that lipstick. Which you have to let me borrow - it looks awesome. Now, take your spoiled ass upstairs and go to your rooms.

  Xanthippe Voorhees : This is bullying, you know. I'm being bullied, and I'm not even fat!

  [runs upstairs] 

  Jacqueline Voorhees : White people. Am I right?