- [first lines]
- Chidi Anagonye: So, Aristotle was Plato's student. And Aristotle believes that your character is voluntary, because it's just the result of your actions, which are under your control. For example, right now, you have made the insane choice to ignore the person who is literally trying to save you from eternal damnation.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm listening. Uh, I just... are we sure we should be paying attention to these guys? It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?
- Chidi Anagonye: Plato.
- Chidi Anagonye: I have what doctors call "directional insanity". I once got lost on an escalator. So, not exactly Christopher Columbus.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Oh, so now I'm supposed to be nice and make friends and treat her with mutual respect?
- Chidi Anagonye: Yeah.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: That exactly what she wants me to do, Chidi, wake up!
- Chidi Anagonye: That... that's what everyone wants everyone to do.
- [last lines]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Okay, you're right. I don't belong here. Michael made a mistake. But I'm trying, dude. I'm really trying to be a good person. And I think I'm changing for the better, so just please, please don't rat me out.
- Jianyu Li: Don't worry, I won't.
- [sighs]
- Jianyu Li: Because I'm not supposed to be here, either. I don't know how I got here, I have no idea what's going on, and I am freakin' out, homey! You got to help me. I'm scared!
- Eleanor Shellstrop: What?
- Michael: Listen, Chidi. I've been studying your file. You're a very interesting case. You essentially only did one thing while you were on Earth. You thought and wrote about ethics.
- Chidi Anagonye: Yes, I spent 18 years working on my manuscript called "Who We Are and Who We Are Not--colon--Practical Ethics and Their Application in the Modern World--semi-colon--a Treatise--"
- Michael: Yes, yes, yes, that's the one. That's the one.
- Chidi Anagonye: Thank you for trying to find me a new hobby. Um, but I just want to be an academic. I want to keep working on my manuscript.
- Michael: Chidi, here's the thing. See, I read your whole book, all 3,600 pages of it. It's, um... how shall I put this?
- Janet: It's a mess, dude.
- Chidi Anagonye: [Janet drops Chidi's massive manuscript into his hands] Hey!
- Michael: She's right. You see, Chidi, I can read the entirety of the world's literature in about an hour. This took me two weeks to get through. I mean, it's so convoluted, I just kept reading the same paragraph over and over again, trying to figure out what the heck you were saying.
- Chidi Anagonye: Oh, no.
- Michael: I mean, on page 1,000, you start section two with the sentence, "Of course, the exact opposite might be true."
- Andy: [reaching across the table] Did you know your left reference is a little bit bigger than your right reference? It's not a bad thing, it's just... it's a thing.