- Carol Berrera: I have been looking at your file, and I'm worried that you're falling behind the other students.
- Bart Simpson: I'm troubled, Ma'am. I need a firm but pretty hand.
- Carol Berrera: Would you like to have Martin Prince tutor you?
- Bart Simpson: No! Last time he went to my house, he talked about bird watching all day. Even my mom got sick of it, and she loves boredom.
- Principal Skinner: Hello, Simpson. I've called you here to gloat.
- Bart Simpson: I know about you and Barrera.
- Principal Skinner: You mean you know about me and... Carol?
- Bart Simpson: You know her first name?
- Principal Skinner: Oh, I know her first and middle name. And I know a lot more than that. She likes that little shredded cheese in the salad bar.
- Bart Simpson: Pfft! Everyone likes that.
- Principal Skinner: Oh, I know even more. I know that she's never seen a single episode of Friends.
- Bart Simpson: Not even the one with...
- Principal Skinner: No a single one. And she has a cat with different colored eyes. Her name is Bowie.
- Bart Simpson: Nooo!
- Principal Skinner: Face it, Simpson. You can't compete with me. I can rent a car.
- Groundskeeper Willie: That's it, you little monsters! You've awakened Scotland's shame!
- [Plays bagpipes, kids wince in pain]
- Bart Simpson: [Thinking] I finally have a cool teacher! What am I doing? I'm sitting up straight, my hands are folded like a nerd...
- Carol Berrera: Yes?
- Bart Simpson: [Thinking] And now my hand is up! All right, time to show this naïve young veteran what happens when you call on Bart Simpson.
- Bart Simpson: Ma'am, my name is Bart, and I am glad to have you as my teacher.
- Bart Simpson: [Thinking] What the hell?