malenko Reviews

Student Bodies (1981)

This movie changed my life!

[9/10 · 20 July 1999]

Good lord, good lord! There I was at 3 in the morning, flipping through the channels and !!WAZOO!!, I came upon Student Bodies. I was almost instantly mesmerized by the movie, and since then I've watched it many times. This may seem like a normal slasher movie spoof, but it's really so much more. There's the crazy shop teacher with his fetish for "horse head bookends", Malvert, the giant janitor, and of course our wheezing, rubber boot wearing killer. This movie kills me each time I see it. It is stupendous beyond all comprehension. Keep your eyes open for a message from the producer of the movie about halfway through the movie itself. On top of all the other greatness found within this movie, there is also the fact that it was partially financed by Dr Pepper(the #1 soft drink in my house). This is all too apparent when viewing the many overt product placement scenes. For the love of God, let this movie be your dog!

Deep Rising (1998)

Holy cannolis!what a movie!

[10/10 · 21 January 1999]

Deep Rising is a big budget b-horror movie. It is marvelous. The monster is good, the femme fatale is great, the hero, our man, treat williams(A GOD AMONG MEN!) is stupendous, and don't forget half-eaten billy and the rest of the stereotypical character filled cast. How you can make such a good b-movie on a large budget is beyond me, but it works here. treat delivers classic line upon classic line while running about the ship with his ragamuffin gang. This movie is the posiedon adventure meets crap, and the outcome is a masterpiece. buy,rent,steal this movie,just get your hands on it! also look up treat williams! the man is a special actor who delivers pivotal movie lines like no one else.the deep will continue to rise.

Evilspeak (1981)

a starring role for clint howard!need i say more?

[8/10 · 29 December 1998]

clint howard's 1st starring film role,and what a doosy it is!clint,first off let me tell you,is one of the world's finest living actors,and in this movie he lives up to all the hype.clint plays cooper smith who is a computer geek who gets teased and whatnot,until one day he summons the devil,he gets powers,a sword,and wild boars and he wreaks vengeance upon his tormentors.clint makes the movie,without it the film is brutally horrendous,so thanks go out to good old clint,may he gain many more starring roles!watch this film only if you are a clint howard-phile.

Phantom Brother (1988)

An awful,awful piece of trash

[1/10 · 28 December 1998]

Phantom Brother is disgusting. Truly one of the worst movies ever made. It seems to me that this movie was filmed on a camcorder, due to the relentlessly horrid quality of the film, but perhaps I am wrong. No matter though this movie is disgusting. A man is living in a house in the woods, with three supposed phantasms. One is a nurse, the second a girl scout, and the third his Phantom Brother. Lord have mercy on the makers of this movie's souls. There is a family of hillbilllies looking for money, some people try to make a porno in the house in the woods, most of them end up dying bloodless deaths. The lack of any effects in this movie is horrible.

Twin Peaks (1990–1991)

it's like a soap opera, except it's good

[28 December 1998]

A marvelous series this is, and the pilot is no exception.You've got suspense, great dialogue and some very smart scares plus a great cast of insane characters, how can you go wrong? Kyle Maclachlan is great as Agent Cooper, offering up some of the most interesting one-liners ever heard. Lynch brings his well known film wackiness to this series, and nothing is lost in the transition. He uses a few interesting filling techniques and surrounds the characters in his trademark inexplicable scenery. Look out for the deer head that "just" fell off of the wall, and the curious hi-jinx of the midget sequence. This is some of Lynch's best work.

Thrashin' (1986)

Skateboarding,Gangs,Breakdancing,you name it, this movie's got it.

[10/10 · 28 December 1998]

Josh Brolin from The Goonies makes a great skateboarding hero. This movie is filled with great styles and great fads from the time period, not to mention great music, including The Circle Jerks and The Red Hot Chili Peppers who perform in the movie. It's a classic story of good guy falls for bad guy's sister. Bad guy and good guy fight, and finally bad guy and good guy unite after good guy beats bad guy in a skateboarding race. This movie seems very comical watching it in present day, but it actually serves as a time capsule for the 80's. There are many great skateboarding tricks displayed, and many other great scenes including: a skateboarder riding into the side of a truck, and watch carefully (and rewind to watch over and over again) the hilarious scene where the young kid in the sunglasses shouts out "NO, you be there!", pure genious.

Horror House on Highway Five (1985)

Wild and wacky horror at its finest.

[10/10 · 28 December 1998]

Take some college students, put them in a van, throw in a killer in a Richard Nixon mask and BANG! you've got an instant classic. The plot includes Nazis,rape,mysterious rooms, and that's about it. But this is what makes the film great, it's total ineptness at everything, from creating suspense to scaring the viewer. And the glue that holds the whole film together is the most whacked out, ludicrously insane soundtrack in movie history. If you don't want to watch the movie(which I could understand, but you'll miss out on some wonderful chase scenes involving President Nixon)just put the movie in your VCR, close your eyes and listen to the jarring sounds of Horror House On Highway Five. Also make sure not to miss one of the least satisfying and sensible endings in movie history.