Bill Maher: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : And finally, new rule: someone has to explain to me why Republicans believe that not working and getting free money - you know, like the takers - is the worst, most corrupting thing that could ever happen to a person except if you're rich. The very first thing our new Republican Congress tried to do was get rid of any tax on inherited wealth, which they call the "death tax". Although, really, what better time is there to pay a tax than when you're dead?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Yeah, we used to understand that, and the estate tax used to be pretty high. But then President George W. Bush came along, and...

  [scattered laughs] 

  Himself - Host : ...worked tirelessly to make sure that rich, idle trust fund brats got every penny that was coming to them. I wonder where he got the idea to reward dumbasses who leech off their dad's success.

• Himself - Host : Well, it is true: if there's one thing that really chaps the conservative ass, it's the idea of people getting money for nothing and chicks for free. Paul Ryan says "We have a culture of men not working. Generations of men not even thinking about working or learning the value and the culture of work." Yes, so true. Like, for example, this douchebag.

  [a picture of Conrad Hilton is shown] 

  Himself - Host : This is the youngest heir to the Hilton hotel fortune, Paris Hilon's brother, Conrad Hughes Fuckface Hilton III.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Who... who last year was on a flight from London when he - get this - tried to smoke pot and cigarettes up to twenty times in the bathroom, disabled the smoke detector, physically fought with the flight crew, and then told them "I could get you all fired in five minutes. I know your boss." And when told he was upsetting the other passengers, said "I will own fucking anyone on this flight. They are fucking peasants." And when the crew finally had to physically restrain him, he said "My father will pay this out. He's done it before." Kind of makes you think "Why can't we book this kid on a Malaysian airliner?".

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And before you say "But Bill, every kid who inherits money doesn't become an entitled jerk", let me give you two names: Donald Trump.

  [a picture of Trump is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Who once said "What I find so morally offensive about welfare dependency is it robs people of the chance to improve." Again, so true. Republicans are right: not having to work and getting free money does mess people up. That's why they love to talk about work! The virture of work, the right to work, work fair, the dignity that comes with work. In fact, there's only thing conservatives believe in more than work, and that's the god-given right of rich people to leave all their money to their kids so they never have to work a day in their lives.

• Himself - Host : I mean, think about it: Republicans are on board with taxing people's income, their investments, property, food, gas, booze, cigarettes, everything you buy, even your retirement; those are all okay. But the one thing that must remain tax-free is when money falls from the sky and lands in the lap of Fuckface Hilton.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But... you know, if the tough love of cutting off free money for the poor is the right thing to do, how can we stand by and do any less for the Conrad Hiltons of the world? They've never known the dignity of work, either. Shouldn't we be helping them by taxing inheritance at 100%?

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : What about poor Kylie Jenner?

  [a picture of Jenner is shown] 

  Himself - Host : When she turned sixteen, she got a $125,000 Mercedes and crashed it into some other motorist who didn't understand she was in a hurry.

  [laughter; after it dies down, another picture is shown] 

  Himself - Host : And here she is last week, a month after her father's deadly accident, texting while driving. There's gotta be some way to get her off the road and into a minimum wage job at Hot Dog on a Stick.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : And then there's little Ethan Couch.

  [a picture of Couch is shown] 

  Himself - Host : He's the Texas teenager who killed four pedestrians while driving drunk and pled, I'm not kidding about this, a condition called affluenza. Yes, affluenza, which basically says he didn't know boundaries because his rich parents didn't give him any. And it worked. He got off. So ask your doctor if being rich is right for you.