Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (TV Series)

Donald Trump (2016)

John Oliver: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• John Oliver - Host : Make Donald Drumpf again.

• John Oliver - Host : Our main story tonight, and I cannot believe I'm saying this, is Donald Trump. And I say that...

  [boos from the audience] 

  John Oliver - Host : I say that knowing that every time his name is said out loud, he has a shattering orgasm.

• John Oliver - Host : Donald Trump can seem appealing, until you take a closer look, much like the lunch buffet at a strip club, or the NFL, or having a pet chimpanzee. Sure, it seems fun, but some day, Coco's gonna tear your fucking limbs off.

  [laughter] 

  John Oliver - Host : Because let's look at each of those qualities those people listed. First, "he tells it like it is." Does he? Because the website PolitiFact checked 77 of his statements and rated 76% of them as varying degrees of false. And I've witnessed this firsthand; he once attacked my old boss by tweeting "If Jon Stewart is so above it all and legit, why did he change his name from Jonathan Liebowitz? He should be proud of his heritage." And then two years later, wrote "I never attacked dopey Jon Stewart for his phony last name. Would never do that." And then just last year, he claimed, falsely, to have turned down an invite to appear on this "very boring show." And... and who's he trying to impress with that lie? Our show's guests include sloths and puppies. We're basically a petting zoo with a desk.

  [laughter] 

  John Oliver - Host : But... but when we pointed out that he had never been invited, this is how he responded.

  [footage of a radio interview Trump gave] 

  John Oliver - Host : Well, look, first... first, I wouldn't expect him to know who I was, although for his inevitable angry tweet about this segment, I'll tell him what I look like. I look like a near-sighted parrot who works in a bank.

• John Oliver - Host : We have mostly ignored Trump on this show. But he has now won three states, has been endorsed by Chris Christie, and polls show him leading most Super Tuesday states, which is a big deal. Since 1988, every candidate who's won the most states on Super Tuesday went on to become their party's nominee. So at this point, Donald Trump is America's back mole. It... it may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it's gotten frighteningly bigger, it is no longer wise to ignore it.

• John Oliver - Host : I'm not even sure he knows he's lying; I think he just doesn't care about what the truth is. Donald Trump views the truth like this lemur views the Supreme Court vacancy.

  [a picture of a lemur is shown] 

  John Oliver - Host : "I don't care about that in any way. Please fuck off. I have a banana."

• John Oliver - Host : "I'll sue you" is Trump's version of "Bazinga!". It doesn't really mean anything, but he says it all the time.

• John Oliver - Host : And look, look, his fingers seem fine. But the very fact he's so sensitive about them is hilarious. As is the fact that those notes were apparently written in gold sharpie, which is so quintessentially Donald Trump, something that gives the passing appearance of wealth, but is actually just a cheap tool.

• Self - Host : He always seems to be in the same mood: Smug, but gassy.