The Jesus Rolls (2019)

John Turturro: Jesus

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Quotes 

• Jesus : I'm not into dating. You like me? We get it on. But don't let me have to feed you first.

• Boy : [at the urinal]  Wow, that's big.

  Jesus : I have to have special underwear, man.

  Boy : Really?

  Jesus : Yeah. But size ain't everything. Don't make you a man. For that you need balls.

• Mother : It's me, Mommy.

  Jesus : Jesus.

• Jesus : You know shit about jail, Frank?

  Family Man : No, not - not personally.

  Jesus : You know what you got at night to help you sleep?

  Family Man : No.

  Jesus : Tell him, Petey.

  Petey : Your hand.

• Jesus : [to Petey]  Nice going, man. Great performance. Three and a half minutes, man.

  Marie : Jesus, want to try?

  Jesus : You got there so fast she never left the starting gate, man?

  Marie : Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on.

  Jesus : Watch and learn, young man. You have to admire the professionalism, man. The flexibility, man. It's all about finessing. Nice and easy, man, does it, man. We have the whole night ahead of us, right, Marie? Oh! Yeah! Woo! Woo! Yeah! Ah! Woo! Yeah!

• Jesus : I chopped his ass up.

• Jesus : Let's roll.

• Warden : I've never seen any one lick a ball before you throw a strike.

  Jesus : That's my style.

  Warden : Keep on bowling, boy.

• Jesus : Your own muscle car, man. How's that for a smooth ride, huh? Feel that torque, man! Fucking poetry, man! Ah!

• Jesus : It doesn't bother you, Frank, to do the horizontal with my mother?

• Jesus : Nobody fucks with the Jesus, man! Nobody.

• Jesus : Got to be honest, man, there's nothing more dope than a fine black woman. Blondes have more fun? Bullshit. I lost my virginity to a Cocola in the synagogue. It was my Uncle Pedro's house.

• Jesus : When you think about it, it's a drag to be famous, eh?

  Petey : I'll tell you who was underrated, Vanessa Del Rio.

  Jesus : I don't like porn.

  Petey : She got so into it. She's like Pacino or something.

  Marie : Oh, there are good actresses and bad actresses, even in porn.

• Petey : I want to see his name, Paul Dominique, in the obits column. Fuck.

  Jesus : You shouldn't do that.

  Petey : What?

  Jesus : Never wish another person dead.

  Petey : What are you talking about? Nothing I ever wish for comes true.

• Security Officer Barley : You looking for trouble?

  Jesus : No, no, no. Just a pair of jeans, some undies, panties.

• Marie : Maybe I wasn't made right. How are the other girls? What do they do?

  Petey : They're alive! You know, they - they - they enjoy themselves.

  Jesus : They moan and they thank you with their eyes.

  Petey : Their eyes - their eyes roll back in their heads. You could see the whites.

  Marie : Maybe you could - teach me. Want to try?

  Jesus : Yeah, man. Be my guest, man.

• Jesus : Ain't no pleasure for the Jesus not to give pleasure.

• Petey : Wow! So you didn't remember we balled?

  Marie : Well, I don't call that balling.

  Petey : What do you call it?

  Marie : Well, making love a little.

  Jesus : And we succeeded?

  Marie : Well, I'm sorry, no. But you tried! A for effort.

• Jesus : We got to pull a Houdini. Hit the mattresses.

• Jesus : No more shampoo girls, man.

  Petey : I liked Marie because she was good people.

  Jesus : You know what you need, my friend? A night with a real woman, a tiger.

  Petey : Okay, I'm all for that.

  Jesus : A fighter. You don't know which is end is up, man.

• Jack : Is that your car? Plymouth Fury?

  Jesus : Third generation.

  Jack : The Swedish police used to use that. And they never die.

• Petey : She went abroad.

  Jack : Where?

  Jesus : Portugal.

  Jack : Where's Portugal?

• Jesus : It's not always about the Johnson or the coochie, man.

  Petey : What do you mean?

  Jesus : It's the brain - telling the body to let go, eh? It's perplexing shit.

• Marie : I did it! I got my Christmas present. Finally!

  Petey : When I think of how we knocked ourselves out - over your hang up.

  Jesus : Balling, night and day.

  Petey : I mean, what does he got that we don't got? What?

  Jesus : One that vibrates?

• Jesus : You have to go.

  Marie : When I just started coming and feeling like this? No fucking way!

• Jesus : Her little chest gets me. You can almost see the heartbeat.

• Jesus : I don't know who chose this car, but it's worse than a prison cell.

  Marie : Ah, it's good for the environment.

  Petey : Fuck the environment.

• Marie : You're happy?

  Petey : Yeah. I am.

  Jesus : We're good together, no? Thanks, man. Peaceful, on the road, hanging loose.