Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (TV Series)

Kimmy Is Bad at Math! (2015)

Jane Krakowski: Jacqueline Voorhees

Quotes 

• [Kimmy arrives at Jacqueline's house in response to the text message "need u ASAP"] 

  Jacqueline Voorhees : Oh, Kimmy. I do know it's your day off, and I'm so sorry to bring you back here from whatever decaying steel town you call home.

  Kimmy Schmidt : That's okay. I know you're going through a tough time.

  Jacqueline Voorhees : And it's making me wanna stress-eat. So...

  [picks up a plate containing a hamburger and fries] 

  Jacqueline Voorhees : ...if you could do it for me while I watch, that would be so thank you.

• Jacqueline Voorhees : [on reversing her decision to divorce Julian]  I don't expect you to understand, but I'm used to a certain lifestyle.

  Kimmy Schmidt : He cheated on you. You can't put a price tag on your self-respect.

  Jacqueline Voorhees : Thirty-four hundred. The amount the Olsen quadruplets paid me to keep my mouth shut.

• Kimmy Schmidt : Well, Dong just cheered me up.

  Jacqueline Voorhees : Bet it did.

  Kimmy Schmidt : Enough. Dong is a common Vietnamese name. No more jokes.

• [Jacqueline is appalled at how modest Kimmy's apartment is] 

  Jacqueline Voorhees : When are you seeing Logan, tomorrow?

  Kimmy Schmidt : What?

  Jacqueline Voorhees : This is unacceptable. You need to lock him down now. You'll need a condom and a pin.

• Jacqueline Voorhees : [on her reluctance to divorce Julian]  It's not really about the money. I'm scared, Kimmy. I don't have a family to go back to. All my friends are people I pay - trainers and stylists and beauticians - and I doubt they say, "Wow, your anus really responds to the laser" because they want to.

• [Jacqueline is at her lawyer's office going over the terms of her divorce from Julian] 

  Gary Dubbin : So, Julian agrees to cede primary custody, but he gets weekends and holidays.

  Jacqueline Voorhees : But that's not fair to Vera! Housekeepers need structure and stability.

  Gary Dubbin : Sorry, but this prenup is pretty ironclad. The good news is, you never violated the infidelity clause.

  Jacqueline Voorhees : But Julian did.

  Gary Dubbin : Unfortunately, it only pertained to you. Pursuant to the codicil, paragraph three, Mr. Voorhees retained the right to "stick it wherever."

• Kimmy Schmidt : Look. I'm happy to come over here whenever you want, but Logan Beekman is taking me to dinner on Thursday.

  Jacqueline Voorhees : Look who caught a whale! And with such dry bait.

• Mimi Kanassis : Well, you're certainly keeping it tight.

  Jacqueline Voorhees : I'm doing this new workout where I carry furniture up and down stairs. My trainer is an Israeli guy who owns a truck - wait a minute. It's a moving company.