Family Guy (TV Series)

Bri, Robot (2019)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Carter Pewderschmidt

Photos 

Quotes 

• [last lines] 

  Lois Griffin : But Peter, there's one thing I still don't get. Why did you take the massage job in the first place?

  Peter Griffin : For you, Lois. I did it to earn enough money to buy a comb for your beautiful hair.

  Lois Griffin : Oh Peter, didn't you know? I *sold* my beautiful hair to buy you a bottle of massage oil.

  Peter Griffin : Great. So now I'm an unemployed masseuse with a bald wife. Merry fucking Christmas!

• Stewie Griffin : All right, Brian, time to get to work on your biography. Now, let's start with an interview. Who would you say is your hero?

  Brian Griffin : Well, I guess maybe Martin Luther King.

  Stewie Griffin : Okay, maybe someone you see every day.

  Brian Griffin : Uh, well, I guess Peter is...

  Stewie Griffin : No, no, no. Li-Like somebody younger. Li-Like younger than you, even. Like that... like that kind of hero.

  Brian Griffin : Well, I guess Meg and Chris.

  Stewie Griffin : Let's take Meg and Chris as a given. Anyone else you maybe look up to?

  Brian Griffin : I guess Lois...

  Stewie Griffin : We did say younger, did we not?

  Brian Griffin : Well, uh, I guess that leaves... you.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, boy, embarrassing. That backfired, didn't it? So, I-I should put me, then?

  Brian Griffin : Yes, fine.

  Stewie Griffin : Now, another important part of any book: the dedication. It's not uncommon for an author to dedicate his book to his hero, who you have listed as...

  [checking and chuckling] 

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, no, this is... oh, this is embarrassing.

  [on a checklist, he checks off "Steal scene from The Office", then moves down to "Gratuitously slam Allison Janney"] 

  Stewie Griffin : We already did this. I got some free time.

• Robot Brian : So, what was Brittany Babbit like?

  Brian Griffin : Oh, you know, at Applebee's, she's all like, "Hi, may I take your order?" and at her bedroom window, she's all like, "Ah, get out of here. How'd you find my apartment?"

  Robot Brian : Tale of two Brittanys, huh?

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, I mean, if you don't want me showing up at your house, don't put a smiley face on my receipt.

  Robot Brian : [like a lawyer in court]  Uh, Your Honor, the defense rests.

  Brian Griffin : See, you get it.

• Glenn Quagmire : [at his new favorite Asian massage parlor]  Peter? What are you doing here?

  Peter Griffin : I work here now.

  Glenn Quagmire : You what? Why would they hire you?

  Peter Griffin : I don't know that they did. Nobody ever picks me, though. Just Bruce. And his towel keeps falling off and he keeps saying "Oops." I dunno, the towels here are very fally-offy.

  Glenn Quagmire : Damn it.

  [leaving] 

  Glenn Quagmire : Goodbye, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : What? Where you goin'?

  Glenn Quagmire : Home. I can't come here anymore, you've made it weird.

  Carter Pewderschmidt : [coming out in a towel]  You have one that looks like snowboarder Chloe Kim? She turned 18, so I can say that out loud now.

• Brian Griffin : Stewie, what about my biography?

  Stewie Griffin : This robot is a living record of you and your history. It knows you and your mannerisms, and it will exist long after you're gone. Brian, in every sense of the term, Robot Brian is your biography. This is how you'll be remembered, forever.

  Robot Brian : Whoa, ass ahoy.

  Stewie Griffin : He says that a lot. He's also got an interchangeable memory bank, an expandable encyclopedia database, and, as a bonus, the new U2 album.

  Brian Griffin : Oh. I don't want the new U2 album.

  Stewie Griffin : You don't get a choice.

• Brian Griffin : Hey, Stewie, which title do you like for the biography, "Barking Up the Right Tree" - you catch that? - or "Are You There, Dog? It's Me, Brian"?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, about that, I was meaning to tell you, your biography is finished.

  Brian Griffin : Already? Wow. Print me up a copy!

  Stewie Griffin : Done, Brian. Look behind you.

  Robot Brian : [turning, he sees Robot Brian]  Whoa, ass ahoy.

  Stewie Griffin : Classic.

  Brian Griffin : Stewie, this isn't a book.

  Stewie Griffin : Brian, it's 2019. We're living in a post-book, Post Raisin Bran society. So enjoy your new robot, and enjoy a bowl of Post Raisin Bran.

  [holding up a bowl] 

  Stewie Griffin : Post Raisin Bran: like Kellogg's, but worse!

• Brian Griffin : Hey, can robots do cocaine?

  Robot Brian : What?

  Brian Griffin : Nothing, I was just, you know.

  [pause] 

  Brian Griffin : Can they *get* cocaine?

• Robot Brian : I got you dropped from jury duty.

  Brian Griffin : Oh, great. What line did you use?

  Robot Brian : "I have read about this exact case..."

  Brian Griffin : That's good.

  Robot Brian : "... on Hotsy-Totsy Nazi.com."

  Brian Griffin : That's not good.

• Brian Griffin : Someday I'll be gone, and it'll be like I was never here at all.

  Meg Griffin : Aw, he is depressed.

  Lois Griffin : Sad little guy.

  Chris Griffin : Let's not project people emotions onto animals.

  Brian Griffin : I just want my story to live on, even after I'm gone. You know, I always did want to write my autobiography.

  Stewie Griffin : Yeah, it's hard to work when you get distracted whenever someone says "What's that?"

  Brian Griffin : [alertly]  What's what?

  Stewie Griffin : You know what? Maybe I can lend you a hand, Brian. I'll help you write your biography.

  Brian Griffin : Really? You-You'd do that?

  Stewie Griffin : Yes. After all, I helped Cleveland with his wardrobe.

  [cut to him watering the front lawn, and Cleveland passes by] 

  Stewie Griffin : Hey, Cleveland, you know I love you, but those jeans, they ain't for you.

  Cleveland Brown : [sadly]  I knew it. I think I just needed to hear it. Thank you, Peter's baby.

  Stewie Griffin : [Joe rolls by wearing a leather vest over his bare chest]  Uh-uh.

  Joe Swanson : [turning around]  Copy that.

• Brian Griffin : Well, thanks, everyone.

  Meg Griffin : What's wrong? You seem a little down.

  Brian Griffin : Nothing, it's just that... I don't know, my... my birthday is just... it's kind of a reminder that I'm now one year closer to death, with nothing to show for my time here.

  Peter Griffin : Can I get a Minion cake for my next birthday?

  Lois Griffin : We'll see, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Like, a real one. Like-like, not you makin' it.

• Tom Tucker : Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, we interview a man who went a whole Hawaiian vacation without giving a "hang loose" sign in a picture, and also didn't do the "lei" joke. You won't believe this incredible story.

  [he's prompted from off-screen] 

  Tom Tucker : Oh, wait, he's a Japanese man? Doesn't speak English. So... so he just didn't know.

• Brian Griffin : So this is a robot version of me?

  Stewie Griffin : Not just a robot "version", Brian. It's like another you, uploaded with your genetic code, your cognitive patterns, and your entire life story.

  Robot Brian : Oh, no, Stewie's time machine broke, and now we are stuck in the history past.

  Brian Griffin : Well, that is one of my catchphrases. I don't talk that robotically, though.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, that'll go away. He will evolve as he gathers more and more data.

  Robot Brian : Fire hydrants, images. Fire hydrants, news. Fire hydrants, near me.

  Brian Griffin : Now what's he doing?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, he's also been uploaded with your Internet search history.

  Robot Brian : Yahoo Answers: Is Anton Yelchin's Jeep for sale?

  Stewie Griffin : Ooh, shame on you, Brian.

  Brian Griffin : It's legitimate memorabilia!

• Joe Swanson : You're all under arrest.

  Peter Griffin : Arrest? For what?

  Joe Swanson : This place is a brothel.

  Peter Griffin : What does that mean?

  Joe Swanson : Your co-workers are engaged in the world's oldest profession.

  Peter Griffin : Lead singer of the Pretenders?

  Joe Swanson : No, Peter. All these women are prostitutes. Cuff 'em, cop with a wife who's taller than him.

  Cop : Uh, my name's Gary.

  Joe Swanson : I'm sorry, I'm bad with names, but I'm good at remembering gigantic wives.

• Robot Brian : Whoa. Ass ohoy.

• Brian Griffin : Have you read my book yet?

  Robot Brian : I'm downloading it right now.

  [pause; tears roll down his cheek] 

  Robot Brian : It's beautiful.

  Brian Griffin : [they start making out]  Yeah, this is, this is fine. This isn't, this is... isn't weird.

• Brian Griffin : Robot Brian, it's so great that you're here. I need a partner for a project I've been working on.

  [cut to them at Harvard] 

  Brian Griffin : But, sir, Dogbook was our idea. It was stolen by Bark Zuckerbark.

  Harvard President : And who are you again?

  Brian Griffin : We're the Barklevoss twins. And... scene. So, what do you think?

  Robot Brian : I think it's great. I have no notes.

  Brian Griffin : It's called "The Barkial Network."

  Robot Brian : How come you didn't call it "Barkbook"?

  Brian Griffin : [chuckling snidely]  I thought you said you didn't have any notes.

• Peter Griffin : Happy birthday, Brian.

  Lois Griffin : We bought you a cake with the groceries, so it got smashed with a jug of Tide in the car.

  Meg Griffin : Open your presents.

  Chris Griffin : Yeah. You got one from Rami Malek, star of "Mr. Robot".

  Brian Griffin : [opening the gift]  Wow, he gave me the dark circles around his eyes.

  Meg Griffin : [as he puts them on]  Aw, cool! Did he also include his dead-soul monotone?

  Brian Griffin : No, I don't... oh, oh, wait hang on.

  [sticking his head in the box, then taking it out] 

  Brian Griffin : [in Malek's monotone]  I didn't see it at first, because it was under some tissue paper.

• Glenn Quagmire : Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

  Peter Griffin : It's about time. Thanks to you, we got leap-frogged by Seamus' foursome.

  Joe Swanson : [seeing Seamus and his friends playing]  Ha. Golf club hands.

  Glenn Quagmire : Hey, could one of you spot me the greens fees? I blew all my money at the massage parlor.

  Peter Griffin : Sheesh, you're sure spending a lot of money at that place. How much you pay one of them masseuses?

  Glenn Quagmire : Eh, 200 bucks.

  Peter Griffin : 200 bucks? That's what I paid for Reading Railroad! What kinda medical benefits do those masseuses get?

  Glenn Quagmire : I think they see the Chinese vet down the street.

  Peter Griffin : Well, that's all the information I need to make a binding vocational choice. Guys, I'm gonna become a professional massage therapist.

  Glenn Quagmire : What?

  Joe Swanson : Are you serious, Peter?

  Peter Griffin : You bet. I could always use some extra cash. Plus, I've handled bigger challenges before. You know, I was once in the Blue Man Group.

  [cut to them ending a performance] 

  Blue Man : [seeing a green stain on the crotch of Peter's pants]  Peter, what's wrong with your paint?

  Peter Griffin : Remember when I asked for a five-minute break?

• Stewie Griffin : Wow there is a lot of computer things that sound dirty.