Johnny Carson: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Ed McMahon : That big mansion that you have does not include a court?

  Johnny Carson : Now, what do you mean? I don't live in a mansion!

  Ed McMahon : What?

  Johnny Carson : A little G.I. housing thing.

  Ed McMahon : I spent a weekend there, only saw half of it.

  Johnny Carson : You want me to tell 'em where your home address is?

• Johnny Carson : [on government grants]  Three hundred thousand dollars was spent for a Masters and Johnson study entitled "Male Impotence, and Kitchen Utensils That Can Help".

• Johnny Carson : You've never used this in court or anything. I mean, how's the legal profession look upon this as a - as an attorney?

  John Twomey : Well, I'll tell ya - in the courtroom, during a tense trial, you kinda wait towards the end of the trial. Kinda like a "gotcha" - you know how that story goes? And just as the opposing counsel is just rising to make an important point to the jury, you know...

  [he makes two farting sounds with his hands] 

  John Twomey : Just a couple of quick...

• Johnny Carson : That was a new little addition there, wasn't it? The humming, with the - the, uh...

  John Twomey : Well, yes - it's... it's kind of a three-part harmony. I'm working on a fourth part, but I can't really divulge that.

  Johnny Carson : Well, I... I - I'm not sure we're ready for a demonstration.

• Robert Blake : Every couple of months, we call the lawyers, and divide up the kids and the furniture, and throw things, and do the whole - just push it as far as we can. And just kinda run it right into the toilet until it's out of gas. And then it's over.

  Johnny Carson : Then you're back together again.

  Robert Blake : Yeah.

  Johnny Carson : Now you tell me.

• Johnny Carson : That's like writing a letter, when you're angry at somebody - sit down and write the letter, don't send it. And say all of the things that you're angry at, and put the stamp on it - and then throw it away, or put it in the drawer. Say it's sometimes - it does the same thing.

  Robert Blake : I didn't get to that yet.

  Johnny Carson : You haven't...

  Robert Blake : I still send the letter.

• Robert Blake : They put some big star with a - with a lady, and they go in the tank. So they stick him with another guy, and they go off in the sunset together, and it makes a lot of money.

  Fernando Lamas : Yeah. And we never know what they do beyond the sunset, those two!

  Robert Blake : Yeah. That's a strange phenomenon...

  Fernando Lamas : Very strange.

  Robert Blake : That really is true.

  Fernando Lamas : That is.

  Robert Blake : You don't see John Garfield and Paulette Goddard go off in the sunset - it's Redford and Newman.

  Fernando Lamas : Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Yeah.

  Johnny Carson : Well, progress; I don't know.

  Robert Blake : That's progress.

  Fernando Lamas : Let's be broad-minded; what the hell.

• Johnny Carson : Are you Italian?

  Victoria Principal : Am I Italian? Principale - Vittoria!

  Johnny Carson : You've another Italian over here.

  Fernando Lamas : Oh - you *are* Italian, eh?

  Robert Blake : *I* used to be Italian.

  Victoria Principal : Did you?

  Johnny Carson : Before the operation.

• Johnny Carson : [on government grants]  Eighty-seven thousand dollars for a study of why sex is better than cleaning up the yard, no matter what your wife says.

• John Twomey : I know that tonight, for example, there are manualists... uh, not coming forward to the public. They're just sitting home playing with themselves... And I think they're really...

  Johnny Carson : Absolutely. You've got to have an audience for that.

• Fernando Lamas : Now they say, "The star of our show!" And some idiot comes up, and he says, "We're gonna play a game now."

  Johnny Carson : Time to bet your bippy!

  Fernando Lamas : "We're playin' a game! You take off all your clothes, and you show, and the one who's better equipped wins the game." And this is the "star" of a show.

• Johnny Carson : It's always tough to find people who do comedy - 'cause it's probably the roughest job in the world to walk out in front of an audience when you're not known, and make people laugh.

• Johnny Carson : I'm tryin' to get a story about a sweet old grandmother here, and I...

  Fernando Lamas : Right. Right. You - you wouldn't take it; you couldn't take - see, as they... I mean, nobody can yell 24 hours a day and be sane.