vlad1917 Reviews

Street Fighter (1994)

oh man

[11 February 2000]

nine years ago, we used to form lines to play street fighter two. it was extremely popular. i was pretty good at it.

when the movie came out several years later, i was one of the six people to see it in the theater. a classic example of 'too little too late.' unfortunately, this film was more TOO LITTLE than too late. stupid, predictable, and almost insultingly retarded.

however, if this movie were made in the 80's, it would been considered......uh nevermind it still would have sucked.

JCVD should have retired 9 years ago.

Twin Dragons (1992)

too much slapstick, not enough kung fu

[1/10 · 11 November 1999]

there's a gag in this movie that's utterly stupid. it happens near the end when it's discovered boomer has a twin...john ma runs past onlookers, then boomer follows him. the onlookers faint, apparently in shock over seeing identical twins. they decided it would be funny if they repeated this gag. SIX TIMES. there are SEVEN occasions when people faint after seeing twins, which wasn't funny the first time. lots of people get hit over the head in this movie, but it's not thugs, it's the audience with lame chinese jokes.

The Fear (1995)

overlooked and underrated

[10/10 · 27 September 1999]

this movie far excels over typical horror movies, as it a.) making at least some attempts to bring depth and reason to a monster killing people...morty scares people until they can face their fears, based on pseudo-psychological reasons; and b.) morty is pretty scary. both of those can't be said about some guy in a hockey mask.

because the human characters are so damn annoying, morty is truly the star of the show. the makeup is great (it lost the 1995 academy award to ed wood. why, i have no idea) and really is scary-looking...i was scared of statues and dolls when i was a kid, so morty struck a cord in me...when they were telling morty their fears, i was saying "im scared of YOU, morty!" it took me a couple minutes to realize morty was a human in makeup and not a real statue.

the diametric/matricide thing completely blindsided me. it made sense and was less predicable than "redrum/murder" from the shining.

yeah, there's plenty of things wrong with this movie, most of which was fully and long-windedly explained already, but no one noticed (or mentioned) the terrible soundtrack errors, especially with the guy with the dreadlocks. the last word of every other sentence he says is accidentally looped and repeated..."I can't believe you're really my mother, my mother!"

nonetheless it's top-rate. i just wish there was more morty. viva morty! cheers to the wooden soccer-ball retriever!

Virus (1999)

what a rip-off

[10 September 1999]

this is one of the least original thriller/horror movies of the decade. every element is borrowed from another movie, with the Borg from star trek being the most obvious (bulletproof cyborgs from terminator 2 and the being-trapped-in-a-spaceship/boat-oh-so-popular-aliens premise being another.) from the very beginning, you which characters will be picked off and who the two survivors will be, but unfortunately, you have to wait for each one to be picked off one by one.

and to make things worse, donald sutherland fakes an irish accent! terrible!

The Infiltrator (1995 TV Movie)

Completely Unbelievable

[7/10 · 10 September 1999]

An interesting premise is ruined by the distraction of Oliver Platt's ethnicity. I'm not sure what Yaron Svoray really looks like, but there is NO WAY platt, in real life, could trick dozens of skinheads (which is highly unlikely in the first place) into letting him infiltrate the highest commands of neo-nazism just cause he's a nice guy!?

You think the KKK would allow Denzel Washington to join ranks?

My skepticism suggests though Yaron may have infiltrated a few skinhead gangs, the frolicking with elder Nazis and "kissing the lips of Hitler" bit was added for theatrical, aggrandizing purposes. I don't believe it.

Happiness (1998)

yes!!!!

[10/10 · 8 September 1999]

finally! a balzy film with unapologetic black humor, perversion, and depravity. it's like a live-action robert crumb strip, as there are *no heros,* standard or anti-. no, you can't sympathize with the characters...you're not supposed to.

there are no corny morals to be learned, and more importantly, no redemption...which certainly puts it in the league with A Clockwork Orange.

Hollywood Boulevard (1976)

utter sleaze

[7 September 1999]

A young, pretty girl moves to California to become a movie star. Instead she has trouble breaking in and winds up doing bad b-movies. You know what this is? A porno without the porn. It's an hour and a half of the between-the-sex-scenes dialogue in porn flicks -and equally as funny- but not funny enough for this movie to stand on its own.

Switchblade Sisters (1975)

holy crap

[1/10 · 7 September 1999]

well, this is it. i thought i've seen everything. but then this comes along and makes me fill my pants cause it's so fricken hilarious. the movie is easily watchable (until the fight scene with the black panthers, i didn't get that part) and is truly beyond wacky. doughnut is my favorite dagger deb cause it's played by kitty bruce, lenny's daughter. the viewer must ask himself..."is this movie trash, or is it...no wait nevermind, it's trash."

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

brilliant!

[10/10 · 27 August 1999]

i can't think of a funnier movie...and one of the few movies i can tolerate to see more than twice. unforgettable (and ever-quotable) gags: "blue, no...ahhh!" and "it's only a model" and "i told em we already got one!" and "run away!!" and the list goes on...and one of the most brilliant, unexpected endings in film history! a better ending than The Usual Suspects and 6th Sense! Kayser Soze has nothing on John Cleese!

Reefer Madness (1936)

over-hyped

[1/10 · 24 August 1999]

with all the hype this movie has gotten over the years, you'd expect it to be a zany laugh riot...but it's not THAT funny (except the finale.) i think there may be an emperors-new-clothes syndrome with this flick, everybody expects it to be so utterly wacky that i'll be worth watching...but it's boring.

oh yeah...interesting...this movie was made when marijuana was legal in the usa.

The Sixth Sense (1999)

YOWZA!!!

[10/10 · 23 August 1999]

this movie has the best surprise ending since we found out who kayser soze was...i had no idea. someone's gonna ruin it by posting here. there's only a few real scary shockers in the movie, but they had us almost jumping out of our seats...they dont overplay or explain the background of the dead people either, so it's nice to see a NON-CORNY horror movie for once.

The Last Broadcast (1998)

not even close

[1/10 · 16 August 1999]

there isn't a chance in hell this movie is believable...i dont care if the blair witch was a rip-off, this film is so bad it's almost a parody or a spoof of blair witch.

haxan did it the right way.

The Doom Generation (1995)

really, really bad

[1/10 · 16 August 1999]

this is one of those movies targeted towards pseudo-goth teenieboppers who think they know about film...and it gives them their own little cult flick so they can say anyone who doesn't like this movie "doesn't get it." i got it, and it sucked. the most pretentious movie ever made.

Nothing Personal (1995)

awkward

[4/10 · 11 August 1999]

being a NI supporter, it's hard to objectively review a movie glorifying ulster nationalists. characters who are hard to root for, typical heavy-handed anti-violence messages, and a predictable 'poetic justice' ending makes this an awkward watch...

The Blob (1988)

it's a spoof, dummy

[10/10 · 10 August 1999]

a lot of people didn't like this film cause they thought it was supposed to be a legit horror movie...but it isn't. it's a spoof of cornball cheesey scary flicks from the 50's, and even spoof's 80's remakes of horror movies by adding a dumb rebel teenager on a motorbike...intentional cliches. it's funny!

Can't Hardly Wait (1998)

forgettable

[1/10 · 9 August 1999]

in twenty years, people will mention this movie, and people will say 'what?' and 'umm haven't heard of it' or 'uhhhh nope.'

every character in this movie is annoying except clea duvall, and we dont get to see enough of her. i wish the trench coat mafia had been students at this school so they could wipe out these irritating geeks. i couldn't hardly wait for this movie to be over.

Airheads (1994)

lemmy is god

[7/10 · 9 August 1999]

the jokes aren't not that funny, the movie's kinda dumb, but it's worth checking out just for lemmy's cameo. "i used to be editor of the school paper!"

"trick question, lemmy IS god."

Child's Play 3 (1991)

worst of the series

[6 August 1999]

i like the child's play movies and all, but this one should be erased...some get the sequels confused a lot, but most people refer to CP3 as "the one in the military school...that one sucked!" boring and almost agony to watch. except the part where the dork gets blown up by a grenade. that part was cool.

Cabin Boy (1994)

these pipes...are CLEEEAAN!!

[10/10 · 4 August 1999]

20 years from now, when the film critics compile their lists of cult classics from the 1990s, cabin boy will be on the top. it's irreverent, unpredictable, funny, original, and stupid. david letterman's role is not worth renting this movie, but chris elliot's bizarre humor is. do yourself a favor, rent this movie and lighten up.

Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (1991)

pretty cool

[5/10 · 30 July 1999]

it's not one of the greatest action flicks of all time, mainly because the action sequences are lame. bulletproof baldwins? but mickey rourke gives a pretty good low-key performance and his tough-guy attitude is believable...and the fat biker is cool.

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

i was cured all right

[10/10 · 30 July 1999]

the problem people have with this movie is their either looking for a glorification of violence, or an apology for one. this film delivers neither.

some of the scenes in this movie are far more violent than any action-packed rambo movie, but only two people die throughout the film...it's the intensity of the violence that makes people say "ick."

the intensity and the awkward ambiguity...alex is the definitive anti-hero - should we root for him or not? this dialectic confusion is common in kubrick's works: killer's kiss, eyes wide shut, fear and desire...and a clockwork orange.

i for one am very glad kubrick left out the 21st chapter, which was a cop-out and distorts the meaning of the book...this is it's pure form.

Freebird: The Movie (1996)

cool movie for a great band

[10/10 · 26 July 1999]

what i like about this movie is when it ends: it doesn't continue documenting the band after the plane crash. it also contains probably the best performance of 'freebird' i've ever seen...which alone is worth seeing this movie for. even non-fans can appreciate this.

Aces: Iron Eagle III (1992)

what?!?!?!

[1/10 · 23 July 1999]

did the writers of this movie think we're idiots? vintage world war two p-51 mustangs outflying and outgunning mig jets?!?! hell, why not take on the army in a biplane next. no wait...we can defeat the entire soviet air force by using only paper airplanes...

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

utter horror

[10/10 · 22 July 1999]

i saw this movie as a focus group in april...and i still haven't recovered. scariest movie of all time. hands down. i dont even like scary movies cause their never scary. i've seen cannibal holocaust, i've seen exorcist...those PALE.