Family Guy (TV Series)

Peter's Sister (2015)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Marty McFly

Photos 

Quotes 

• TV Announcer : We now return to the Cosby Show, knowing what we know now!

  [the Cosby Show intro plays out, featuring Cosby dancing amidst his doped-up co-stars] 

  Peter Griffin : Huh. I was so busy not seeing color, I didn't see the raping either.

• Stewie Griffin : Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. Save your appetite. And don't think I haven't noticed you've already had two drinks.

  Brian Griffin : You're, like, all the worst parts of a girlfriend.

• Lois Griffin : Ugh, there's nothing worse than grocery shopping on the day before Thanksgiving.

  Stewie Griffin : [she sets the turkey down on the counter]  Yeah, that's the sound a rich family's turkey makes.

  Lois Griffin : There's still a lot more groceries in the car.

  Brian Griffin : Well, it's not a race. Take a break.

  Lois Griffin : Ugh, if you knew how close we were to putting you down last year.

  Brian Griffin : Jeez, what's her problem?

  Stewie Griffin : Eh, Thanksgiving's exhausting. You know what she could use? A little sip of that drink I invented.

  [cut to him in front of a green and black background, wired from an energy drink] 

  Stewie Griffin : Hi! Stewie Griffin here with my latest creation: Monster Energy Drink. What is it? I don't know, but it's free from this truck that stopped outside your work. Mix it with booze. Ever been wide-awake-blacked-out? Ever try to jump over a train on a bike? Ever bit the beak off a bird? Monster Energy: put it in your body and ask questions later. It's green, so it's nature.

• Stewie Griffin : Hey Meg, Thanksgiving's over. Help me with the Christmas decorations.

  [no answer] 

  Stewie Griffin : MEG! HELP ME WITH THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS!

• Meg Griffin : Hi, Dad. Look, I-I just want you to know, I feel bad about what happened with you and Aunt Karen the other day.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, you mean when she put me in that no-bottom James Bond chair and assaulted my grundle?

  Meg Griffin : I didn't even know about that.

  Peter Griffin : Well, that's 'cause it didn't happen. I'd kick her ass if she tried something like that!

  Meg Griffin : Dad, stop. Even I can see that your sister's a huge bully. And trust me, I know more about getting bullied than anyone.

  Peter Griffin : You do? How?

  [flashback to various times he's bullied her, to the accompaniment of Kool & the Gang's "Celebration"] 

  Peter Griffin : Man, I love that song.

• Meg Griffin : Dad, what I'm trying to tell you is I now see why you've been so tough on me all these years.

  Peter Griffin : 'Cause it makes my friends laugh?

  Peter Griffin : No, because that's how Aunt Karen treated you when you were a kid.

  [he gasps] 

  Peter Griffin : That's right. And that's why you need to confront Karen.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, no. Oh, no. No, I can't do that. I tried for years to stand up to her. Nothing ever worked.

  Meg Griffin : What, so now you're gonna quit? You can't quit. What if Muhammad Ali had quit?

  Muhammad Ali : [cut to the living room of his house]  Ah, my grandchildren! Who would like me to read them a book, or maybe paint their name on a grain of rice?

  Muhammad Ali's Wife : [entering with a tray of food]  Honey, dinnertime!

  Muhammad Ali : Ah, my favorite. Hot soup.

  [eating a spoonful] 

  Muhammad Ali : Right in there.

• Stewie Griffin : [Brian is on his laptop in the kitchen]  What are you working on?

  Brian Griffin : Oh, just trying to make some sense of these numbers.

  [as Stewie unplugs his earbuds, the sound of a woman moaning is heard] 

  Brian Griffin : What the... what did you hit? What happened to my spreadsheet?

  Stewie Griffin : What exactly was the endgame if I hadn't walked in?

• Lois Griffin : [Peter's sister wants to visit for the holiday]  Peter, Karen's coming and that's that.

  Meg Griffin : How cool! I didn't even know I had an aunt. I can't wait to meet her.

  Peter Griffin : Look, I'm telling you guys, it's gonna be a disaster. Just like the alternate ending of "Back to the Future."

  [cut to Marty looking at the photograph of himself with his siblings] 

  Marty McFly : Well, if I'm gonna disappear into nothing, I might as well bang my mom. Hey, Lorraine, wait up!

  [as he drops the photograph, a distorted, mentally deficient version of himself appears] 

  Marty McFly : Hi! My name's Marty! I'm in a picture!

  [the final title card appears] 

  Marty McFly : "To be contondered!"

• Peter Griffin : You ain't no champ! Not 'til you go through me!

  Karen Griffin (Heavy Flo) : Who the hell are you?

  Peter Griffin : I'm Maxi Paddy, which is short for Maxine Patricia. I was named after my father, Maxwell Patrick. But that's enough about me. I'm here to kick your ass!

  Karen Griffin (Heavy Flo) : Get out of here! I'm not fighting some fat loser from the crowd.

  Peter Griffin : Huh. It looks like this Heavy Flo is pee, because you're yellow!

• Joe Swanson : All right, Peter, your sister's the real deal. So I arranged for you to get some combat pointers from my old buddy, Steven Seagal.

  Peter Griffin : Uh, this... this fat guy?

  Joe Swanson : Yup. Go on, ask him anything.

  Peter Griffin : I... how... how did...? Uh, why-why you so fat?

  Joe Swanson : Okay, ask him about anything but his weight.

  Peter Griffin : Uh... uh, you act Asian, you look Native American, your name is possibly Jewish. What are you?

  Cleveland Brown : He fat.

• Meg Griffin : Dad, I know you can stand up to Aunt Karen. And maybe if you finally do, she'll stop terrorizing you and you won't have to take it out on me for the rest of my life.

  Peter Griffin : You know what, Meg? You're right. I'm gonna do it!

  Meg Griffin : You are?

  Peter Griffin : Damn right!

  Meg Griffin : Yay, Dad!

  Peter Griffin : I am gonna become a lady wrestler and defeat Heavy Flo in the ring.

  Meg Griffin : Wait. What? No! What? I meant go talk to her.

  Peter Griffin : Nope, it's gotta be a lady wrestling match.

• Peter Griffin : [in his new women's wrestling attire]  Comments? Questions?

  Lois Griffin : What the hell are you...

  Peter Griffin : I'm sorry, Chris had his hand up first. Chris?

  Chris Griffin : What's the capital of Maryland?

  Peter Griffin : I do not know, but that's a very good question. Now, Lois?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, what the hell are you doing?

  Peter Griffin : First, it's not Peter. When I am in this outfit, I am Maxi Paddy, the fiercest enemy of Heavy Flo.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, you look - okay, that's clever - but, Peter, you look ridiculous. Take that off. If you wanna settle things with your sister, just go talk to her.

  Peter Griffin : No, Lois, the only way to settle a family dispute is in the cage. I mean, you don't understand. Karen made me feel worse than a guy getting cut from a baseball team.

• Glenn Quagmire : Okay, now, if you're gonna defeat your sister in the ring, you gotta get to the root of your fears. We gotta go back to your childhood, so I'm gonna hypnotize you.

  [swinging a watch in front of Peter's eyes] 

  Glenn Quagmire : Okay, go back. Now, we need to go back in time.

  Peter Griffin : [in a high-pitched voice as he falls into a trance]  My jeans are husky.

  Glenn Quagmire : Okay, further. Further. Little further. Now, open your eyes and tell me what you see.

  Peter Griffin : [demonic voice, with flaming red eyes]  I see the six stations of the Lord's order, and they will all burn!

  Glenn Quagmire : Okay, too far! Too far! Too far! Come back. Come back. Come back.

  Peter Griffin : [high-pitched again]  Hey, can I make my husky jeans into cutoffs for swimming?

  Glenn Quagmire : Ah, forget it. You're ready.

• Peter Griffin : [starting the yearly family Thanksgiving football game]  All right, listen up, I'm the captain. The teams are chosen by a lottery system where...

  Meg Griffin : Aunt Karen, can I be on your team?

  Glenn Quagmire : Yeah, yeah, me, too!

  Karen Griffin (Heavy Flo) : Uh, yeah, sure, I'll take, uh, Meg, Skinny, Hot Chocolate, and the Bus. Pee Pee, you get the crumbs. Let's go.

  Stewie Griffin : All right, let's do it, Pop! I'm gonna make some sports points for you!

  Karen Griffin (Heavy Flo) : We'll kick off.

  Stewie Griffin : [as she kicks off, Peter catches it]  Hey, time-out. Did anyone tape the parade? Please tell me someone taped the parade!

  [giving Peter a hard shoulder tackle, Karen then puts him in a wrestling submission hold] 

  Glenn Quagmire : Oh, my God! She's doing the Toxic Shock!

  Peter Griffin : [getting to his feet after she lets him go]  Y-Y-You're a j-jerk, K-K-Karen!

  Cleveland Brown : What the hell was that?

  Karen Griffin (Heavy Flo) : That's his stutter. And whenever he stutters, he usually pees his pants.

  Peter Griffin : N-No, I... . d-d-don't.

  [doing so, he groans] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh...

  Stewie Griffin : So this is football. I like it.

• Cleveland Brown : I know you. You're that lady wrestler.

  Glenn Quagmire : Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's right. Hey, w-what do they call you again?

  Joe Swanson : Heavy Flo. You're Heavy Flo!

  Karen Griffin (Heavy Flo) : In the flesh and blood.

  Cleveland Brown : Gross.

  Glenn Quagmire : Man, you're amazing. I remember when you called out Andrea the Giant the day after September 11.

  Karen Griffin (Heavy Flo) : [cut to an arena locker room, where she's cutting a promo]  What just happened was a national tragedy, but it's nothing compared to what I'm gonna do to Andrea the Giant! We will never forget what happened yesterday, but you'll also never forget what's gonna happen September 17 at the Jack Witschi Sports Arena!

• Cleveland Brown : All right, Peter, most professional wrestlers become addicted to painkillers at some point. So I figure, why don't we just start now?

  Peter Griffin : Uh... okay, yeah, I'm in.

  [Cleveland passes them out] 

  Peter Griffin : Where you getting all these?

  Cleveland Brown : Stepdaughter's purse. Ain't my problem.

  [the guys ingest them; a few moments later, they're all obviously stoned] 

  Cleveland Brown : Man, I love putting my hand down my pants when I'm on drugs.

  Peter Griffin : We should just go live on a boat in some guy's backyard.

  Glenn Quagmire : So, you gonna do that wrestling stuff?

  Peter Griffin : [holding up the bottle of pills]  Nah, I'm gonna stick with these. I would crime for more of these.

• Peter Griffin : Now do you see why I didn't want Karen here, Lois? She terrorized me my whole childhood. Now she's got to embarrass me in front of my friends?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, Bonnie just changed Joe on the table. What are you worried about?

• Glenn Quagmire : Hey, Karen, later you got to show us some of your wrestling holds.

  Cleveland Brown : Yeah, what's that trademark finishing move of yours?

  Joe Swanson : The Toxic Shock.

  Glenn Quagmire : Oh, yeah, that move is badass! You're awesome. Know what else is awesome? This stuffing.

  Lois Griffin : Thank you, Glenn.

  Glenn Quagmire : You're welcome. I'm in a good mood.

• Glenn Quagmire : Wow, Karen, nice to meet you. I'm Glenn Quagmire. I didn't know Peter even had a sister.

  Karen Griffin (Heavy Flo) : What are you, ashamed of me, Chin Nuts?

  Glenn Quagmire : Oh, my God. His chin kind of does look like nuts.

  Joe Swanson : Ha, ha! I never noticed that.

  Karen Griffin (Heavy Flo) : How could you not notice it? Watch this. I-I'll punch him in the nuts.

  Glenn Quagmire : [indifferently as she punches him in the groin]  Eh, sort of clever.

• Karen Griffin (Heavy Flo) : And then so I'm like, "Peter, how was I supposed to know you didn't want your teammates to know you wore a bra?"

  Peter Griffin : [laughter from the table]  It was a custom-designed sports halter top.

  Glenn Quagmire : More stories! More stories!

  Joe Swanson : Hey, tell one where Peter is a nincompoop or maybe a silly Billy.

  [laughing] 

  Joe Swanson : Oh, man.

  Peter Griffin : Okay, let's just carve the turkey.

  Meg Griffin : Oh, Aunt Karen already carved it.

  Peter Griffin : She did? But that's my thing. I always do my "Are you a leg man or a breast man?" joke.

  Meg Griffin : Aunt Karen did that, too. It was hilarious.

  Cleveland Brown : I never really got it until she said it.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, come say hello to your sister.

  Peter Griffin : Fine. Hey, Karen, welcome to our...

  Karen Griffin (Heavy Flo) : Bring it in, Pee Pee!

  [as she farts in his face, she and the rest of the family laugh] 

  Meg Griffin : I like her.

• Peter Griffin : [in a wrestling match with his sister]  Ow! Damn it, Karen!

  Karen Griffin (Heavy Flo) : Karen? Peter, is that you? What are you doing here?

  Peter Griffin : Something I should have done a long time ago. I'm tired of you bullying me! You're going down!

  [responding to a vendor in the crowd] 

  Peter Griffin : Butt-scratcher!

  [somewhat evenly matched, she eventually locks him in the Toxic Shock] 

  Peter Griffin : D-D-D-Don't, K-K-Karen! N-N-No! Tell... Stewie... he's in charge of the show now.

  Meg Griffin : [knocking her down with a solid chair shot]  Say hello to Teen LaQueefa!

  Peter Griffin : Wow, you really saved me! Thanks, stranger.

  Meg Griffin : [taking off her mask]  Dad, it's me.

  Peter Griffin : Meg? It was you who saved me?

  Meg Griffin : That's right, Dad.

  Peter Griffin : Wow, e-even after all the crummy stuff I've done to you? But why?

  Meg Griffin : Because you're my dad. And I couldn't stand by and watch you get hurt.

  Peter Griffin : Wow. Thanks, Meg. You know, that's something even my own mom and dad never did for me. They just stood by and let Karen pick on me.

• Lois Griffin : Okay, everyone, it'll be another hour before the turkey's done, but I made more appetizers.

  Stewie Griffin : [sarcastic]  Oh, grape jelly on a Triscuit. You're a whiz.

• Peter Griffin : You know, Meg, I'm really sorry I treated you so badly over the years. I guess I was taking out all the pain I felt on you.

  Meg Griffin : I understand. Better than anybody. But I still love you, Dad.

  Peter Griffin : I love you, too, Meg.

  [as they hug, a car pulls up and Stewie gets out, dressed like a pimp, accompanied by a woman in her underwear and a fur coat] 

  Stewie Griffin : Did somebody order a hot-ass bitch and this lady? Oh, you're alive. Sorry, I was told I was in charge now. Well, if you die, this is kind of the creative direction I'm leaning toward.

• Meg Griffin : Well, I'm proud of you, Dad. You finally stood up for yourself.

  Lois Griffin : So, Peter, have you talked to Karen?

  Peter Griffin : I called, like, four times, but she's not out of the coma yet. Apparently, they usually use fake chairs, but Meg used a real one.

  Lois Griffin : Do they think she's gonna survive?

  Peter Griffin : It could go either way.

  [answering his cell phone as it rings] 

  Peter Griffin : Hello? No, I think I'm a different blood type. No, I don't want to check.

  [hanging up] 

  Peter Griffin : Doctors say there's nothing they can do.