Lewis Lovhaug: Linkara

Quotes 

• Linkara : "Santa the Barbarian" apparently began life in 1993 as a Wizard magazine trading card. If it had been Mr. T on that trading card, maybe this would have had potential, but nobody else thought that, and this is why we can't have nice things.

• Narrator : Know, o putz...

  Linkara : Know what, o dickhead?

  Narrator : ...that between the time that the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities, and last Tuesday afternoon at three o'clock, there was an age undreamed of, when big, ugly brutes ruled the earth and stunk up the place real good.

  Linkara : It's fascinating when comics from the '90s are self-aware without even realizing it.

• Linkara : Santa travels through the Arctic as the narrator tells us about how rhyming is hard.

  Narrator : I'm almost out of synonyms / This rhyming's for the birds / If the rest of this is cheesy, / It's because I'm out of words...

  Linkara : [angrily]  I wrote a 3,600-word review of a "Star Trek" comic and did it entirely in rhyme! GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND THINK OF SOME COUPLETS, YOU SLACKER!

• Narrator : Twas the Night before Christmas / And it was Santa's intention / To kill every last soul / Even those on a pension!

  Linkara : [incredulously]  So he's going after retired people? What is your problem, asshole? What did the old people do that was so naughty?

• Linkara : [about Santa the Barbarian]  He first goes to the town of... Gamora? What, did Santa not like "Guardians of the Galaxy" or something? Oh, wait, I'm sure it's supposed to be "Gomorrah", as in "Sodom and". Awesome! Evidence that the creators can't even spell correctly! And what the hell time does this take place in then? Are we in Biblical times? Is this supposed to be a modern city called that? Why would you call it that? What possible good would come from naming your city that? What morons founded this place? And what is even the joke here? Oh, it's the city of Gomorrah, even though it's not! And they must be sinful! And the rest of the world is like this? What? And if this is supposed to be the Biblical Gomorrah, I'm a little curious what actually qualifies them for the naughty list. Even scholars today argue what the sins Sodom and Gomorrah actually committed are. And I'm pretty sure Santa Claus wasn't involved in their destruction! At least, not in my copy of the Bible. Or perhaps I missed the part about the axe-wielding guy from the North Pole and his reindeer with fiery nostrils! Perhaps something in the Septuagint.

• Linkara : Somehow, this one-off, stupid joke of an idea of Santa looking vaguely battle-hardened was enough to justify a comic book released THREE YEARS LATER! And it was a Rob Liefeld idea, too. I'm shocked that anyone cared enough to keep the idea alive for a *single* year, much less *three*. However, aside from his creation of the character, he's not actually on the book in any capacity. You'd think that'd be a big plus in its favor, but of course, this was the mid-'90s, and it was Rob Liefeld's company Maximum Press. So while he himself was not working on it, everything else about the artwork resembles his style. Except, it's hard to even call Santa the Barbarian his character, because, of course, he didn't invent Santa. Hell, we can't even say they're working on his character, since it's not a character; it's a trading card photo with some dumb text about people not using chimneys anymore, somehow justifying him running around killing people!

• Narrator : Hither came Santa the Barbarian, white-haired, cherry-nosed, sack in hand, a giftgiver, a milk and cookie eater, a chimney freak...

  Linkara : ...spokesman for Coca-Cola, sometimes a samurai...

  Narrator : ...with gigantic girth and a big fat butt, to spread good cheer and reindeer poop across the shining kingdoms.

  Linkara : I don't think those two things go hand-in-hand.

• Linkara : Do we have Doctor Who and his magic box helping out Santa again? I miss that.

• Narrator : [about Santa's crusade against naughty people]  He started with my house / Which was really bad luck / 'Cause Santa could hit you / Like a freakin' Mack truck!

  Linkara : At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck if it means I could stop reading this.

• Linkara : [about Santa]  He's berating the elves, who are apparently complaining about being overworked, and that he demands they hand over the "nice" list.

  Elf : That's what I've been trying to tell you, sir! That 3x5 card... contains the entire "nice" list!

  Linkara : So the combined totals of almost *every child on Earth* were so bad as to not deserve presents? What sort of hellish nightmare world is this?

• Santa : [to his elves]  And the "naughty" list?

  Elf : We just finished it, Santa - and I've got the writer's cramp to prove it!

  Linkara : And we see that the "naughty" list is so long that it's burying this elf. The end result of all Internet comment sections.

  Elf : Looks like the old lump-of-coal-in-the-stocking shtick has lost some of its deterrent factor!

  Linkara : That's what you get when you're providing people with an energy source. You want to punish naughty kids? Give them some ranch dressing in a paper bag or a used toothbrush or something.

• Linkara : Santa runs off to the reindeer... of which there is only one.

  Santa : But what is this? Rudolph, where are your eight brothers?

  Linkara : [incredulously]  Rudolph was the brother of the other reindeer this whole time? Hmm. Man, I'm learning so much about the canon that I never knew before.

  Rudolph : We got a hold of some wicked bad chili, Santa!

  Linkara : I guess that explains why instead of a red nose, Rudolph instead expels fire from his otherwise normal nose, unless Santa stole Rudolph's nose and put it over his own like a clown nose. It certainly makes more sense than anything else. Rudolph implies that he can get Santa around under the power of his flatulence. Yippee-skippee.

• Linkara : [about Santa]  Why the hell is he attacking adults? Santa's a guy who delivers gifts to CHILDREN! You don't see Santa taking on international crime cartels! Although, come to think of it, we really should see that more often.

• Linkara : Good Lord, Santa's NOSE! Was he in a fight or something? It's not like something out of the songs and poems and crap, it looks like he's sunburnt his nose or has some kind of infection or something.

• Linkara : Part two, "The Night Before Xmas", continues the "Night Before Christmas" poem parody. Or starts a second one, because this is so devoid of anything creative. Both writers apparently went to the well for the exact same material!

  Narrator : 'Twas the night before Christmas / And all through the land / Not a creature was stirring / Not even "The Man"...

  Linkara : Who *is* the authority figure in this world when Santa can just go around murdering people?