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sudianx
Reviews
Planet of the Apes (2001)
Groans about the acting and the plot holes.
The Planet of the Apes movies have been going on for ages. Between 1968 and 1981 no fewer than six were made, as well as two television adaptations. Just when you thought enough was enough, or much more than enough, here it comes again: Planet of the Apes (2001).
What has changed? Well, a few changes in the plot keep this from being a word-for-word copy of the movie we've all seen years ago on a Saturday afternoon when absolutely nothing else was on television. The people can talk this time, and yet, other than three or four lines per person, they refrain. You'd think these subjugated humans would be full of questions for the space-man, but no, they trudge along in silence throughout most of the movie as little more than scenery. Toward the end, one little boy gets tired of being an extra in a loincloth, and protests. "I want to be in this movie, too!" But our hero does not want to share the spotlight. There is one human who doesn't trudge; she prances. While the rest of humanity, dominated by simians, looks as though they've been trying merely to survive, she seems to have thrived and grown to be a supermodel. Actually, she is the face behind Chanel no. 5. Unfortunately, she had no perfume to offer our lead actor (ha, actor. That would imply acting, which is being far too generous), so she stands around as the "pretty young maiden in the loincloth" part of the scenery.
Our speaking roles are divided up between pretty much three characters. Our space-man and "hero," who actually caused much more trouble than he fixed, Leo Davidson, is played by Mark Wahlberg. He galavants about and spits out his line in a very John Wayne fashion: with as little emotion as possible. We never see him do much except walk along to his destination, dragging some others along the way. Our ape that sympathizes with the humans is Ari, played by Helena Bonham Carter. Watch this one closely if you see this movie. She is one of the two people you'll see acting. The other is Tim Roth, the man who plays our villian, General Thade. He plays a very angry ape.
The special effects are good, but what about those plot holes? All of a sudden at the end, people are kissing, but where did that romance come from? It's as if Burton were thumbing through the script, and all of a sudden said, "hey, we have no romance in this film at all! Quick, somebody film these folks kissing. Nevermind if it doesn't fit in with the story at all." And while the apes all started out as chimps, they grow into apes that resemble chimps, orangutans, and gorillas, just like in the first movie. But while the difference of species amongst the apes made sence in the 60's version of this movie, it does not in this movie, because of the changes they've made. I can't get any more specific without major spoilers, so email me if you want the specific reason for this. Oh, and the biggest plot hole of all. Our little band is traveling, on foot for a long while, and then on horseback. All of a sudden, a thousand people show up. Why? "Word has spread." What?? How?? The pony express? Cell phones, what? No, no, no. We simply didn't have time for details, and we need an army. So, word has spread, we don't know how, but here's the army. Ok.
And finally, the ending, which will go down in history as one of the worst endings of any movie, ever. This rivals the endings to "Manos: The Hands of Fate" and "Pink Flamingos." If you hadn't already been groaning at many of the scenes in the middle of the movie, you'll groan at the last. I groaned, and if I had been holding popcorn, I might have thrown it at the screen.
Bait (2000)
Why Bait made me groan miserably
Ah, Bait. How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. 1. You try to be funny, but are corny and unenjoyable; every joke is predictable and expected, and when it comes, does not inspire laughter. Instead, I want to hurl. 2. You try to be dramatic, but are unbelievable; the woman overacts to a terrible degree, and the "bad guy" looks like Bill Gates, and is about as scary as...well, Bill Gates. (Just try to imagine Bill Gates trying to intimidate somebody with a gun. Doesn't work, does it? A lawyer, maybe, but not a gun. Doesn't fit.) As for Jamie Foxx, well, just watching him try to deliver a dramatic and heartfelt dialogue is ludicrous, and makes me want to hurl. 3. You try to be action-packed, but instead are dull and dragging too many times. And when the action heats up, the tripod for the camera must have been lost, for the scenes wobble more than those in The Blair Witch Project, and I find myself nauseated, and once again I want to hurl. 4. You try to be a good movie, but you failed, you FAILED, YOU FAILED! I would rather walk barefoot across the Sahara with a pack full of beef jerky and no water, no sunscreen, and only Meryl Streep for company. This hell would be lovelier than a single minute more spent watching everyone in Bait overact their way through an idiotically written story with Bill Gates for a bad guy, and let's not even talk about the massive bomb that goes off in a car that Jamie Foxx's character has just driven OFF A CLIFF, but somehow manages to escape...just kill me now, or do the right thing and promise me that somehow I'll never have to watch a movie that is this bad, ever again.
The Contender (2000)
On The Contender, and why it is so much better than so many other films
Political dramas are few and far between in Hollywood, and good ones that are very enjoyable are even fewer in number and farther between. The Contender gives us just that; a very enjoyable movie that is riveting and exciting when you don't expect it to be. One doesn't expect this type of movie to be very exciting because it's not a comedy or an action flick, but it surprised this critic in a very good way. Our heroine is a politician who makes a stand against dirty politicians who play hardball politics, bending rules and walking a fine line between right and wrong. Sometimes they don't walk that fine line, they just jump over the line to the other side and don't try to hide it. Reputations are trashed and careers are threatened; jailtime might be served if our players aren't careful enough. Don't expect a film that will bore you to tears; while you might think that watching a political drama might be like watching two hours of C-SPAN, quite possibly the most boring channel on the planet, The Contender will be a pleasant surprise. You'll be interested, you'll feel the suspense and the emotion, and you'll care about the characters. All in all, it's a fine film.
Dr. T & the Women (2000)
What made this movie so bad
I'm not going to pick on Gere for his southern accent that came and went more often than Perot in a presidential campaign. Instead, I'm going to tell you why Dr. T & the Women is one of the most badly written dramatic films that I've ever had the horror to see. This movie could have been very good if the writers had spent more time with Gere and Hunt and given the movie a halfway normal ending. This film was interesting; we had lesbians, bisexuals, women losing their minds in a mall and dancing nude in the fountain, drunks, desperate women looking to hook Dr. T any way they could, cheerleaders, and that chick from Almost Famous. Despite the vast amount of interesting content, a movie is not good if it does not cohere to a central plot, with no more than a very few side stories that tie in to the central theme or story. Gere's character should have been at the center of this movie, and less time should have been spent with other characters. In fact, there were so many other characters, this movie felt more like a ninety-minute soap opera instead of a movie. And without a better ending that might give more satisfaction to the moviegoing audience, it feels like something that might drag on for years and years to come, much like a supra-dramatic-yet-very-sappy-and-crappy soap opera.
Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000)
Why this movie should never have been made.
I suspect that this movie was a mistake. Perhaps the director and producer(s) did not look over the final cut of Final Cut before sending it to theaters everywhere. I think this because no self respecting person who works in Hollywood should ever have associated themselves with a movie that is THIS bad. I'm not even going to grant Final Cut that much; the phrase "bad movie" is too good for Final Cut. It's just an hour and a half of pure c**p. Scenes that don't have anything to do with any major storyline are plentiful, and make up an estimated 85% of the 94 minutes that this movie wastes in any moviegoer's life. Actually, let me clarify something. The fact that there are numerous scenes that have nothing to do with any plot is explained very easily. THERE IS NO PLOT. I can't even say that there are major plot holes; for this movie was too bad to even have plot holes. You can't have holes in the plot, when there is no plot to butcher! What we get in Final Cut is a bunch of young people running around a campus making movies, when a few start to drop dead by the hand of an unknown psycho. Final Cut dares to associate itself, through various blatant hints dropped very NOT subtly throughout the film, with Hitchcock's classic horror pictures. Let me clarify something here. Hitchcock was a genius because his films actually scared people. A hero, throughout one of his films, would slowly gather clues to put together the puzzle that made everything come together in the end. Through it all, the audience would be in suspense, enjoying the fright and the mystery, soaking a twisted story up into their minds. Final Cut was nothing like a classic Hitchcock. We weren't scared for the main characters, because there was no character development to make us CARE about these college kids. We were not given clues that were gathered by a hero throughout the picture, slowly putting the pieces of the puzzle together. Final Cut meanders aimlessly for 90 minutes, with many a pointless scene, until it tries to cram killer, motive, and plot into the LAST 4 FREAKING MINUTES OF THE MOVIE. ARGH! It's c**p! Completely and thoroughly, there is absolutely nothing to save this movie from the horror of itself. (Not even the charm and humor of Anthony Anderson, who should fire his agent after a sound beating)
Remember the Titans (2000)
Concerning the 1970's and Integration and this movie
Remember the Titans is one of the best movies of this year. As moving as it is inspiring, I'm not ashamed to admit to tearing up at one of the more dramatic points of the story. This movie is remarkable in the way it captured the atmosphere of 1971, when public schools were forced to integrate and the public protested in the streets. Tension between adults was taught to their children, who fought in the hallways at school, and as sad as is the idea of learned racism, it is a fact that our society has fought hard and well against. In this day and age we take integration for granted, and it is easy to forget the way things were just thirty years ago. Remember the Titans is about football, but not to the extent to which it is about people. It is about people learning to live together, overcoming their fears and mistrust to come together as a team and work together toward something great. During football camp, the head coach, played by Denzel Washington, the players are forced not only to play together, but also to room together and eat together. Through the course of the movie, the young men go from mistrusting and disliking each other to tolerating each other, and from that to even liking each other and loving each other. So many lines capture the spirit of this movie, lines that speak of looking at a man for his soul, not his color. I won't get into the nitty-gritty of moviemaking here; the directing, acting, writing, and general storyline are all pretty close to flawless. Remember the Titans is a thoroughly enjoyable tale, and one that speaks of a harmony that America still strives for today. I personally think that every person in America, especially those who are too young to remember those difficult days, ought to see this movie. It does a good job of teaching us a lesson without it coming across like propaganda. Remember the Titans will touch your soul.
Wonder Boys (2000)
Why Wonder Boys deserves two thumbs up
Wonder Boys is a superb piece of craftsmanship that has earned a place in this critic's heart as one of my favorite movies. It is down to earth and very real. It is probably too real for most critics and moviegoing babyboomers out there, but that does not detract from how good this film is. Critics and much of the moviegoing public will not like this movie because it is too real for them to enjoy. This movie's got booze, drugs, implied homosexual sex, and a transvestite. Too many critics would be afraid to affix a seal of approval on a movie that contains such articles of scandal as these, but this critic isn't. This movie is all about real life, and about how one man helps others through rough times while he himself is helped in return through one of the most difficult parts of his life. The only bone I have to pick with the movie is the fact that I wanted Katie Holmes to get naked. It's rated R so they could've done it, but they didn't.
Bring It On (2000)
A note on the unforgivable scene
Bring It On sends itself to hell in one scene that cannot be redeemed by anything else the movie might do during the next ninety minutes. In the offending scene, a dance instructor proceeds to tell the girls that they ought to skip a few meals so that their bodies will consume fat and perhaps decrease the size of a few rear ends. Now while the writers might have thought this would bring on chuckles and giggles, and the directors might have passed over this material without a second thought, it is not at all something that ought to be fed into the minds of young American girls. Young teens are already depressed enough with their bodies after reading Teen Magazine and Seventeen and YM, and seeing every model and actress on television with a "perfect body." We don't need this movie to tell millions of girls to starve themselves, informing them that they'll be doing themselves some good.