- Chloe Decker, Mazikeen: Lucifer!
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Wakes up] Am I dreaming? No, wait, I can't be; you're both dressed.
- Chloe Decker: So, um... it's all... totally gone? The red skin, the devil wings. No more flare-ups?
- Lucifer Morningstar: It's not hemorrhoids, Detective
- Amenadiel: I've made a decision about my son. And even though in my heart, I... I believe it's right, I know it's gonna be painful.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh. Right, that. Well, 79 percent of American boys are circumcised, so you'll be in the majority if you go that way; however, it does reduce sensation by about 32.8 percent, according to Dr. Oz.
- Linda Martin: Forgiving yourself. It's not as easy as you think. It doesn't happen overnight.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, if you were still my therapist, I might listen to you.
- Linda Martin: No, you wouldn't.
- Lucifer Morningstar: The demons in question are Dromos and Squee. Hardly the brightest bulbs in the hellfire chandelier.
- Mazikeen: I hate those two. Especially Squee.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, everyone hates Squee.
- Chloe Decker: You should probably head home, Lucifer. 'Cause no victim, no case.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, very well. I supposed there'll be another murder tomorrow. Fingers crossed.
- Linda Martin: Maybe I should feed him again. Or... or get him another blanket. Or take this blanket off? I mean, how are you supposed to know what temperature babies like when they can't talk?
- Eve: I needed to apologize for... for all of it, and everything I've put you through.
- [sniffles]
- Eve: But I realize... I mean, you're not this perfect guy I made you out to be
- Lucifer Morningstar: You suck at apologies.
- Dromos: Hell has been really bad since you left.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, well, that's a shame, 'cause it was a real vacation destination before.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, enjoy your child. Have him ring me when he's old enough to go to strip clubs.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [Catching Dromos trying to feed Charlie tainted milk] Surely you've heard, breast is best.
- Chloe Decker: Is there anything I need to know about how to fight a demon?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Not really. Just that they are super strong, scary and mean. Like Maze.
- Eve: The Mayan! That's it!
- Chloe Decker: Okay, it's a venue. Rents to concerts, and also, I think, church groups.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Sex, drugs, rock and roll and my dad. That sounds like the oxymoronic venue we're after.
- Dromos: You didn't write, you didn't call. You didn't even send a burnt offering. The-the demons of Hell?
- [whispering]
- Dromos: They need a king.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Very well. Dromos of the Lilim, by the power of Grayskull, blah-de-blah-de-blah-de-blah, I hereby name you King of Hell.
- [Does a vague knighting gezture]
- Lucifer Morningstar: There you go. Throne's all yours.
- Eve: I thought I wanted you, but I realize I've just been missing the person I used to be when I was with you.
- Chloe Decker: How do we find three demons and a baby?
- [a passing cop gives them a look]
- Lucifer Morningstar: Three Demons and a Baby. That's one of my favorite movies.
- [both chuckle awkwardly]
- Lucifer Morningstar: Not as good as the original, though.
- Dromos: Dude was boring. I mean, all he kept saying was: "Prophecy this, prophecy that." "I've got a stupid accent, makes me sound like a pirate. Arr."
- Ella Lopez: I don't think it's right for me to base my faith on whether everything is... good and unicorns and ice cream. I don't think it's God's job to stop the bad. I actually think... He's there to give us the strength to get through it.
- Chloe Decker: Kinley's vial? You kept that?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, I didn't think it was something I could just toss down the drain. I was gonna chuck it out with my spent batteries.
- Dromos: So, there I am, hanging in Hell, popping out eyeballs like any other Tuesday and this priest, he just shows up on my docket.
- Bikini Girl: Is this one of those "priest walks into a bar" jokes? I love them.
- Lucifer Morningstar: The good news is, I think you're right. I think Amenadiel does have the child safe. The bad news is... I think it's my least-favorite place...
- Eve: I killed him... and-and-and then, I... kind of, sort of summoned a demon from Hell into his body?
- Lucifer Morningstar: What?
- Eve: It seemed like a good idea at the time.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Detective, I can't believe I'm saying this, but there are more important things than me right now.
- Dromos: What's so great about Earth anyway?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Well, no offense, but the company's far greater, the work more interesting, and the liquor far superior.
- [Takes a drink]
- Lucifer Morningstar: Mm! And I've just become an uncle and someone needs to teach my nephew about sex, 'cause, well, my brother's certainly not capable.
- Chloe Decker: I'm not afraid of you anymore.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You're not?
- Dromos: You see, this is what I'm talking about. It's so sweet, I'm gonna puke.