Family Guy (TV Series)
Bri, Robot (2019)
Patrick Warburton: Joe Swanson
Photos
Quotes
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Brian Griffin : Someday I'll be gone, and it'll be like I was never here at all.
Meg Griffin : Aw, he is depressed.
Lois Griffin : Sad little guy.
Chris Griffin : Let's not project people emotions onto animals.
Brian Griffin : I just want my story to live on, even after I'm gone. You know, I always did want to write my autobiography.
Stewie Griffin : Yeah, it's hard to work when you get distracted whenever someone says "What's that?"
Brian Griffin : [alertly] What's what?
Stewie Griffin : You know what? Maybe I can lend you a hand, Brian. I'll help you write your biography.
Brian Griffin : Really? You-You'd do that?
Stewie Griffin : Yes. After all, I helped Cleveland with his wardrobe.
[cut to him watering the front lawn, and Cleveland passes by]
Stewie Griffin : Hey, Cleveland, you know I love you, but those jeans, they ain't for you.
Cleveland Brown : [sadly] I knew it. I think I just needed to hear it. Thank you, Peter's baby.
Stewie Griffin : [Joe rolls by wearing a leather vest over his bare chest] Uh-uh.
Joe Swanson : [turning around] Copy that.
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Joe Swanson : You're all under arrest.
Peter Griffin : Arrest? For what?
Joe Swanson : This place is a brothel.
Peter Griffin : What does that mean?
Joe Swanson : Your co-workers are engaged in the world's oldest profession.
Peter Griffin : Lead singer of the Pretenders?
Joe Swanson : No, Peter. All these women are prostitutes. Cuff 'em, cop with a wife who's taller than him.
Cop : Uh, my name's Gary.
Joe Swanson : I'm sorry, I'm bad with names, but I'm good at remembering gigantic wives.
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Glenn Quagmire : Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
Peter Griffin : It's about time. Thanks to you, we got leap-frogged by Seamus' foursome.
Joe Swanson : [seeing Seamus and his friends playing] Ha. Golf club hands.
Glenn Quagmire : Hey, could one of you spot me the greens fees? I blew all my money at the massage parlor.
Peter Griffin : Sheesh, you're sure spending a lot of money at that place. How much you pay one of them masseuses?
Glenn Quagmire : Eh, 200 bucks.
Peter Griffin : 200 bucks? That's what I paid for Reading Railroad! What kinda medical benefits do those masseuses get?
Glenn Quagmire : I think they see the Chinese vet down the street.
Peter Griffin : Well, that's all the information I need to make a binding vocational choice. Guys, I'm gonna become a professional massage therapist.
Glenn Quagmire : What?
Joe Swanson : Are you serious, Peter?
Peter Griffin : You bet. I could always use some extra cash. Plus, I've handled bigger challenges before. You know, I was once in the Blue Man Group.
[cut to them ending a performance]
Blue Man : [seeing a green stain on the crotch of Peter's pants] Peter, what's wrong with your paint?
Peter Griffin : Remember when I asked for a five-minute break?