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Reviews
Harper's Island (2009)
Stupidity all around
Another show with unbelievably stupid characters. Some very poor acting also. The groom to be was very unconvincing with a fake smile. The plot was totally unbelievable too. Given the final purpose of the killings - there was not justification for many of the murders.
Some of the more sincere characters were killed off. That did not help at all. I really wished the part creepy and part retarded little girl got killed off. And if the Killer cannot kill her - I hoped in a bizarre plot twist the director/writer will have Boko Haram kidnap her permanently. She was so annoying and stupid - every scene with her in it was painful to watch.
No idea how shows like this get 7.5 in IMDb.
Abduction (2009)
Really bad
OK .. watched this on netflix last night - so did not have to spend extra money on this junk.
Made with little budget and devoid of any production value, the movie goes on for a little under two hours, often without purpose and always with poor acting.
In fact the acting is so bad, that it is worse than a porn movie.
The director tried to spice things up with some T&A. But the scenes had no real sex appeal as the women's faces were mostly covered in a hood. Actually not sure if the hood thing was a blessing in disguise. Most of the women who showed skin in this flick were by and large unattractive.
An earlier review mentioned that this is John Orrichio's best film. That may very well be.
But that speaks volumes of John Orrichio's other efforts.
Deja Vu (2006)
Moronic (Spoilers)
This film starts well but descends into a mess of sci-fi nonsense pretty soon. Set in post Katrina New Orleans, US scientists have apparently managed to create worm holes and have warped space time fabric so much as to go back to past and even alter it. Yeah - right! Let them build better levees first.
Anyway once you are on a slippery slope there is no turning back. Denzel and his merry men start going into the past and altering it. First it is a note that is sent through something that seems like a nuclear powered microwave. Then comes an even more moronic trip on a hummer with a space age goggle that looks at the past. Everything comes to a head when Denzel himself goes into the microwave to be teleported back to the past. But he only had to wear undies. Not even shoes for some "scientific" reason.
The movie continues its downward spiral with Denzel falling in love, managing to alter the past (of course), dying and coming back again and making sure that the initial explosion never took place. All the children and families are alive ... thanks to this incredible machine that can now change the past. Hey - maybe in a sequel (god forbid) they will improve the machine enough to undo 9-11 or Katrina or even maybe WWII.
The whole movie is just an insult to intelligence of the viewer.
Jai Mahabharat (2001)
Terrible mess
This remake of the epic sucked big time. Compared to B.R Chopra's Mahabharat , this one was awful. While the earlier one had bad special effects and other faults, this one featured bad acting, bad dialog and worse special effects (if that was possible).
The special effects look so low quality Cgi that it looks like a Prince of Persia video game. The war sequences are worse. The sky remains yellow and the background (with standing soldiers) looks like (and probably is) a oil painting.
The director didn't follow the real Source also. Major characters were omitted and the story modified at will. The terrible acting/overacting by the actors made matters worse. Bhisma's overacting was intolerable. Karna wore a permanent wooden expression. Duryadhan , Yudhistir et al were also insufferable. Krishna carried a flute always for no apparent reason (He used it in his youth only when he was a cowherd) The ladies do not age here. Gandhari, Kunti look very young even when at the time of the war. (They were supposed to be over 100 yrs old)
The dialog was also bad. Part of it was copied from the B.R Chopra version. Except it was delivered in a worse way (slow and laborious) Also Balaram calling the fight between Bheem and Duryadhan - "the last fight of mahabharat" is funny. (Balaram of course didn't know that Vedvyas was going to call this story Mahabharat!)
All in all this is a terrible mess. The director should take a course on film direction asap. And the actors should go back to acting school. Also an apology to all Indians in is order - for insulting the great epic in this manner.
Contagion (2002)
Terrible movie
Wasted an afternoon seeing this on TV. The plot is not believable - hitting the President (who looks somewhat like Al Gore ) with a contaminated dart in order to blackmail. Then suddenly this general guy comes from nowhere. And this doctor who looks pretty hot gets accosted by secret service agents. Things get from bad to worse actually. An evil looking doctor turns out to be the real villain. And then comes a rather irritating talkative boy (where do they get these brats). Overall this whole mess is compounded by some bad acting and bad dialog. Towards the end the bomb thing (and the countdown to the explosion) finally pushes the movie from just a bad movie - to a "so bad it is actually funny" movie.
The Stepford Wives (2004)
Terrible stuff
Saw it on DVD. Absolutely terrible. Only consolation is, I returned it within 24 hours and got a dollar back from Hollywood video.
What was the director thinking?? Or was he thinking at all? One moment the women are clearly machines as in the ATM scene [A deleted scene with Midler shows her converting her hands to Vacuum cleaners etc].. and in the end they just have nanochips implanted and that code can be deleted making them normal again. And someone just does that. Ha Ha Ha. Talk of computer systems security :-)
I think the director (if you can call him that) is mainly to blame for this disaster. The dialog is moronic and the ending even more so.
Absolute trash. See the original instead.
Helen of Troy (2003)
Horribly inaccurate
Rape of Mythology.
Helen of Troy was nothing short of rape of Homer's Iliad and other sources.
Cassandra was portrayed as having the gift of seeing the future as a child. According to the myths she got it from Apollo when she agreed to be his lover. However she later spurned him and so she was cursed that no one will believe her. So according to the writer, Apollo lusted after a five year old child :)
Helen walking nude was good viewing but has no truth. But then again, in the end all one will remember from this TV movie are shots of Sienna Guillory's perfect ass ...
The whole thing about Achilles is absolutely scandalous .. Despite his great strength Achilles actually wanted to avoid battle .. In fact he argued with Agamemnon over a slave girl and stopped fighting .. So the greeks started losing ground ... Here he is portrayed as a retarded warrior. An insult to the greatest Greek warrior since Hercules.
Then after much pleading Achilles sent Patroclus to fight for him in his armour ... The TV movie portrayed Achilles as a monster wearing no armour .. Another falsehood .. Achilles in fact had his new armour built by the god Hephaestus ...
There is no mention of Patroclus here ... And Paris is shown as a great fighter - He was not .. Troy actually relied solely on Hector's capabilities... Here Hector was not portrayed as the great hero he was...
Hector's defeat and slaying of Patroclus finally aroused Achilles' anger and he took his revenge over Hector in a fair fight (not like the one in the TV)... The TV confrontation of Achilles and Hector was sheer stupidity.
Achilles returned Hector's body .. something the writer of the TV movie forgot ...
Achilles was later killed by Paris's arrow which struck his heel but not like the way in showed on the movie ... And the whole myth of his vulnerable heel was left unexplained. Maybe the writer didnt know himself.
Whatever happened to the great Ajax ... his great battle with Hector .. and his subsequent suicide ..
Paris was killed by the famous archer Philoctetes who owned the bow and arrow of Hercules ... But obviously that was too complicated for this piece of TV crap.
In the movie they showed Clytemnestra in Troy - rubbish. She killed Agamemnon once he had returned. There is absolutely no truth that Agamemnon raped Helen as is shown ... The acting was all wooden .. wasting good actors in a ridiculous adaptation...
Hardly any part of the trojan war was touched upon .. And those parts touched were displayed with breathtaking lack of accuracy. Who do the director/writer think they are ? Homer? Virgil ?
Only if one is completely ignorant of Greek myths, one can tolerate this piece of nonsense. Rating it one out of ten is being generous.
The Blair Witch Project (1999)
Nauseating
Scary ? ha ha ha. This movie somehow generated hype, probably because it was offbeat. That is all that can be said about it. The frenzied and jittery camera movements (to simulate a documentary) creates a certain sickening effect. The characters are moronic, the realization is ineffective, the storyline is nonexistent and the overall effect is just intolerable. Just because a movie is offbeat does not make it good. If you ignore budget considerations, this movie tops Wild Wild West in the list of this summer's lemons. At least you don't feel like throwing up (sleepy maybe) after sitting through WWW.