Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)
Episode #14.1 (2016)
Bill Maher: Self - Host
Photos
Quotes
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Self - Host : New rule: the Oscars have to hire Steve Harvey to read the winners.
[laughter]
Self - Host : Oh, sure, he'll get them wrong, but at least there'll be some black people on the stage.
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Self - Host : And finally, new rule: someone has to tell me how it... how it can possibly be that this fresh-faced ingénue...
[an old clip of his stand-up is played]
Self - Host : ...this forever-young rebel...
[a clip of him taking a bong from Woody Harrelson is played]
Self - Host : ...this out-of-control crazy person...
[an old "Real Time" clip is played]
Self - Host : ...is in five days going to be 60 years old.
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Self - Host : New rule: if you tell someone to kiss your ass, and they have to ask "Which one?"...
[laughter]
Self - Host : ...you might have a weight problem. In fact, I'm begining to think this is why
[Chris]
Self - Host : Christie is so irritable all the time: his head is actually on backwards.
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Self - Host : New rule: the online dating site WhereWhitePeopleMeet has to realize there are already a lot of places where white people meet.
[laughter]
Self - Host : Like country clubs, Whole Foods.
[laughter]
Self - Host : Utah.
[laughter]
Self - Host : Juries.
Self - Guest : [laughing] Juries.
Self - Host : And Peets Coffee.
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Self - Host : New rule: don't use David Bowie's death to sell Crocs. The day he died, Crocs tweeted "Your inspiration lives on forever." Wait, so the Crocs company was inspired by David Bowie, an icon of avant-garde style? No! You make plastic shoes for slobs.
[laughter]
Self - Host : You want to be inspired by Bowie? Stop making Crocs.
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Self - Host : New rule: oh, say, can you see? Yes, I can, and thanks.
[laughter]
Self - Host : This is Ciara singing the national anthem this week. She sang it great, even though I totally forgot which country we were honoring.