Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (TV Series)

Debt Buyers (2016)

John Oliver: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : Now, Donald Trump... Donald Trump has broadly denied the claims in the lawsuits, and his attorneys have gathered statements from satisfied customers. In fact, to hear Trump tell it, the school was very good value.

  [a clip is shown of Trump claiming a 98% approval rating] 

  Himself - Host : Okay, first, there is something instantly fishy about 98%. The only things that have that level of unanimous approval are dictators, Pixar movies, and Neapolitan ice cream.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Yeah, it's got chocolate for the chocoholics, vanilla for the borings, and strawberry for the perverts.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : In fact, according to plaintiffs, the reason those numbers are so high is because the surveys were not anonymous and were filled out when participants were still expecting to recieve future benfits from the program, such as assistance or mentoring from the instructor they were evaluating. So listen to why one former student gave it a good review that he now regrets.

  [a clip is shown in which said student compares it to getting food poisoning at a fancy restaurant] 

  Himself - Host : The only thing worse than that is having that same feeling and then realizing "Oh, shit. He's got three years, 364 days left in his first term." But... but perhaps the most valuable lesson to come out of Trump University is the one that it is currently giving all of us in what's behind Trump's campaign strategy. Because the playbook tells his salespeople "You don't sell products, benefits, or solutions. You sell feelings." And that is what is happening now. Crowds at a Trump rally may not be able to point to a concrete benefit or solution he offers, but they know how he makes them feel, and that is jacked up and ready to boo any name that sounds vaguely Latino.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : So, if you are planning to vote for Trump in November, I'd like to direct you to a quote from the top of Trump University's old homepage, "Take the risk, but before you do, learn what you're getting yourself into." Donald, I could not have said it better myself. So, thank you.

  [with heavy sarcasm] 

  Himself - Host : Or should I say "congratulations"?

• Himself - Host : Let us dive right in this week with the 2016 election. Or as it's increasingly known, America's Fucktastic Cirque De Dismay.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Now, the big news this week surrounded Donald Trump, a punchline that is quickly becoming a nightmare. L-Like if you said "Take my wife, please", and then she was actually kidnapped by ISIS.

• Himself - Host : Now, this week revealed a somewhat startling statistic.

  [a clip is shown reporting Donald Trump has been involved in at least 3,500 lawsuits] 

  Himself - Host : 3,500 lawsuits! That is unprecedented for a presidential nominee. In fact, if each lawsuit involving Trump were the basis for an episode of "Law & Order", they could sustain all 456 episodes of the original, all 389 episodes of "Law & Order: SVU", all 195 episodes of "Law & Order: Criminal Intent", and all 22 episodes of "Law & Order: L.A.", as well as every episode of "The Practice", "Ally McBeal", "L.A. Law", "Boston Legal", "Night Court", "The Good Wife", "Matlock", "JAG", "Perry Mason", "Judging Amy", "The Guardian", "The Public Defender", "Owen Marshall, Counselor at Law", "Harry's Law", "Courthouse", "Suits", "Family Law", "Sweet Justice", 1971's "The D.A.", 2004's "The D.A.", "Reasonable Doubts", "Damages", "Shark", "The Defenders", "The Paper Chase", "Head Cases", "Judd for the Defense", and all three episodes of NBC's "First Years", and at that point, you're still missing one lawsuit.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But you've also basically run out of television shows about lawyers, meaning Trump's lawsuits exceed the limits of the fucking genre!

• Himself - Host : Lately, there have been some new developments with Trump-related litigation, after he complained about a judge presiding over two particular cases against him.

  [a clip of Trump is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Oh! Oh, you do, do you? You think that's fine? Great news, people of Mexican descent, Donald Trump thinks it's fine for you to be a human being existing on this planet.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Now, for the record, the judge in question was born in Indiana, but that's not the point. Because, as he later clarified, it was the judge's Mexican heritage that made him unfit to judge Trump.

  [a clip of Jake Tapper interviewing Trump is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Wait... where exactly are you from?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Because you look like you came out of a clogged drain at the Wonka factory.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And you know what? That's great. I think that's fine. But think about... think about what he's implying there. The judge is unfit to do his job because of his ethnic background. And just this morning, Trump took it a step further.

  [a clip of Trump on "Face the Nation" is shown] 

  Himself - Host : I would say that was the dictionary definition of bigotry, except after this campaign, the definition of bigotry might just become "See: Trump, Donald".

• Himself - Host : Now, as it happens, the judge he initially insulted is overseeing cases involving the controversial Trump University. And he ordered a cache of documents to be released this week. Which was very exciting to us, because we actually looked into his university when we did our big piece on Trump back in February, and it wound up on this very long list of awful Donald Trump stories that we literally didn't have time to delve into, even in a 22-minute piece. But, once we started reading through these new documents, we figured "Oh, fuck it. Let's take some time to talk about it now."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Because Trump University is kind of amazing. Back when it opened, Trump made some big claims.

  [a promotional clip of Trump is shown] 

  Himself - Host : "The world of success." It-it sounds like what Donald Trump calls his bedroom.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "Welcome the World of Success. Please enjoy a mint and a nondisclosure agreement."

• Himself - Host : Now, unfortunately, Trump University ran into problems in several states, starting with the name itself.

  [a clip of New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Holy shit! Trump University wasn't even a university. Which is enough to make you wonder what the fuck was in Trump steaks? Oh, god, it was possum, wasn't it? It was possum, you monsters!

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But the name was just the beginning, 'cause remember how he had "hand-picked instructors"? Well, according to his own depositions, he did not personally select instructors for live seminars, and was unable to recall the names of key faculty members. And it's probably good that he didn't handpick them himself; that would be dangerous. Anything Trump's tiny fingers touch turn into an ex-wife or an abandoned casino. And it doesn't stop there. According to the sworn testimony by several former employees, many instructors and mentors had no experience buying or selling real estate. In fact, one had worked as a salesman for Lowe's, and another had been manager for Buffalo Wild Wings.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Or as I call it, B-Dubs-Dubs. And... and even a former member of Trump's own sales staff testified that it was, among other things, a joke, a façade, and was just selling false hopes and lies. And to be fair, every university has sold some of its students false hopes and lies. It's just most of the time, they call it a theater arts degree.

• Himself - Host : Now, these... these new documents also include several revealing playbooks of sales tactics. For instance, the room temperature was to be no more than 68 degrees, which is partly to keep students alert, and partly because Professor Wild Wings doesn't want the ranch sauce getting all gamy.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : There are also instructions on how to sell and upsell students, or as the playbooks call them, "buyers", on expensive courses, with typo-riddled tips like "If a client is adamant about knowing the price, simply say 'Our course range anywhere from $29 to $35,000'." And if prospects seemed at all wary, there was advice for dealing with that.

  [a clip is shown, detailing tips including "You must be very aggressive" and "If they complain about the price, remind them that Trump is the best"] 

  Himself - Host : You might laugh, but that is the same technique that Trump has been using to run for president, and apparently, it fucking works!

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : These playbooks are rife with sleazy salesmanship. For instance, employees were told to substitute the words "thank you" with "congratulations", so that the potential customer ends up thanking you. Which is pretty obnoxious.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : If I started this show every week with "Welcome to 'Last Week Tonight', congratulations on joining us", you would quite rightly turn it off.

• Himself - Host : And I know what you're thinking: "Well, what about people who simply didn't have the money?". Trump U didn't really have a problem with that.

  [a clip of coverage on Fox News is shown] 

  Himself - Host : "Lack of money is not an excuse" is not what single parents need to hear. It's what Donald Trump needs to hear when a fifth company of his inevitably files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. And as you might expect, some of the customers on the other end of that hard sell wound up feeling duped, like Carmen Mendez, who put a $35,000 course on her credit cards and was left disappointed.

  [a clip of a CNN interview is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Oh, that's not a one-off, 'cause another former student said "We were told that we would get to have our pictures taken with Donald Trump. It ended up being a cardboard cutout of Mr. Trump." Which is actually a perfect metaphor for Trump University. You're expecting the real thing, but in the end, all you get is a tacky, two-dimensional façade with Donald Trump's face slapped on it. But perhaps the most suspicious thing of all is that the playbooks even include specific instructions on what to do if an attorney general shows up. And believe it or not, the answer is not "Kick over a table as a distraction and get the fuck out of there."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : No. Apparently, you contact April immediately. And it also reminds you "You do not have to show them any personal information unless they have a warrant", which is suspicious advice for a university employee. I'm pretty sure Harvard doesn't tell its new professors "Welcome, here's a gun and a cyanide capsule in case the fuzz show up. Don't let them take you alive!"