Wonderful concept (man films man sneezing) gets bogged in melodramatic Hollywood sentimentality by a director clearly overexceeding himself. The film redeems itself however, with a wonderful performance by Fred Ott. Good, but not great. 7/10.
Reviews
33 Reviews
The Mighty Hercules
(I) (1963–1966)
A Lesson In Shoestring-Budget Cartooning
9 April 2001
The Greatest Cartoon You'll Never, Ever See Again. On Earth. Period.
"The Mighty Hercules" is a bygone animated classic, the likes of which are just not made today. With "Rocket Robin Hood" and "The Amazing Spider-Man", "Hercules" created a mighty trifecta of cartoon delights for the Gen-X set.
I mean, damn. Come on. You gotta know what I mean here.
"Hercules" was one of countless shoestring-budget cartoon creations to appear on the Saturday morning scene in the 70s and 80s. And while the show's original run existed in the Mighty Sixties, its true essence revealed itself through rerun after jaw-dropping rerun. And just how cheap was this program?
In one episode, Herc's nemesis, the conniving wizard Daedelus, gains control of a deadly flying dragon and instructs it to destroy Hercules. Out of the sky it spirals towards Herc, who runs headlong into battle...behind a giant rock. No fooling. The entire tussle takes place behind this rock. Now that's thrifty cartooning.
That aside, "Hercules" did boast some cool and laugh-inducing characters and scenes, like the aforementioned Daedelus, quite possibly one of animation's most heinous individuals. With squinted, shifty eyes, a black cloak, little pointy slippers and a handlebar mustache of handlebar mustaches, Daedelus and his equally shifty feline, Dido, attempt dastardly deeds on what seems a daily basis. Occasionally the Mask Of Vulcan would appear. This hombre was pretty much a Daedelus clone with a janitor's pail on his head who was invincible so long as he wore it -- so when he showed up Herc would somehow have to get it off with a tree branch. Then there was Willimene, who essentially was a chick-Daedelus. She had a parrot and spent much of her time beating on Herc's maiden, Helena.
But really, when dissecting "Hercules", one has to go no further than the sidekicks. Herc receives help in the form of Newton, a knock-kneed bumbling centaur with slight homosexual tendencies (and more than an inspiration for "The Simpsons" Waylon Smithers), and also Toot, a spritely sort of two-legged version of Newton who can only express himself through a piccolo. And speaking of cheap and careless cartoon-making, watch out for the one where Newton's voice changes mid-episode. This blatant disregard for quality and continuity may mark this program as, well, amateur...but in the spirit of kitsch and pop-culture, it's probably what puts "The Mighty Hercules" over the top as one of TV's true diamonds in the rough.
Oh yeah, and a theme song for the ages. Absolutely kickass.
"The Mighty Hercules" is a bygone animated classic, the likes of which are just not made today. With "Rocket Robin Hood" and "The Amazing Spider-Man", "Hercules" created a mighty trifecta of cartoon delights for the Gen-X set.
I mean, damn. Come on. You gotta know what I mean here.
"Hercules" was one of countless shoestring-budget cartoon creations to appear on the Saturday morning scene in the 70s and 80s. And while the show's original run existed in the Mighty Sixties, its true essence revealed itself through rerun after jaw-dropping rerun. And just how cheap was this program?
In one episode, Herc's nemesis, the conniving wizard Daedelus, gains control of a deadly flying dragon and instructs it to destroy Hercules. Out of the sky it spirals towards Herc, who runs headlong into battle...behind a giant rock. No fooling. The entire tussle takes place behind this rock. Now that's thrifty cartooning.
That aside, "Hercules" did boast some cool and laugh-inducing characters and scenes, like the aforementioned Daedelus, quite possibly one of animation's most heinous individuals. With squinted, shifty eyes, a black cloak, little pointy slippers and a handlebar mustache of handlebar mustaches, Daedelus and his equally shifty feline, Dido, attempt dastardly deeds on what seems a daily basis. Occasionally the Mask Of Vulcan would appear. This hombre was pretty much a Daedelus clone with a janitor's pail on his head who was invincible so long as he wore it -- so when he showed up Herc would somehow have to get it off with a tree branch. Then there was Willimene, who essentially was a chick-Daedelus. She had a parrot and spent much of her time beating on Herc's maiden, Helena.
But really, when dissecting "Hercules", one has to go no further than the sidekicks. Herc receives help in the form of Newton, a knock-kneed bumbling centaur with slight homosexual tendencies (and more than an inspiration for "The Simpsons" Waylon Smithers), and also Toot, a spritely sort of two-legged version of Newton who can only express himself through a piccolo. And speaking of cheap and careless cartoon-making, watch out for the one where Newton's voice changes mid-episode. This blatant disregard for quality and continuity may mark this program as, well, amateur...but in the spirit of kitsch and pop-culture, it's probably what puts "The Mighty Hercules" over the top as one of TV's true diamonds in the rough.
Oh yeah, and a theme song for the ages. Absolutely kickass.
3000 Miles to Graceland
(2001)
This Ice-T's For You
26 February 2001
Warning: Spoilers
Taking the road less traveled, here is a brief synopsis on what can arguably be called rapper-cum-actor Ice-T's greatest role to date. True, glancing at the cast of "3000 Miles to Graceland", the average Ice-T fan might be put off that his hero is so low in the billing. Then perusing through the film, the Ice-T fan might begin to wonder whether his hero's scenes were left on the editing room floor. At least, that's the impression one gets.
While it seems at other theaters, the dominant question was aimed at the movie's scripting and casting capabilities. At my local movie-house however, I did not let the movie get away so easily, having nearly reached the ending without revealing its unique hidden talent Ice-T waiting for his turn to shine.
SPOILER!
Ice-T's character is named 'Hamilton'. He is a...
SPOILER! ...weapons specialist.
And as such, Hamilton is called in to bolster evil-Elvis Murphy's (Kevin Costner, in his finest role I might add, since playing the stiff in "The Big Chill") team in the big climactic shootout versus the Feds in a dark, theatrically-lit industrial warehouse. The result is spectacular. But Ice-T's contribution to this movie start earlier, and can be broken down into three main parts, or 'acts'.
Act I: The Introduction to Hamilton -- Upon arrival at the warehouse, Murphy states to fellow crony Howie Long ("Firestorm", the "NFL") that they need more firepower. Cue Ice-T, who Long boasts 'is a couple of guys (in one)'.
Act 2: Getting Inside Hamilton -- Murphy has thought ahead at this moment. Foreseeing a lengthy battle with the police, he has brought sandwiches. Offering one first to his child hostage ("even tough guys gotta eat", he says), he then offers one to Ice-T. "Would you like a jelly sandwich?" Murphy asks. Ice-T, to this point a silent-but-deadly type, sneers a Billy-Idol-squared sneer and replies. "Yeah", he retorts.
Act 3: Hamilton At Work -- Possibly the coup-de-gras moment of the entire film, Ice-T shows his creative chops, bursting into the final gun battle sliding upside-down on a cable, spinning, twirling, firing two automatics at once, and then...
SPOILER! ...he dies. Just like that. Like that kid in "Pay It Forward", he dies for the greater cause, which Costner's Murphy then kills when he dies himself minutes later. All in all, as I stated earlier, quite possibly Ice-T's greatest (and shortest) moment in film. See this movie for him. After all, if you were in "3000 Miles to Graceland", Ice-T would watch it for you.
While it seems at other theaters, the dominant question was aimed at the movie's scripting and casting capabilities. At my local movie-house however, I did not let the movie get away so easily, having nearly reached the ending without revealing its unique hidden talent Ice-T waiting for his turn to shine.
SPOILER!
Ice-T's character is named 'Hamilton'. He is a...
SPOILER! ...weapons specialist.
And as such, Hamilton is called in to bolster evil-Elvis Murphy's (Kevin Costner, in his finest role I might add, since playing the stiff in "The Big Chill") team in the big climactic shootout versus the Feds in a dark, theatrically-lit industrial warehouse. The result is spectacular. But Ice-T's contribution to this movie start earlier, and can be broken down into three main parts, or 'acts'.
Act I: The Introduction to Hamilton -- Upon arrival at the warehouse, Murphy states to fellow crony Howie Long ("Firestorm", the "NFL") that they need more firepower. Cue Ice-T, who Long boasts 'is a couple of guys (in one)'.
Act 2: Getting Inside Hamilton -- Murphy has thought ahead at this moment. Foreseeing a lengthy battle with the police, he has brought sandwiches. Offering one first to his child hostage ("even tough guys gotta eat", he says), he then offers one to Ice-T. "Would you like a jelly sandwich?" Murphy asks. Ice-T, to this point a silent-but-deadly type, sneers a Billy-Idol-squared sneer and replies. "Yeah", he retorts.
Act 3: Hamilton At Work -- Possibly the coup-de-gras moment of the entire film, Ice-T shows his creative chops, bursting into the final gun battle sliding upside-down on a cable, spinning, twirling, firing two automatics at once, and then...
SPOILER! ...he dies. Just like that. Like that kid in "Pay It Forward", he dies for the greater cause, which Costner's Murphy then kills when he dies himself minutes later. All in all, as I stated earlier, quite possibly Ice-T's greatest (and shortest) moment in film. See this movie for him. After all, if you were in "3000 Miles to Graceland", Ice-T would watch it for you.
To Die For
(1995)
It's All About the Acting, Baby.
7 February 2001
"To Die For" is a wonderful example of superb acting chops.
Directed by the Gus Van Sant with balls (egs. "My Own Private Idaho", "Drugstore Cowboy" -- later replaced by Gus Van Shmaltz of "Good Will Hunting and "Finding Forrester"), this is a dark and savvy picture, disturbing and funny, boasting one of the decade's finest acting performances by a member of the fairer sex. The presently available Nicole Kidman churns out her best role to date, delicately switching emotional channels between empowerment and ruthlessness. Often looking directly at the camera, her sense of confidence is overwhelming as she guides you through her story.
And while "To Die For" adopts a familiar tale, that of one-woman's-rise-to-fame-and-what-not, the steps it takes to get from Point A to Point B are truly original, tip-toeing through a virtual garden of backstabbing, deceit and murder.
Backed by a fine supporting cast including Matt Dillon, Joaquin Pheonix (watch out for this guy, right?), Casey Affleck, Wayne Knight (!) and Kurtwood Smith (!!!), "To Die For", in the end, is a woman's movie. Not to the kickass nth degree of "Thelma & Louise" mind you, but it is apparent navigating through this film that the ladies rule the coop. Alison Folland fleshes out a true-to-life teenager (having never acted before in her life, she, like "Dancer in the Dark"'s Björk, can only 'be'), and Illeana Douglas is more than a worthy adversary for Kidman.
The men, it seems, are merely here to get screwed around. And it is lovely to watch.
Check it out.
Directed by the Gus Van Sant with balls (egs. "My Own Private Idaho", "Drugstore Cowboy" -- later replaced by Gus Van Shmaltz of "Good Will Hunting and "Finding Forrester"), this is a dark and savvy picture, disturbing and funny, boasting one of the decade's finest acting performances by a member of the fairer sex. The presently available Nicole Kidman churns out her best role to date, delicately switching emotional channels between empowerment and ruthlessness. Often looking directly at the camera, her sense of confidence is overwhelming as she guides you through her story.
And while "To Die For" adopts a familiar tale, that of one-woman's-rise-to-fame-and-what-not, the steps it takes to get from Point A to Point B are truly original, tip-toeing through a virtual garden of backstabbing, deceit and murder.
Backed by a fine supporting cast including Matt Dillon, Joaquin Pheonix (watch out for this guy, right?), Casey Affleck, Wayne Knight (!) and Kurtwood Smith (!!!), "To Die For", in the end, is a woman's movie. Not to the kickass nth degree of "Thelma & Louise" mind you, but it is apparent navigating through this film that the ladies rule the coop. Alison Folland fleshes out a true-to-life teenager (having never acted before in her life, she, like "Dancer in the Dark"'s Björk, can only 'be'), and Illeana Douglas is more than a worthy adversary for Kidman.
The men, it seems, are merely here to get screwed around. And it is lovely to watch.
Check it out.
Thunder
(1983)
Thunder Warrior: First Blood
18 January 2001
Many were put off by Jeffrey Wright's portrayal of a Dominican drug lord in John Singleton's 2000 remake of "Shaft". The reason? Wright wasn't Hispanic. Not in any way. So the question begs to be asked, why was there no similar uproar when the white-as-snow Mark Gregory was cast as the Navajo lead in 1983's "Thunder Warrior"?
OK, so maybe I'm overstating here. Wright stole the show in "Shaft". Everybody talked about it. Gregory on the other hand, played out the role of Thunder to an audience of, well, zero. In fact, you'll be lucky to find a copy of "Thunder Warrior" in even the dankest of video cellars. And with good cause -- it like, totally stinks.
"Thunder Warrior", a gripping yarn about a lone soldier standing in the face of injustice, is a hot-blooded Reagan-era "Rambo" knockoff. And the parallels to Sly Stallone's "Rambo" are staggering: The vigilante lone-wolf warrior, the fighting-for-a-just-cause shtick, the massive odds piled up against him, yada yada yada. It's probably a purposeful move the producers made to keep this flick below radar, in order to avoid accusations of outright plagiarism.
Directed by Fabrizio de Angelis (the genius behind "Murder Alligator" and "Zombie Holocaust"), what we have here is a scorched tale of personal vengeance set in the American West, created by an Italian cast and crew, led of course by Gregory (ne, Marco di Gregario). In essence then, it's Spaghetti-Rambo.
But where "Thunder Warrior" splits from John Rambo comparisons is its level of quality. And by stretching the very definition of 'quality' to include "Rambo", surely now the abilities of "Thunder Warrior" can be understood. Combining chop-shop editing, stunted dialogue and stunts taken from "The A-Team" big book of tricks, it appears that poor Fabrizio's vision may not have been fully realized. And frankly, that's just sad. There is no action in this action movie. There are no thrills in this thriller. It defies any genre, the very reason the only place you'll find it now is in the five-cent bargain bin. Right next to its two(!) sequels.
OK, so maybe I'm overstating here. Wright stole the show in "Shaft". Everybody talked about it. Gregory on the other hand, played out the role of Thunder to an audience of, well, zero. In fact, you'll be lucky to find a copy of "Thunder Warrior" in even the dankest of video cellars. And with good cause -- it like, totally stinks.
"Thunder Warrior", a gripping yarn about a lone soldier standing in the face of injustice, is a hot-blooded Reagan-era "Rambo" knockoff. And the parallels to Sly Stallone's "Rambo" are staggering: The vigilante lone-wolf warrior, the fighting-for-a-just-cause shtick, the massive odds piled up against him, yada yada yada. It's probably a purposeful move the producers made to keep this flick below radar, in order to avoid accusations of outright plagiarism.
Directed by Fabrizio de Angelis (the genius behind "Murder Alligator" and "Zombie Holocaust"), what we have here is a scorched tale of personal vengeance set in the American West, created by an Italian cast and crew, led of course by Gregory (ne, Marco di Gregario). In essence then, it's Spaghetti-Rambo.
But where "Thunder Warrior" splits from John Rambo comparisons is its level of quality. And by stretching the very definition of 'quality' to include "Rambo", surely now the abilities of "Thunder Warrior" can be understood. Combining chop-shop editing, stunted dialogue and stunts taken from "The A-Team" big book of tricks, it appears that poor Fabrizio's vision may not have been fully realized. And frankly, that's just sad. There is no action in this action movie. There are no thrills in this thriller. It defies any genre, the very reason the only place you'll find it now is in the five-cent bargain bin. Right next to its two(!) sequels.
Dungeons & Dragons
(2000)
Ugh. Yuck.
8 January 2001
'Dungeons and Dragons' is stupid as hell.
But props must be given to the producers for clinching the services of Jeremy Irons, whose presence marks the only difference between 'D&D' and a two-hour episode of 'Sinbad'. Irons notwithstanding, this movie is drivel and an insult to the intelligence of basement-residing D&D nerds worldwide. Yes, it's a dumb, dumb movie with a worthless script that must be blamed for the fact that Irons, an Oscar-winner for 'Reversal of Fortune', is outclassed by a Wayans brother. Granted, the guy has made dumb career moves in the past. Luckily he boasts very little screen time and is surrounded by a full complement of equally insipid performances (including Thora Birch in full 'Monkey Trouble' mode apparently reading cue cards).
Indeed, roughly by the midway point of this thing - when Bruce Payne's blue-Slurpee-lipped henchman Damodar catches thief Ridley (Justin Whalin) in the act of stealing a map and snickers "just like a thief, always taking things that don't belong to you" - you pretty much know what you've paid for...FX.
And plenty of them.
'D&D' is so mired in fantastical visions of gravity-defying CG structures and backdrops, I was surprised to find that the movie was primarily filmed in England and the Czech Republic(!). The snippets of the film not created on an iMac appeared to be pure Hollywood backlot material. And while many will and have realized, 'D&D' borrows - heavily - from other movies, notably some outrageously recognizable scenes straight out of both 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' and 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom'.
Ugh. Yuck.
But props must be given to the producers for clinching the services of Jeremy Irons, whose presence marks the only difference between 'D&D' and a two-hour episode of 'Sinbad'. Irons notwithstanding, this movie is drivel and an insult to the intelligence of basement-residing D&D nerds worldwide. Yes, it's a dumb, dumb movie with a worthless script that must be blamed for the fact that Irons, an Oscar-winner for 'Reversal of Fortune', is outclassed by a Wayans brother. Granted, the guy has made dumb career moves in the past. Luckily he boasts very little screen time and is surrounded by a full complement of equally insipid performances (including Thora Birch in full 'Monkey Trouble' mode apparently reading cue cards).
Indeed, roughly by the midway point of this thing - when Bruce Payne's blue-Slurpee-lipped henchman Damodar catches thief Ridley (Justin Whalin) in the act of stealing a map and snickers "just like a thief, always taking things that don't belong to you" - you pretty much know what you've paid for...FX.
And plenty of them.
'D&D' is so mired in fantastical visions of gravity-defying CG structures and backdrops, I was surprised to find that the movie was primarily filmed in England and the Czech Republic(!). The snippets of the film not created on an iMac appeared to be pure Hollywood backlot material. And while many will and have realized, 'D&D' borrows - heavily - from other movies, notably some outrageously recognizable scenes straight out of both 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' and 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom'.
Ugh. Yuck.
Rocket Robin Hood
(1966–1969)
A Timeless Treasure
12 December 2000
Before the Golden Age of infomercials, many television networks relied on recycled episodes of way outdated programs. During what would become the prime-time of the infomercial industry (approximately 4:00 AM until dawn), youngsters in the 70s and 80s were exposed to a brief glut of super-subpar cartoons. These included an animated version of "The Mighty Hercules", "Max the 2,000 Year Old Mouse" (forgive me if I've reported this one wrong, it's been awhile) and "The Amazing Spider-Man". In Canada specifically, there was "Rocket Robin Hood".
Taking the chintzy animation of the aforementioned programs one step lower, "Rocket Robin Hood" graced Canuck TV sets for a brief moment in time in the mid-60s. But due to its rapid demise, many kids were introduced to the 'toon in subsequent decades. Featuring the melodramatic, sometimes comedic, sometimes outright inane adventures of the ubiquitous Sherwood Forest gang, the makers of "RRH" added a like, total 60s twist. They added the limitless possibilities of...The Future. "RRH" you see, took place in 'the fantastic year 3000' in a galaxy ruled by the evil despot Prince John and his fiendish aide, the Wicked Sheriff of Nott. And as for our merry men? They threw cosmic wrench after cosmic wrench into the Prince's schemes out of their base on the lush, green Sherwood Asteroid. By this point, you either see this as way trippy or totally psycho. In this hombre's opinion, those who witnessed the spectacle of "RRH" are truly blessed individuals, exposed to an endless wealth of kitschy pop culture material. Who could forget the timeless theme song, or the cute vignettes of each character that peppered each episode? Or the one time Robin squared off against the evil Infinata of Dementia Five (a feat that was duplicated shot for shot in an episode of "Spider-Man")? This is high-calibre stuff. Seek it out.
It is hoped that one day that this show will make a comeback, as chances are it's been relegated to the TV scrapyard for good. In the future perhaps, the ever-expanding array of channels will force someone to pick it up out of sheer desperation. Let's just hope it happens before the fantastic year 3000.
Taking the chintzy animation of the aforementioned programs one step lower, "Rocket Robin Hood" graced Canuck TV sets for a brief moment in time in the mid-60s. But due to its rapid demise, many kids were introduced to the 'toon in subsequent decades. Featuring the melodramatic, sometimes comedic, sometimes outright inane adventures of the ubiquitous Sherwood Forest gang, the makers of "RRH" added a like, total 60s twist. They added the limitless possibilities of...The Future. "RRH" you see, took place in 'the fantastic year 3000' in a galaxy ruled by the evil despot Prince John and his fiendish aide, the Wicked Sheriff of Nott. And as for our merry men? They threw cosmic wrench after cosmic wrench into the Prince's schemes out of their base on the lush, green Sherwood Asteroid. By this point, you either see this as way trippy or totally psycho. In this hombre's opinion, those who witnessed the spectacle of "RRH" are truly blessed individuals, exposed to an endless wealth of kitschy pop culture material. Who could forget the timeless theme song, or the cute vignettes of each character that peppered each episode? Or the one time Robin squared off against the evil Infinata of Dementia Five (a feat that was duplicated shot for shot in an episode of "Spider-Man")? This is high-calibre stuff. Seek it out.
It is hoped that one day that this show will make a comeback, as chances are it's been relegated to the TV scrapyard for good. In the future perhaps, the ever-expanding array of channels will force someone to pick it up out of sheer desperation. Let's just hope it happens before the fantastic year 3000.
Reindeer Games
(2000)
Ho-Ho-Hum
17 October 2000
Ben Affleck is no tough guy.
Sure, he's got a big chin and the Deion Sanders swagger, but deep down he's just a Charles Atlas middleman of sorts -- not the pumped up Ahnuld-esque end result, but a few steps above the 90-pound weakling. And so to place him in an Ahnuld role seems, well...awkward.
"Reindeer Games" is the byproduct of this awkwardness. It's a sloppy, uneven and groan-inducing effort not worthy of the talent involved, including Affleck. It reminds me of an old "Kids In The Hall" TV sketch about a doctor/quack who coasts through med-school entirely on charm. Similarly, Affleck attempts to glide through this film on puppy-dog eyes, a Luke Perry forehead and a rat's smile. And he comes off looking like a jerk.
John Frankenheimer, phoning this one in, fails to capture any of the magic of his earlier films (heck, this ain't even on par with "Ronin"). Charlize Theron plays the harlot. Gary Sinise is the bad guy (well duh, he's got long hair). And like I said, Affleck is the jerk. "Reindeer Games" lacks brains, lacks credibility, lacks fun and lacks energy. It has nothing but an ending of blatantly moronic twists straight out of an episode of "Scooby-Doo".
Long story short, it's a Razzie nominee if there ever was one. But it also preaches a valuable lesson: Don't put the 90-pound weakling into the fight until he's ready. Otherwise, he gets ridiculed. And he gets the snot pounded out of him.
Sure, he's got a big chin and the Deion Sanders swagger, but deep down he's just a Charles Atlas middleman of sorts -- not the pumped up Ahnuld-esque end result, but a few steps above the 90-pound weakling. And so to place him in an Ahnuld role seems, well...awkward.
"Reindeer Games" is the byproduct of this awkwardness. It's a sloppy, uneven and groan-inducing effort not worthy of the talent involved, including Affleck. It reminds me of an old "Kids In The Hall" TV sketch about a doctor/quack who coasts through med-school entirely on charm. Similarly, Affleck attempts to glide through this film on puppy-dog eyes, a Luke Perry forehead and a rat's smile. And he comes off looking like a jerk.
John Frankenheimer, phoning this one in, fails to capture any of the magic of his earlier films (heck, this ain't even on par with "Ronin"). Charlize Theron plays the harlot. Gary Sinise is the bad guy (well duh, he's got long hair). And like I said, Affleck is the jerk. "Reindeer Games" lacks brains, lacks credibility, lacks fun and lacks energy. It has nothing but an ending of blatantly moronic twists straight out of an episode of "Scooby-Doo".
Long story short, it's a Razzie nominee if there ever was one. But it also preaches a valuable lesson: Don't put the 90-pound weakling into the fight until he's ready. Otherwise, he gets ridiculed. And he gets the snot pounded out of him.
The Replacements
(2000)
Whoa...
13 August 2000
Based of course, on the infamous 1987 NFL players' strike, "The Replacements" feels as if it should have been made in 1987. Featuring the mind-numbingly stereotypical gaggle of misfits and outcasts, this film definitely leans more towards "Major League" forgettability than "Bull Durham" loftiness. And mind-numbingly-stereotypical might be the summary on this turkey. Take a moment and consider every possible sports cliché you can. Got 'em all? No? Well, the makers of "The Replacements" left no cliché stone unturned, believe you me - capped off with the most inane rah-rah speech ever put to celluloid (voiced soullessly by what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here Gene Hackman). By now you're gettin' that I didn't appreciate this thing, and maybe you're wondering "well, what about Keanu?"
Yeah, what about Keanu? Here's a hint: Remember what Mark Hamill did between "Star Wars" movies?
For a film trumpeting the merits of second chances, Keanu clearly takes a colossal bite out of his at the Hollywood A-List (having secured it of course, with "The Matrix", he is in full "Johnny Mnemonic" mode here). Of course, with two more "Matrix" movies on the way, Keanu can quietly cash his check and move on. It makes one wonder though, that this is the same bloke in "Little Buddha". Maybe the guy does have some acting range after all.
Incidentally, the only saving grace maybe, was Jon Favreau as the bull-in-the-china-shop sack machine, even though he reminded me of what's-his-name from the "Police Academy" series.
Steer clear, men. Football season is only a few weeks away.
Yeah, what about Keanu? Here's a hint: Remember what Mark Hamill did between "Star Wars" movies?
For a film trumpeting the merits of second chances, Keanu clearly takes a colossal bite out of his at the Hollywood A-List (having secured it of course, with "The Matrix", he is in full "Johnny Mnemonic" mode here). Of course, with two more "Matrix" movies on the way, Keanu can quietly cash his check and move on. It makes one wonder though, that this is the same bloke in "Little Buddha". Maybe the guy does have some acting range after all.
Incidentally, the only saving grace maybe, was Jon Favreau as the bull-in-the-china-shop sack machine, even though he reminded me of what's-his-name from the "Police Academy" series.
Steer clear, men. Football season is only a few weeks away.
The Big Snit
(1985)
Canadians Have The Best Shorts
17 July 2000
Richard Condie is a Canadian marvel, and one that should be shared with the world. Be it for gut-busting early work such as "Getting Started" and the Oscar-nominated "Snit" through "The Apprentice" and the digitally made "La Salla", Condie is a treasured local hero. But no singular piece of work puts a stamp on his career quite like "The Big Snit". And did I mention it was nominated for an Academy Award? Darn tootin'.
"The Big Snit", although clearly a dated message-bearer from the 1980s (the short revolves around Cold War-esquire nuclear annihilation, but don't worry it's hilarious as hell), carries with it a larger meaning, as is most of Condie's work in an understated sort of way. While the planet scurries for cover from Armageddon, a couple bickers over each others' annoying habits (in true Condie fashion, he hacksaws the furniture while she shakes her eyes literally). And don't forget to watch it again and again, 'cuz there's always something to look at. Condie loads this fella up with countless visual gags and memorable catch-phrases.
I strongly encourage this incredible piece of animation be tracked down. In Canada it's usually spotted in a National Film Board video that includes other stellar shorts (including fellow Winnipegger Cordell Barker's equally funny "The Cat Came Back"). Americans will just have to dig a little deeper, but keep at it the reward is worth the toil.
"The Big Snit", although clearly a dated message-bearer from the 1980s (the short revolves around Cold War-esquire nuclear annihilation, but don't worry it's hilarious as hell), carries with it a larger meaning, as is most of Condie's work in an understated sort of way. While the planet scurries for cover from Armageddon, a couple bickers over each others' annoying habits (in true Condie fashion, he hacksaws the furniture while she shakes her eyes literally). And don't forget to watch it again and again, 'cuz there's always something to look at. Condie loads this fella up with countless visual gags and memorable catch-phrases.
I strongly encourage this incredible piece of animation be tracked down. In Canada it's usually spotted in a National Film Board video that includes other stellar shorts (including fellow Winnipegger Cordell Barker's equally funny "The Cat Came Back"). Americans will just have to dig a little deeper, but keep at it the reward is worth the toil.
Labyrinth
(1986)
David Bowie Changed My Life...And My Hair.
14 July 2000
Looking back at Jim Henson's "Labyrinth", my naïveté as a kid must've been in full effect. When the movie debuted, I admit, I was caught smack-dab in the middle of its target audience - as a fairly dumb, imaginative, gawk-in-amazement-at-even-the-shoddiest-special-effects, Muppet-loving, movie-going ten year-old. My mom took me to see "Labyrinth" after days of pleading, and with all of my aforementioned attributes in tow, I was not disappointed. But sitting in that theater, nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see...David Bowie. I mean, here I was watching this amazingly multi-talented guy act, sing and, AND, defy all laws of gravity by rolling a crystal ball around his hand.
Plus he could turn into a barn owl. Way cool.
For months following "Labyrinth", I wanted to be David Bowie - especially in the hair department. Tina Turner had nothing on this Goblin King, and I was even more astounded a brief time later when I discovered he wasn't even an actor.
The movie though, still holds up fairly well, and all the credit in the world goes to Jim Henson for that. One thing was always for certain in the 80s: Muppet technology always remained a step ahead of the visual effects movement. The movie's cast of creature-oddities were far more tactile and believable than anything "Ghostbusters" (for example) could ever throw at you. The one F/X stumble even noticeable as a dumb kid in 1986 were those papier-maché boulders. But I digress.
This is a movie you should 'see again, for the first time' and all that stuff. Or show to your kids. Or whatever. It's all good, baby.
Plus he could turn into a barn owl. Way cool.
For months following "Labyrinth", I wanted to be David Bowie - especially in the hair department. Tina Turner had nothing on this Goblin King, and I was even more astounded a brief time later when I discovered he wasn't even an actor.
The movie though, still holds up fairly well, and all the credit in the world goes to Jim Henson for that. One thing was always for certain in the 80s: Muppet technology always remained a step ahead of the visual effects movement. The movie's cast of creature-oddities were far more tactile and believable than anything "Ghostbusters" (for example) could ever throw at you. The one F/X stumble even noticeable as a dumb kid in 1986 were those papier-maché boulders. But I digress.
This is a movie you should 'see again, for the first time' and all that stuff. Or show to your kids. Or whatever. It's all good, baby.
The Car
(1977)
They Saved Hitler's Car!
14 July 2000
Lemme say this about "The Car" - the horror movie genre received a monumental boost in credibility with the release of this proud and noble pic. Gathering together some key horror movie elements (small desert town, scrappy desert folk, demonic Lincoln), the makers of "The Car" must've felt they were on top of a goldmine. They had an A-list cast led by the future Mr. Barbra Streisand and the awesome Ronny Cox. After a decade of love, peace and grooviness, America was once again ready for killer car movies. So what went so terribly wrong? Two words: Star Wars.
It's true. If it weren't for George Lucas, "The Car" would've been the surefire hit of 1977 and we'd all be reminiscing about the classic "Car Wars" trilogy and remembering how incredible James Brolin was as Indiana Jones.
Sadly, "The Car" disappeared into the night, never to receive the credit it deserved as a true horror breakthrough as a classic portrayal of man versus machine. Pitting a mysterious chopped-down souped-up Lincoln with a cruise-ship horn against a motley crew of never-say-die townsfolk, "The Car" follows the bloodthirsty path of a supercharged, soulless sedan as it brutally chews up scenery, cyclists, and one memorable french-horn-toting hitchhiker. It is indeed a chilling movie that eerily foretold future trends such as road rage and godawful James Brolin films, with an ending for the ages.
Bearing in mind, a great deal of this is sarcasm. But truthfully, "The Car" is highly recommended for the good-bad-movie lover - it is an excellent film to make fun of.
It's true. If it weren't for George Lucas, "The Car" would've been the surefire hit of 1977 and we'd all be reminiscing about the classic "Car Wars" trilogy and remembering how incredible James Brolin was as Indiana Jones.
Sadly, "The Car" disappeared into the night, never to receive the credit it deserved as a true horror breakthrough as a classic portrayal of man versus machine. Pitting a mysterious chopped-down souped-up Lincoln with a cruise-ship horn against a motley crew of never-say-die townsfolk, "The Car" follows the bloodthirsty path of a supercharged, soulless sedan as it brutally chews up scenery, cyclists, and one memorable french-horn-toting hitchhiker. It is indeed a chilling movie that eerily foretold future trends such as road rage and godawful James Brolin films, with an ending for the ages.
Bearing in mind, a great deal of this is sarcasm. But truthfully, "The Car" is highly recommended for the good-bad-movie lover - it is an excellent film to make fun of.
The Perfect Storm
(2000)
Big Dumb Duck.
12 July 2000
Saw the trailer (many, many times). Saw it had cool, transcendent F/X. Saw it had many limp lines. Feared it would be the next "Deep Impact". Feared it may even be the next "Armageddon". Movie came out. Scanned IMDB for reviews. Noticed my premonitions were coming true. Saw the movie anyway (cheap night, thank heavens). Groaned at the many limp lines. Went to bathroom. Bored to tears waiting for F/X to kick in. Went to bathroom. F/X were cool and transcendent. F/X could not save awful movie. Movie over. Movie was next "Deep Impact". Went to bathroom. Snuck into "Chicken Run". Saw very good movie.
The Goonies
(1985)
Goonariffitastic.
12 July 2000
Our IMAX theater has begun showing "cinema classics" late on weekends - including this 1980s standout. Having not witnessed it in a theater in oh, say about fifteen years, I marveled at just how well it retained its 'fun factor'. Like many others, I originally saw "Goonies" when I was ten years old. It was a thrill-ride of adventure, jokes, comraderie and sheer 80s icons too numerous to name (the combination of Corey Feldman, Sean Astin, Anne Ramsey, the kid who played Short-Round and a soundtrack featuring Cyndi auper is lethal in its 80s-ness). Seeing it again not only brought back memories, but reminded me of how a good movie can sometimes be the one that is so much fun it masks the absolute absurdity of its plot - something about a group of outcast kids searching for pirate booty to save their neighborhood from greedy developers (like I said, absurd...but so 80s, you know?). Add to the pros of "Goonies" its kitschy band of ragtag characters, some of whom stay with you (Sloth, Mouth and the irrepressible Chunk) and some who don't (the older brother, the girls), and you have a movie that stands the test of time, for better or for worse. Damn fine movie. The Goonies were, and are, good enough for me.
SubUrbia
(1996)
SubMovie
30 June 2000
As a fan of Richard Linklater's homage to the 70s "Dazed and Confused" (like many people, apparently), seeing his name attached to this piece was the sole reason I went to see it. Like "Dazed", I expected a rambling '24-hours-in-the-life-of' movie with a strong cast of virtual nobodies (at the time). And while this did occur (the movie starts and ends merely for the sake of having a beginning and an end), it falls, WHAM! Flat on its pretentious face!
How come? I mean, "Dazed" was cute and stupid at the same time, funny and outrageous, senseless and meandering. "SubUrbia" on the other hand, plays out like a godawful after-school special - it seems everybody has a token problem. There's drugs! Bullies! Angst! Suicide! Fitting in! I kept waiting for a Nancy Reagan cameo, bleating about society's ills and telling Giovanni Ribisi that life would be 'cooler' if he didn't cuss so much. And f---, does he cuss. I never thought anyone could outwhine Bill Paxton in "Aliens", but Gio here takes the cake and crams it down his gullet. His cronies fare no better, considering a talented cast including Parker Posey and Steve Zahn (coasting through this one in full "Reality Bites" cutesy-cynic mode).
Linklater obviously had experience to draw from in creating "Dazed". "SubUrbia" may be a slice-of-life, but not his. Not by a long-shot. The movie seems based on second-hand experiences, like someone telling you "this is what your life is like". Truth be told, no one knows what your life is like, what you go through growing up except you.
'Nuff said. I'm starting to sound like an after-school special myself.
How come? I mean, "Dazed" was cute and stupid at the same time, funny and outrageous, senseless and meandering. "SubUrbia" on the other hand, plays out like a godawful after-school special - it seems everybody has a token problem. There's drugs! Bullies! Angst! Suicide! Fitting in! I kept waiting for a Nancy Reagan cameo, bleating about society's ills and telling Giovanni Ribisi that life would be 'cooler' if he didn't cuss so much. And f---, does he cuss. I never thought anyone could outwhine Bill Paxton in "Aliens", but Gio here takes the cake and crams it down his gullet. His cronies fare no better, considering a talented cast including Parker Posey and Steve Zahn (coasting through this one in full "Reality Bites" cutesy-cynic mode).
Linklater obviously had experience to draw from in creating "Dazed". "SubUrbia" may be a slice-of-life, but not his. Not by a long-shot. The movie seems based on second-hand experiences, like someone telling you "this is what your life is like". Truth be told, no one knows what your life is like, what you go through growing up except you.
'Nuff said. I'm starting to sound like an after-school special myself.
Bottle Rocket
(1996)
Shades of "Rushmore"
12 June 2000
If you found yourself laughing out loud watching "Rushmore", then undoubtedly you'll be interested in what Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson cut their comedic teeth on. 1996's "Bottle Rocket" is a tight and funny package that shows more-than-obvious structural bonds to their hilarious 1998 followup -- from the smart banter between characters, right down to the Mark Mothersbaugh xylophone-and-sleigh-bells score. And while "Rocket" may not be as crisp and consistent as "Rushmore", it's still quite a rewarding experience. Brothers Owen and Luke Wilson are a quality tandem for a movie of this style as simple and quirky dimwits, and are strewn in among a whole list of good characters (Robert Musgrave as Bob is a standout). Definately a good, solid piece of work. Not great (Rushmore), but good (Bottle Rocket).
Small Time Crooks
(2000)
Sweet Fancy Moses!
30 May 2000
Having only a few samplings of the WoodMan under my belt -- including hits like "Annie Hall" and "Everything You Wanted To Know...", and misses such as "Scenes From A Mall", watching "Small Time Crooks" has officially turned me into a Woody Allan bigot. From here on in, I'll admit to 'mildly enjoying' said hits -- and yeah, he's certainly vaulted many performers into breakthrough roles -- but I'll always be the one to counter with "why can't he do more stuff like 'Antz'?"
This movie is horrendous. And you know what? It is all Woody Allen's fault.
Originally sucked in by a cast of interesting cohorts (Tracey Ullman, Jon Lovitz and Michael Rapaport) and a funny teaser trailer (the backwards mining hats got me, I confess), "Crooks" is an Allen vehicle with square tires. If you're venturing out to see this thing under similar circumstances, you'll be left wondering as to where your movie went, and why is Hugh Grant in it all of the sudden. Simply put, the only humor out of this piece comes from Woody's gang of cronies, who for some reason or another, disappear less than midway through.
What's left is a horribly dated script, seemingly improvised lines and plenty of Woody's patented whining, whining, whining (oy, the whining!). At times, the film hovers at a level that can only be compared to a high-school play. And not a good one, neither. As for any breakthrough performances, don't hold your breath -- unless the four or five minutes of Rapaport and Lovitz count for anything. And Woody? Try harder. Do better. Be funnier. 'Cuz you just lost yourself another customer.
This movie is horrendous. And you know what? It is all Woody Allen's fault.
Originally sucked in by a cast of interesting cohorts (Tracey Ullman, Jon Lovitz and Michael Rapaport) and a funny teaser trailer (the backwards mining hats got me, I confess), "Crooks" is an Allen vehicle with square tires. If you're venturing out to see this thing under similar circumstances, you'll be left wondering as to where your movie went, and why is Hugh Grant in it all of the sudden. Simply put, the only humor out of this piece comes from Woody's gang of cronies, who for some reason or another, disappear less than midway through.
What's left is a horribly dated script, seemingly improvised lines and plenty of Woody's patented whining, whining, whining (oy, the whining!). At times, the film hovers at a level that can only be compared to a high-school play. And not a good one, neither. As for any breakthrough performances, don't hold your breath -- unless the four or five minutes of Rapaport and Lovitz count for anything. And Woody? Try harder. Do better. Be funnier. 'Cuz you just lost yourself another customer.
The Omega Man
(1971)
Here's The Beef - This Is Prime Chuck.
25 April 2000
What we got right here is a prime sampling of Charlton Heston's 1970s renaissance, that's what. Prime Chuck. The Hest. The MAN. In all his ageing, fading glory. From the very beginning we see a sweaty, swarthy and downright bad Chuck rollin' in his five-oh (a la Vanilla Ice, I suppose), scouring the streets of a skeletal near-future Los Angeles. And as the last man on earth, it's the least he can do. Only this is the future with a demonic hitch - Chuck must defend himself at every darkening turn from an evil cult of postwar mutants, led by the maniacal cool-as-ice Matthias. This aggrevated Luddite soul-brother crew's primary aim it seems, is to rid the world of Chuck - while they're not oozing cool and spouting kitschy new-age philosophies. In response, what we as viewers receive is Chuck at his absolute baddest (take that how you wish). In a film where Hest's teeth practically take second billing, we hear him say all the things Chuck was born to say: Damn, bastards, God, SOB and so on.
It's one hell of a ride, dated badly from the first moment we see Chuck pop a tape in the 8-Track. Thus, when you feel the need for cheese, simply mix in "The Omega Man" - and a little prime Chuck.
It's one hell of a ride, dated badly from the first moment we see Chuck pop a tape in the 8-Track. Thus, when you feel the need for cheese, simply mix in "The Omega Man" - and a little prime Chuck.
Top Gun
(1986)
Welcome to Cliché Country.
3 April 2000
There are three steps to prepare yourself for "Top Gun": Check your brain at the door. Load up on sugar and butter. Enjoy standard Bruckheimer movie fare.
That's it, folks I wish there were more, but there ain't. Just two quick hours or so of Reagan-era military movie schlock featuring rock-video style editing, a cast of hunks and broads and clichés, clichés, clichés. Don't bother taking the film apart, be it for plot, technical content or entertainment value. Any idiot can do that. Infact, the film welcomes you to do it. One does wonder however, just what in the world this movie would be like had the electric guitar not been invented. Yikes.
Oh yeah. I love the renegade pilots' blatent disregard for the US military's (place pinky finger to bottom lip) "thirty meeeellion dollar jets".
A bad movie all around. I loved it.
That's it, folks I wish there were more, but there ain't. Just two quick hours or so of Reagan-era military movie schlock featuring rock-video style editing, a cast of hunks and broads and clichés, clichés, clichés. Don't bother taking the film apart, be it for plot, technical content or entertainment value. Any idiot can do that. Infact, the film welcomes you to do it. One does wonder however, just what in the world this movie would be like had the electric guitar not been invented. Yikes.
Oh yeah. I love the renegade pilots' blatent disregard for the US military's (place pinky finger to bottom lip) "thirty meeeellion dollar jets".
A bad movie all around. I loved it.
Four on the Floor
(1985– )
Boot to the Head!
31 March 2000
Long before "22 Minutes", "Kids in the Hall" and "CODCO", the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation wet it's sketch-comedy feet with The Frantics' "Four on the Floor". Crudely made simplistic plotlines were made into genuinely laugh-a-second sketches with the incomparable talents of Peter, Rick, Paul and Dan. The Frantics first made the national scene on radio, and the move to television was more an experiment than anything. But for it's single season run, they sure put on a show. Highlights included Peter Wildman's songs ("Carsick" leaps immediately to mind) and Mr. Canoehead, who in one memorable sketch, foiled a pair of fur thieves by disguising himself as a giant beaver. And if that isn't classic Canadian comedy, I don't know what is. I miss these guys.
Muppets Tonight
(1996–1998)
"MT", We Hardly Knew Ye.
31 March 2000
It's a travesty what happened to this show. In it's short-lived existence, "Muppets Tonight" was one of the best things going on television. Sadly though, it played out to an audience that apparently had been all muppeted out. A wonderful program with an incredible group of characters old and new, "Muppets Tonight" boasted a stellar ensemble of special guests. What other variety program could showcase such awesome star power like Garth Brooks, Michelle Pfeiffer, Prince and Cindy Crawford? What other show could pull off the unbelievable, like Rizzo the Rat belting out Right Said Fred's 'I'm Too Sexy' to a screaming mob of she-rodents? Or a life-sized grizzly-bear-security-guard trying to woo the aforementioned Crawford's affections? Or the hilarious Elvis Moments in History? Alas, "Muppets Tonight". We hardly knew ye. This crazy world just doesn't have room for those loony puppets anymore...except in Germany, apparently. Muppetheads across the globe await to see what happens next.
Heavyweights
(1995)
What A Tub Of Lard!
28 March 2000
Wow. Just when you think Disney can't stoop any lower in the 'feelgood-family-fare' genre, along come "Heavyweights". In an age when health experts are advocating more exercise and a healthier lifestyle, Disney obviously preferred to take the low road on the matter. The movie trumpets a valuable message on self-esteem and acceptance of others, but at what price? Cheap laughs at the expense of fat people. And granted, while healthy folks come in all shapes and sizes, the sheer gluttony and excess in parts of this...thing...makes it downright disgusting. This is absolute rock bottom. And Ben Stiller, where's your pride?
To quote Homer Simpson (a true expert on the subject): "That's a load of rich, creamery butter."
To quote Homer Simpson (a true expert on the subject): "That's a load of rich, creamery butter."
Arrowhead
(1995)
This Short Rocks the Casbah.
8 March 2000
A quick little note and I'll get out of your hair: this quirky little short film is a real piece of work. Consider yourself blessed if you ever come across it, either at a NFB or Canadian public library or on late night Canadian TV (much like another Canuck docu-gem - Coleslaw Warehouse). Supposedly about a Torontonian shmoe who finds dinosaur bones near his old stomping grounds, this flick turns into a platform for Don McKellar's subtle zaniness. You can't help but like this fella, or even relate to him a little bit. Granted, it's kind of a homegrown Canadian secret - but seek it out. You will not be disappointed.
Coleslaw Warehouse
(1993)
A Cute Little Experiment.
28 February 2000
I had the priveledge to see this 15 minute (or so) shortie when a televised hockey game ended early and the station needed some filler. This cute little experiment, directed by the Kids In The Hall's Bruce McCulloch (appropriately enough, the troupe's token 'cute and little guy'), features former CODCO standout Andy Jones as a coleslaw salesman in a world that sees no need for the icky cabbage goop anymore. And it's fun, I suppose - a bit of film that shouldn't stretch beyond fifteen minutes and wraps itself up in a nice tight package - and sadly, something that nobody will ever see, unless that is, you're Canadian and up super-late one night, drunk or wacked out of your gourd. If you match this description, you may be in line to see this short some day.
All About My Mother
(1999)
All About Estrogen.
21 February 2000
I have not made many forays into foreign films to date - and the Lord knows I'm trying - but I find it hard to swallow them when they repeatedly fortify their own stereotypes. This saucy little piece doesn't help. Thus, what follows now is a foreign film layman's impression of yet another campy, soapy, doesn't-quite-hit-the-mark effort. Performances were overblown (though Cecelia Roth, I must admit, was quite fine), though the motley crew of characters were already way out of whack, most likely, before the actors got their hands on the script. What a soap opera! Here's a devil-may-care transvestite best bud! There's the pregnant young waif! And look yonder, for here comes the long-lost cross-dressing dad! Holy shlamola! Where's the priest, back from the grave?
And look out if you're in the front row - there's so much estrogen packed into this crazy romp, a gelatinous pink syrup started to ooze from the screen. Watch your shoes.
And look out if you're in the front row - there's so much estrogen packed into this crazy romp, a gelatinous pink syrup started to ooze from the screen. Watch your shoes.
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