Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #15.13 (2017)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : Hey, give yourselves a hand for getting through a hundred days of Donald Trump, huh?

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : Right? A hundred days of Trump. It's like Lent if we all gave up reality.

• Himself - Host : Yeah, they're big on this hundred day mark. Some people across are disappointed at his lack of accomplishments; Vladimir Putin.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : All that work for nothing.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Um... but you know who...

  [he laughs] 

  Himself - Host : ...you know who thinks Trump is doing a great job?

  [audience members shout "Donald Trump"] 

  Himself - Host : Yes. Donald Trump. I know. Who'd have thought Donald Trump? A reporter asked him to grade himself; he gave himself an "A". Ooh... who... what a... knock me over with a feather, Donald Trump giving himself an "A". And you can trust that grade, 'cause he used to own a fake university.

• Himself - Host : The White House this week put out of a list of his accomplishments. And most them were not accomplishments. Like on the list was "partnering with the private sector". Yeah, that's what government does. Not an accomplishment. Uh... "got all my kids jobs". Not really something... one of them just said, word for word, I'm quoting this, "women and space exploration".

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Yeah, Trump...

  [he laughs] 

  Himself - Host : Trump knows about women and space. His wife lives two hundred miles away.

• Himself - Host : But it's so telling. He gave an interview today, and, uh... he was very revealing. He said "This is... this is more work than my previous life."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "I thought it would be easier." He said that, yeah. Yeah. Who knew? "Nobody knew."

  [mimicking Trump's hand movements] 

  Himself - Host : "Nobody knew that presidenting would be so hard. It looks so..."

  [he laughs again] 

  Himself - Host : "It looks so easy in the movies when Morgan Freeman does it. I didn't know." He doesn't...

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : Here's what he said he doesn't like. Uh, he's isolated, he... he misses driving, uh... and when you say stuff, people check to see if it's true.

  [pantomime crying] 

  Himself - Host : "It's not far." Whiny little bitch, isn't he?

• Himself - Host : But there does seem to be a, uh, pattern emerging here after a hundred days that we can see. First Donald Trump pulls shit out of his ass and says "So easy to fix. So easy." Then, phase two, "Nobody knew."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Nobody knew it was hard. And then phase three, we go back to what Obama was doing. Trade with China, go back to that. ISIS, go back to that policy. The Iran deal, go back to that. Health care, NAFTA. All the campaign, all he talked about was "not the worst deal ever. Fucking disaster." Now, you know what happened this week? He talked to the Mexican president, he talked to the Canadian prime minster; NAFTA's back on. Same thing happened when he talked to the Chinese president, and suddenly we're on their side. He's like "The Manchurian Candidate" but you don't even have to hypnotize him.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Just... just tell him he's pretty and you're all-in.

• Himself - Host : Plainly, we have this president who knows nothing, didn't know anything about any of the issues, not about the basics. And I mean the *basics*, like how a bill becomes a law.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : How many branches of government we have. I mean, he didn't know what Brexit was, he didn't know who the Curds were, he didn't know what the nuclear triad is. It's like the president is a baby with a mobile over his head.

  [he pantomimes batting at a mobile in a crib] 

  Himself - Host : He just... he's just learning about things.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Did you know what he did this week? He bussed the entire Senate - did you see this? - over to the White House to get a briefing on North Korea. The entire Senate. Or as Sean Spicer said, "over a million Senators."

• Himself - Host : At the beginning of the week, the administration was... was all they could talk about. They trumpeted this was "very serious stuff. All the Senators." The memorandum came out of the White House, said "The Senate will be addressed by the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the CIA, the Secretary of Defense, then Rex Tillerson will speak", because there's a first time for everything.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "And then the president will talk." About his ratings on "The Apprentice".

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And Ivanka's new line of strappy sandals.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And the time he won the Electoral College. Cake will be served, it will be the best cake.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "A lot of people are already saying it's the greatest cake in the history of the world." Mental illness is sad, ladies and gentlemen, I think it's... and if you need proof of that, he unveiled the tax plan this week. I don't have time to go into the details; just suffice it to say the wealthiest people in America are finally gonna be catching a break, ladies and gentlemen. Isn't that awesome?

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : It... tax plan? What a charitable word for it. It was *one page* with no math. I'm not kidding.

  [a picture of the tax plan is shown] 

  Himself - Host : That's the tax plan. That's not a tax plan, that's a résumé for a manager at Chuck E. Cheese.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : He... they... you know what they said? They said "Well, it's rough." Rough? I mean, there's rough and then... this is so rough, it needs a safe word.

• Himself - Host : And finally, new rule: liberals have to stop trying to win over Trump voters with facts. You're wasting your breath, and you're going to need it, 'cause the air is not getting any better.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Just look at these hundred-days headlines: "No Regrets. Trump Voters Unanimous", "The Myth of This Disillusioned Trump Voter", "Even Voters in Liberal Massachusetts are Sticking with Trump", "Numbskulls Find Whole New Level of Numb."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : All right, I made that last one up, but the point...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : The point is Trump supporters aren't changing their minds, because the problem isn't in the mind; it's lower. It's emotional. Stop clinging to the false hope that "if we just share this Facebook story about the time that he tried to have lunch with Frederick Douglass or high-five Stevie Wonder, or criticized Obama for playing golf and now he plays more golf!". You're preaching to the yoga studio.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : The jury is in. He looks and acts like a man who's been painting his face with orange lead for forty years.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : His people know, they don't care. He could have Anne Frank's skeleton in his closet.

  [scattered laughs; a deafening silence follows, which leads into a bigger laugh] 

  Himself - Host : They'd all vote for him again.

• Himself - Host : The question is "why?". Why do they stick with him? I think it's because of a gut feeling that the world has changed and they don't like it. And Trump is gonna change it back to the way it was.

  [adopting the accent of a stereotypical Southerner] 

  Himself - Host : "When a real American could flip around looking for a radio station and not have to hear mariachi music."

  [laugher] 

  Himself - Host : The media keeps saying that the thing that got Trump elected was economic anxiety, but it's really more change anxiety. "I ain't no racist! But why does America need to have a black Santa Claus?"

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "Does everybody have to do everything?" Now, I... I think I speak for most liberals when I say I'm okay with black Santa. I don't think it's gonna make the Little Drummer Boy start cutting himself. But to Trump voters, making Santa black is unthinkable. It would be like making Jesus Middle Eastern.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : This is why building that stupid wall is still the key issue for them, because it represents keeping out, not just immigrants, but everything that's new and different and scary and unfamiliar.

• Himself - Host : You guys probably agree with me that it's kind of cool that you can write a musical in hip-hop now, like "Hamilton". And I'm okay with seeing this guy...

  [a picture of Lin-Manuel Miranda is shown] 

  Himself - Host : ...playing this guy.

  [the picture of Miranda is shown side by side with a picture of Alexander Hamilton] 

  Himself - Host : But Trump voters don't want to see that the Founding Fathers have been funkified.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "Ain't Broadway supposed to be the Great *White* Way?"

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "And while we're at it, does everyone in baseball have to be Mexican now?"

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "Lopez, Hernandez, Martinez, Fernandez, Ramirez. When did the Yankees become the parking lot at Home Depot?"

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Panelist : Oh, golly.

  Himself - Host : "And what is with men kissing on the Kiss Cam? And did I mention Bruce Jenner has tits now?"

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : See, that guy - my new character - that guy got used to having the whole country always bend over backwards to make him feel comfortable. Trump voters, they're not exactly racists; they just think everyone who's not white is doing it to show off.

• Himself - Host : You know, in the '50s, if you were an actor named Chiwetel Ejiofor, you placated conservative snowflakes and bent over backwards for them, and changed your name to "Chip Egan."

  [as he talks, pictures of Djimon Honsou, Lupita Nyong'o, Mahershala Ali, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, and Gabourey Sidibe are shown] 

  Himself - Host : "Chip Egan, starring in that new movie with Dan Houston, Lily Nile, Mark Allen, Ginger McGraw, and Gayle Smith."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : If you ask a Trump voter what exactly it means to "get their country back", or "make it great again", they can't tell you specifically. But they know the "Hollywood Squares" was never supposed to be remade on TV and look like this.

  [a clip from the series is shown] 

  Himself - Host : "If we just would build that wall, black people would stay in their cubicles!"

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "Paul Lynde never came out of his cubicle." Or the closet.