A.Fish Reviews

Samurai Shodown: The Motion Picture (1994 TV Movie)

Just try to sit through this stinker

[3/10 · 3 May 1999]

With any genre of film, you always have to wade through a lot of garbage before finding any gems. Samurai Showdown is this garbage. Anyone expecting a movie along the lines of Ninja Scroll will be very disappointed. The animation is the weakest "Amerime" (I guess they didn't want to make it too sophisticated for us Yankees), it looks like your typical Saturday morning fare. The characters are not developed, the plot is nonexistent, and the lead protagonist Hamaru is a jerk that no one could relate to or empathize with. Not to mention there is no explanation as to how different warriors from South America, France, San Francisco and China all managed to convene in Japan at exactly the same time after maybe two cuts. What is a sword wielding warrior doing in San Francisco during the time of feudal Japan? San Francisco had not even been reached by the Spaniards during the time of feudal Japan, so what is a Caucasian doing there?! Plot holes aplenty. The only interesting character is the big villain Earthquake, the rest are just props. By the way, what kind of man names his pet husky "Puppy"?

Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah (1991)

Why can't a giant green gorilla/whale and a three headed cyborg stardragon get along?

[13 March 1999]

Ghidorah just won't die. This is the fourth of fifth flick he's shown up in, and somehow the Big G never has the nerve to off the three-headed two-tailed no-armed winged space dragon. Here's the deal. People from el futuro arrive to tell us that G will destroy Japan if he isn't gotten rid of soon. You think the Japanese would be a little jaded about it at this point, but of course they get scared and help the Futurians go back in time to kill the Godzillazaurus in 1944, before the atomic bomb tests could mutate into G. Mission accomplished, but instead, when the people come back to '91, King Ghidorah's running the show due to Futurian treachery. Now Japan nukes the slumbering Godzilla (although wouldn't he be nonexistent after having been retro-murdered in '44?) Godzilla beats Ghidorah. Godzilla runs amuck. Japanese enlist Ghidorah to smash G. Ghidorah runs amuck. Now the Big G has to whomp Godzilla, I think, all these twists get me confused. Ghidorah comes back as Mecha King Ghidorah and both fall into ocean or some other convenient device. Favorite line has to be American naval officer after watching Godzillasaurus perish: "Take that, you dinosaur!"

Godzilla and Mothra: The Battle for Earth (1992)

Godzilla fights double the bug without the help of Deep Woods Off

[8 March 1999]

Number four in the second Godzilla wave. Big G tangles with two super insects, Mothra and Battra (Black Mothra). Excellent fight scenes when G takes on the two moth larva in the ocean and later when he fights the grown up versions in an amusement park. Overall good, but the movie could do without the Indiana Jones rip off character. Mothra's egg looks like a giant Easter egg, it's even got a swirl pattern to it. Otherwise cool FX, although in one part pieces of a collapsing building actually fall through people. Godzilla and Battra plunge into the ocean at the end, Mothra is victorious. I guess it never occurs to the military that they could get rid off the rampaging moths by lighting a 600-ft. candle.

Hard Boiled (1992)

Hong Kong hellraising with hardcore heater hijinx

[10/10 · 25 February 1999]

If you are only familiar with Woo's Hollywood films like Broken Arrow and Face/Off, step into the world of real Woo mayhem with Hard Boiled. The gunfights are lyrical, poetic; the characters perform the most acrobatic of moves as they dive, jump, shoot, slide, die, roll, and all sorts of other manuevers that will have even the most jaded of actions fans riveted. A must for any one who likes the work of Tarantino, Peckinpah, and Lam. Look out for: Baby pee puts out Chow Yun's flaming pants, Handguns hidden inside the bases of birdcages, and good guys Tequila and Alan taking on an entire hospital building full of baddies.

Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989)

Rosebud, rosebud...

[24 February 1999]

Installment number two in the "second wave" of Godzilla flicks. In this one, Godzilla looks like he should; no slime green slick latex suit with a big butt and humongous baby eyes. Instead, he looks more sleek and dragon-like, and his face reminds me of ancient Japanese paintings of oni, or demons. G takes on what first is a giant rosebush which has been exposed to Godzilla cells, mutating it. The bush then evolves into a huge tentacled monster with long jaws, whose size dwarfs Gojiro. Pointless subplot about a professional killer hired by some made-up country to steal Godzilla cells. Be sure to look for the Supaa X flying craft which is sent out by the army to stop Godzilla with its powerful "fire mirror" made of "synthetic diamonds".

Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1974)

Godzilla is introduced to heavy metal by way of cyborg doppelganger

[24 February 1999]

In this little doozy, Godzilla goes up against Mechagodzilla, a monster with a long name and made of space titanium. Godzilla teams up with King Seesar, a furry guy who likes quiet evenings at home until he is woken up by singing. MechaG is the evil aliens' world conquering device. By the way, the aliens in their true form look like Japanese actors with green ape masks on. Big budget fun. King Seesar is called upon to protect his home Okinawa and make sure Mr.Miyagi's parents survive so he can grow up to teach Daniel-San. All I can say is if this is Okinawa's best defense, that island is screwed. Godzilla eventually beats MechaG by drawing him to his body magnetically (along with some electrical towers) and ripping his head off. Anguirus is in it too, but who cares? Note: this is one of the films where Godzilla squirts blood likes he's in a Peckinpah flick.

Ebirah, Horror of the Deep (1966)

To be appreciated by only the most hardcore of Gojiro fans

[24 February 1999]

There are serious Godzilla movies and silly Godzilla movies. Then there are just stupid ones, like this one. Godzilla fights a giant lobster of all things, the weakest baddie the Big Green has ever tangled with. Instead of aliens trying to take over the Earth, this time it's some sort of revolutionary faction which uses an island for a base and employs Ebirah to keep snoopers away. The word Mosura's in the title, but I don't ever remember seeing Mothra. Needless to say, Big G whips this lame crustacean then proceeds to stomp the villains' headquarters flat. Watch at your own risk.