Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Jem and the Holograms (2016)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : The original "Jem and the Holograms" was a slightly dated '80s cartoon. Just slightly. It centered around a singer who led a double life, using technology from a supercomputer named Synergy to use holograms in her earrings to disguise herself.

  [shrugs] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It was... It was Jem. Which is more than I can say for the movie. Not only did viewers freak when they saw that the trailer virtually had nothing to do with the original source material, but so few people saw it that it was pulled from theaters in literally two weeks. TWO WEEKS! That's faster than when we figured out Saddam Hussein might be a bad guy! It was ignored by the masses, panned by the critics, and despised by true fans of the original show.

• Nostalgia Critic : You'll notice that this movie was made by BH Productions, known primarily for making horror films. That's so easy, I'm just gonna give you a pass on that joke, movie. But you better have tougher material for me later.

• Nostalgia Critic : You're probably wondering, outside of giving us an insultingly weak story and characters, explaining how to not be a corporate sellout while being one of the biggest corporate sellouts of all time, and having virtually nothing to do with the show whatsoever, how can they possibly insult the fans even further? Well, you see, the makers of this movie actually offered the fans a chance to be in the movie. All they had to do is film themselves saying how much they love Jem the cartoon. A good idea, get the buzz going, maybe play it in the end credits or something. But that's not what they do. They take the footage of the fans saying how much they love the cartoon, and they edit it to look like they're talking about the Jem from the movie, a movie nobody had seen by that point and has little to do with the show they love. But now, it looks like they're praising the hell out of it.

  [he shows footage of the fans' videos in which they praise Jem] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Wow. That is low. Oh, you like the cartoon?

  [shows more footage of the fan videos] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You think she's truly outrageous? Well, this is what you were talking about the whole time!

  [shows footage from the movie] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, yeah! This is Jem! You said it! Oh, you felt a strong, emotional bond? Well, that's not the cartoon! It's this Jem! This is the Jem you felt a strong, emotional bond for! This is like asking people to make videos saying why they love "Star Wars", and then suddenly editing it to make it look like you're talking about "The Phantom Menace"! It's not just cruel, it's a slap in the friggin' face! What makes it even funnier is how lazy it is.

  [he shows more footage of fan videos, providing further clues about what they're talking about] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Not only do they have the text of the cartoon all over their stuff, not only are they dressed up like the cartoon characters and not the movie...

  [shows another video, this one with the Jem cartoon playing on a TV] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... BUT YOU CAN SEE THE CARTOON PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND! Yeah! They just left that in! It's so clear what they're talking about! How amazingly lazy can you get?

• Nostalgia Critic : I'm not gonna act like I enjoyed this stupid cartoon. We all had our shows that only existed to sell toys. I had mine, you had yours, and that's fine. But there's a definite audience that grew up with this, and while I know there has to be changes when adapting a show to film, there is absolutely no respect and no love for any of the people that grew up with it. Say what you want about "Transformers", but it had Transformers. This has no Jem... and they're strangely proud of that.

• Nostalgia Critic : We open with performer and fame Sharknado star, Audrey Peeples, playing Jerrica, who is making a video about how she became Jem.

  Jerrica : ...my little sister, Kimber. Now you know how people go online and overshare every tiny little detail, and your life is just an open e-book for everyone to see...

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah. Tell me more about how your sister shares everything in this TWO-HOUR VIDEO ABOUT HOW YOU BECAME A STAR. You know what, movie? I'll let this one pass, too. In fact, give me the first hit! You can have the first hit! It's okay!

  [a hand punches the Critic in the face] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Great! Now I have to be relentless on ya!