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General "Buck" Turgidson
Reviews
Ninja Destroyer (1986)
I would like to type a proper review for this film, but......
I'm too busy running, flipping, making crossbows and non-related weapons appear out of thin air, covering up my face, flipping some more, and rolling around behind a shield like an idiot.
After that I plan to practice my smirks after flipping and integrating a totally non related asian drug cartel plotline that has absolutely nothing to do with the somewhat mind numbing American footage.
Now before i type anymore I have to practice my Ninja cartwheels!
The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1994)
one of the stupidest movies I've ever been subjected to.....
A complete disgrace to the TCM legacy. Poorly written, overacted to the nth degree, and looks like it was edited by a pack of wild boors.
Not even worth renting on a "so-bad-it's-good" level and it exists only as a conversation piece as being the first film that both Matthew and Renee ever starred in.
rating:1
Kung Fu Rascals (1992)
required viewing for all fans of the band Primus!
this movie is goofy and dumb, but is worth checking out for one reason: it stars Les Claypool, bass player extraordinare for the great band PRIMUS. he stars as an evil sheriff and actually does quite a good job.
I did like the fact how the movie tried to skewer all kung fu film cliches in 90 minutes but overall it just doesn't hang together that well, but it does succeed on a so stupid it's cool level.
Battlefield Earth (2000)
Where are Joel and the 'bots when you need 'em?!!!
This has to positively be the worst film I've ever seen. I didn't even want to see it but the group of friends I was with guranteed me that "it would rock."
It would have been fitting if blood had started running from my eyes while I was being forced to watch this atrocity. Everything from the not-so-special effects, to the crummy story, and the lame acting is bottom of the barrel.
And what was the deal with the overuse of slow-motion?!! was that a last minute ploy to lengthen the film's running time?
It's really a shame that MST3K (I prefer the Joel era myself) isn't around because this film would be a prime candidate.
Rating:1
The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Once you get past Denise Richard's pathetic performance, this is well done action flick
As far as the Pierce Brosnan era goes, this film is much better than the generic Tomorrow Never Dies, but falls short of matching Goldeneye.
I've read that this film was original 160 min. but was cut to 128min. after some initial press screenings. That may explain some of the pacing problems that the films exhibits at times. The action sequences are extremely well done and choreographed but there are some lulls when the dialogue sequences get started.
The main things this film suffers from is a weak villian, and Denise Richards. After watching this it's clear she didn't get hired for acting ability (which she doesn't possess).Granted, she fills a tank top and daisy dukes quite nicely but she just seems out of place among such an otherwise stellar cast.
While not as well done as Goldeneye, this film definitely puts the series back on course after the lackluster and highly derivative Tomorrow Never Dies.
rating:8
Tenebre (1982)
An ultra-stylish, ultra-violent thriller.
(my comments are based on the uncut 101 min version.)
Tenebre stands out as having one of the more coherent and well-developed plots of any Dario Argento film. The film is a return to giallo style that he had last explored in 1976's Deep Red. The plot involves and american writer who is in Rome promoting his new book and a killer who starts killing people in the style of the book. There are a ton of twists and turns and you must stay with this one up until the very end.
As with most of Dario's films, the violence is intense, bloody and brutal. With the exception of the notorious hand-chopping sequence though, it actually isn't quite as gory as his last couple of films. The acting is also a notch above what is usually expected of in his films.
My only complaint is that there just a couple too many twists but nothing that really hurts the film greatly. Overall, a well made Italian thriller.
rating:8.5
Inferno (1980)
A flawed but enjoyable followup to Suspiria
(my comments are based on the uncut 107 min. version)
Inferno is the unofficial sequel to the classic Argento film Suspiria. Inferno contains a lot of the same elements that made Suspiria so memorable (the dreamlike cinematography, the nightmare quality of the narrative, and the 3 Mothers) but also contains some weaknesses that hurt the film.
first of all, the casting of the bland american actor Leigh McCloskey in the lead role was curious choice. As I've seen mentioned in other people's comments, once he arrives in New York to find his sister, he just spends his time nosing around in places he has no right being there. Seriously, i think he only has two expressions throughout the whole film.
Also, while Suspiria didn't have what could be called a coherent plot, Inferno's plot is even weaker, which is a shame because it starts out fairly strong but once the film goes from Rome to New York it's just a series of breathtakingly sequences of some great violence.
A solid sequel to Suspiria, but just don't expect it to equal that classic and you'll enjoy it.
rating:7
Profondo rosso (1975)
Dario Argento's best film to date.
(my comments are based on the 126 min. director's cut)
I've noticed that with most Dario Argento fans, it's always a toss-up as to which his best film is. Most people I talk to mention either Deep Red or Suspiria but for me, Deep Red is by far his most accomplished film to date.
For starters it actually has a fairly coherent plot which always seems to be almost like an afterthought in most of his films. There are a ton of twists and turns but everything that happens eventually makes sense.
Dario's trademark bloody and ultra-stylish death scenes are also fantastically done. SPOILERS AHEAD: we get treated to a woman getting chopped up by a hatchet and her face getting cut on a broken window, a woman getting her head shoved in a bathtub of scalding hot water, a man getting his teeth smashed out on a fire mantel and table before a knife is shoved in the back of his neck, and a man gets drug for a couple of miles by a truck before his head is crushed by an oncoming car. Basically, if you're watching it just for violence, you won't be disappointed.
The acting is also solid and the characters are actually given some depth that is sometimes lacking in Dario's films. The only problem is that there are a couple of pacing problems but nothing that greatly detracts from the proceedings.
This is definitely a cornerstone of Italian cinema and of the horror/thriller genre as well. While Dario's later films got wilder and more complex, none of them will ever be able to top his masterpiece, Deep Red.
rating:9
Three Kings (1999)
Easily, the best film of 1999. Perfect in every area.
Three Kings is hands down one of the best films I've ever seen. Everything about it from the direction, to the mindblowing editing and the fantastic ensemble acting truly make this stand out.
Whenever my faith in the state of modern cinema is starting to diminish, along comes a film like this that shows that there are still filmmakers capable of making challenging, and immensely entertaining films.
David O. Russell is definitely a writer/director to keep an eye on.
rating:10
Possession (1981)
A very strange and twisted film that requires multiple viewings.
(My comments are based on the uncut 123 min. version)
This is one of those films that doesn't quite make complete sense the first time you watch it. But with repeated viewings it all becomes clearer since you'll pick on things that you didn't catch the first time through. (it kind of reminds me of David Lynch's Lost Highway in how it's set up.)
I don't really want to go into any details of the complex plot since that could ruin some truly surprising events. The acting is solid throughout, and the creature effects are appropriately grotesque.
This film should only be seen in it's full uncut form (123 min.) as I shudder to think how incoherent the butchered 80 min. american cut is.
A strange but satisfying film that somehow manages to be both an intense arthouse film, a psychological thriller, and a full blown horror film all in equal doses. While it's not for all tastes, anyone in the mood for something different (or fans of Eurohorror cinema) should definitely check out this film.
rating:8
End of Days (1999)
This is one of those films that tries admirably to roll multiple genres into a coherent film and fails miserably.
If this film had tried to be either just a horror film or just an action film, it might have been more successful.
As it stands, the film is a jumbled mess. the acting is all over the map, the CGI effects are laughable, Robin Tunney doesn't do any full frontal nudity, and the ending was just plain stupid.
While much better than the similar Stigmata, this film is still lacking every department.
rating:4
The 13th Warrior (1999)
A well done action/adventure flick that's in desperate need of a plot.
I can sum up this movie quite easily: take Braveheart, remove any semblance of plot or character motivations, and you have the 13th Warrior.
It's not that it isn't a poorly made film (the visuals are great!), but nothing happens plotwise.
This film did go through some extensive editing during it's trip to theater screens, so a lot of plot could have possibly been cut...........who knows!