Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (2016)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Shawn

Quotes 

• [the Critic sees a bright light shine down on him] 

  Roger : [from inside the light]  You thought my terror was over? You thought there was no more torture to confront? Well, you were wrong!

  Nostalgia Critic : What the Jesus? What is that?

  Roger : The time has come to finish what you started years ago.

  [the light stops, leaving behind a DVD of "Scooby-Doo 2"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Why aren't I used to stuff like this already?

  [he sees the DVD] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, God!

  Roger : [appearing dressed as a security guard]  Hello. Something I miss?

  Nostalgia Critic : No, security guard I didn't know worked here, except... a mystery.

  Roger : Oh yeah? And what mystery is that?

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, the last time I reviewed a Scooby-Doo movie, it nearly killed me, creating a rift in the space-time continuum from an angel named Roger that I killed in a Christmas special years ago, links here.

  Roger : Ah. So there's only one person who could be responsible for this.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes. And I have no idea who that person is.

  Roger : Seriously?

  Nostalgia Critic : But I know the wild, wacky, mystery-solving group who can figure it out.

  Roger : Do they involve hijinks?

  Nostalgia Critic : Of course.

  Roger : Goofy antics?

  Nostalgia Critic : Naturally.

  Roger : Crazy misadventures?

  Nostalgia Critic : I feel that these are all variations of the same thing, but yes.

  Roger : And who might they be?

  Nostalgia Critic : [talking on his cell phone]  Get me Gus, Lassie and Jules.

  Roger : [more than a little confused]  What?

• Nostalgia Critic : The film opens with a ray of hope, seeing how it was written by the director of "Guardians of the Galaxy", James Gunn. But it's quickly dashed when you see it was directed by Raja Gosnell, which, as we all know, is the human incarnation of the phrase "No refunds".

• Nostalgia Critic : Scooby and Shaggy come across the pirate ghost who breathes fire. But, it's okay, because Scooby farts!

  [the ghost, not a pirate, but the Miner 49er, breathes fire at our heroes, but Scooby deflects it back by farting; the Miner ends up burnt and knocked unconscious] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And your kid has eaten his own brain!

  [the Future Idiot Measuring Scale reappears; the person inside is eating a brain] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Congratulations! Your Red Box rental has taken a life! You could've been watching "Dora's Enchanted Forest Adventures". YOU COULD'VE BEEN WATCHING "DORA'S ENCHANTED FOREST ADVENTURES"!

• Nostalgia Critic : I'll review this movie, but only if we have callbacks to the '80s that people in their 20s and 30s will get.

  Gus : That doesn't sound familiar?

  Nostalgia Critic : No, we'll try to get the millennials, too. Watch.

  [turns to the camera] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Pokemon sucks!

  [suddenly, to the sound of an audience booing, several angry comments pop up on the screen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Still got it.

• [in the movie, Shaggy drinks a potion that turns him into a woman] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [freaking out at this sight]  I WANNA GO HOME!

• Roger : If you're looking for someone to blame for making you watch this movie, just know...

  [singsong voice] 

  Roger : ... he's probably closer than you realize.

  Nostalgia Critic : Don't you have a door to be in front of or something?

  [Roger nods in agreement and walks out, frustrated that the Critic hasn't figured out he is the one] 

  Roger : [punching the door frame in frustration]  Madre de pendejo!

  ["Son of a bitch!"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Some people never open their eyes.

• Nostalgia Critic : [seeing reporter Heather Jasper-Howe interview the Mystery Inc. crew]  She did it. Yeah, your literal first guess is right: Alicia Silverstone playing a pretty reporter in a Scooby-Doo movie for seemingly no reason at all. Who else could it possibly be?

  [a scowling old man, played by Peter Boyle, appears in the crowd] 

  Nostalgia Critic : No, no, don't try to cut to a fake-out; we know it's her. Why else would she act in this career-ending final nail? She's not even holding the microphone up to the person she's interviewing! I've never seen someone so desperate to be found guilty in my life!

• Nostalgia Critic : And, yes, all the same actors came back for this. Okay, you have no excuse. You know how bad the first film was!

• Nostalgia Critic : Congratulations, movie! You gave Shaggy boobs. Was this your goal? To give Shaggy boobs? Was that the whole reason for this film existing? The only time the words "Shaggy" and "Boobs" should go together is in a British porno. And even then, with a restraining order against Raja Gosnell!

• Nostalgia Critic : [Scooby is revealed to have dog fans, one of whom wants him to sniff its butt]  If you like to see how this movie is making your kid dumber as he grows up, this movie comes complete with a Future Idiot Measuring Scale.

  [said scale appears and responds appropriately as the Critic speaks] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So we see your kid was going to be a successful district attorney, but after that joke... Oh! He's an injury lawyer for Chippendale pole dancers! But at least this movie shut him up for an hour and a half!

• [in the movie, the gang approaches an old house and are about to ring the doorbell, which Shaggy is hesitant about, but Fred is confident nothing will happen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm... lost to the exploration of possibilities that can come from this. Maybe world peace suddenly breaks out. Or maybe a cure for all known diseases is discovered. Or, I don't know, maybe something bad happens.

  [the third possibility turns out to be right: once Fred rings the doorbell, the gang falls down through a trap door] 

  Nostalgia Critic : How's that scale for your kid coming, by the way?

  [the Future Idiot Measuring Scale reappears; again, the Critic responds accordingly to what happens] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, look at that! He was about to get into Harvard University. Now he's working at a Wal-Mart Subway, serving cow snot as meat. Just be happy you didn't show him a movie with subtitles.

• [in the movie, the Black Knight tries to attack the gang] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Daphne tries to fight it off as Velma tries to deduce where its weakness is. Wait! This is 2004. We've already used one of the five jokes that's used everywhere. Surely the second one must be...

  [Velma kicks the Black Knight in its groin] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I hope you didn't want him to pass high school...

  [the Future Idiot Measuring Scale reappears; again, the Critic responds accordingly to what happens] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... because now he's drinking paint behind a Sherwin-Williams. Climb the ladder!

• [Shaggy and Scooby entire a disco bar in disguise, Scooby disguised as a disco dancer with an afro wig on his head] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You know, it is a Raja Gosnell film. Shouldn't there be a dick-piercingly bad musical number right about now?

  [sure enough, there is, as Scooby and a couple of dancers have a disco dance number] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Wha...? This is exciting. Ladies and gentlemen, making his first public appearance, the dog-faced hellspawn that has been in everybody's nightmares at some point! You thought he was gone for good, but Raja Gosnell has brought him back to eat your dreams!

  [the Future Idiot Measuring Scale reappears] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Congratulations! Your kid forgot what the number 2 means!

  [the person in the scale is seen dancing in the bar, while a caption below reads "#2 = Gone"] 

• Evil Masked Figure : Who do you think you are?

  Scooby Doo : Scooby... Dooby... Doo!

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Scooby]  Mudder rucker!