Twilight_Wraith Reviews

Looper (2012)

more like "Blooper"

[4/10 · 30 September 2012]

The stunning reviews this movie has gotten has me absolutely baffled. I am serious. There's a big part of me that's wondering why? Why is this movie getting such great reviews? I was wondering that before... and AFTER I watched it.

This movie is stupid. The time travel logic is broken, it's dumb, and it's so confusing that if you're thinking about what's going on at all... you are in severe danger of breaking your brain.

Just because it's something kinda new doesn't make it original or refreshing. The premise is only a few angles askew from something like Back to the future, Terminator or Star Trek.

Seriously... little to nothing made sense to me. I am just mad as hell that crap like this gets so much praise when it's not very good to begin with.

Avatar (2009)

All eye candy and little else

[1/10 · 20 December 2009]

I had high expectations going into Avatar. Now I admit, it's probably stupid to go into any movie with expectations that are too high, lest they be crushed. However, even without high expectations, Avatar impresses only on a technical level, and on that level only. The story is very predictable, and as I watched this movie I was overcome with a feeling as if I had seen this all before in something in a made for TV movie on SyFy. This is pretty bad considering this is the same guy who made The Abyss and Terminator. I can only say that if you go see this movie, expect beautiful visuals... and a standard humdrum story that you've seen before if you follow any number of science fiction TV shows or just sci-fi in general. Oh, and if this is the 22nd century, why are they still using manually propelled wheelchairs?

Serenity (2005)

At best... mediocre

[1/10 · 31 August 2008]

I don't know what hold Joss Whedon has over his fans, but he has made the most dull and shallow characters i've ever seen in the film Serenity. Apparently a girl is holding a secret and that secret is... too mind-numbingly uninspired to tell. Yes, she kicks ass and there are "revears" who go around killing everybody. There are space battles to be sure but mostly every action scene is a fist in the face knockdown drag out that is a veritable yawn each time. Who is this assassin anyway sent to kill these rebels? Who cares anyway? He's like the rebels. He's got no personality and he's about as deep as a kiddy pool. The story is suitable for movie of the week, but not a theatrical film. The characters are all stereotypes and argue way too often. I'll tell you right now that Joss Whedon strove for scientific accuracy when it comes to space physics and noises in the vacuum of it. Again, so what? This is called Science Fiction for a reason, because it doesn't follow the rules. If we wanted a completely scientifically accurate movie they'd call it "Science Fact". Joss Whedon really under thought this movie. He didn't spend enough time fleshing out the characters and writing a good enough story for the transition between TV show and theatrical movie. I expect better when people make the bold proclamation "This is one of the best science fiction movies ever!". Nope, not even close. I'd rather watch Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Don't bother with Serenity, it is remarkably boring.

The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

Transformers The Movie... enough said.

[10/10 · 10 December 2007]

21 years later, Transformers The Movie resides in the lists of cult favorites everywhere. Personally, I am one of the biggest G1 Transformers fans out there. Therefore my point of view is probably quite biased. But the fact is this movie has a huge cast of characters and an equally big list of famous actors portraying these characters. Michael Bay's Transformers, as good as it is still does not stack up to the classic film from 1986. If you're any kind of a Transformers fan, you'll find yourself smiling, getting goose bumps and even crying. What makes this movie so good is not just the intensely beautiful animation, great characters but also the dark tone and Vince Dicolas amazing musical score. There are some great lines in this movie and some new characters introduced. These plot details were interwoven to be introduced in episodes in season 3 of the original Transformers series. Nevertheless, the movie never stops being exciting, fun and incredibly enjoyable. This is a very fast 90 minutes and even if you're not a Transformers fan, you'll still enjoy this movie. The movie still has at least as big an emotional impact on me today as it did 21 years ago. It's one film that stands the test of time. As a Transformers fan, it's one of the best movies ever. As a movie critic, it's one hell of a great animated movie. Either way, you must see it at least once.

Beowulf (2007)

Beowoof

[1/10 · 9 December 2007]

This is a dog of a movie. I wasn't put off by the CG or Beowulf's bare, digitally rendered ass. No, what I did have a problem with is that the first hour of the film could have easily been summed up in a two to three minute minute montage. Instead, what we got was a pointless exercise with barely emotional characters, incredibly loud screaming and lots of pointless scenes of Beowulf sitting around doing nothing. In short, there is action in the movie to be sure, but it is very little. There is just far too much talking and not enough doing. Beowulf is not the deep and intriguing character he was portrayed as in the books. In this movie there is very little we know about his background. I don't think anyone will find themselves excited by seeing a naked CGI man jumping around fighting with a giant troll then meeting with Angelina Jolie, who is naked except for some gold paint. As for the climax? Well hopefully you were wise enough to not ignore my warning and not go see this mess. It's certainly not the worst movie ever by a very long shot, but considering it's potential, it could have been a lot better.

The Golden Compass (2007)

Should have been called "The movie where nothing happens"

[1/10 · 9 December 2007]

There's been a lot of controversy surrounding this movie. Well let me tell you right now the only controversy you should be concerned with is how bad this movie is. The story surrounds a young woman named Lyra, who agrees to travel in an airship with Nicole Kidman. Now, not only is Nicole Kidman's character one of the creepiest in the history of cinema, she's also psycho and hates when little girls still wear their hand bags in the house. The focus on Lyra really hurts the movie, as she is stereotypical and completely predictable. The young lady that portrays her is better than Jake Lloyd, but that's not saying much. Anyways, we meet some characters, some more characters, and each time new ones join it's like we have to sit through 5-10 more minutes of unnecessary and expository dialog that has no bearing on the story itself. In short, the movie wastes too much time with ancillary details and quickly loses focus on the story, only to take us on a very boring journey. You know what my Golden Compass is telling me? It's telling me "Stay away from this movie!"

Futurama: Bender's Big Score (2007 Video)

Disappointing

[4/10 · 29 November 2007]

The movie starts out very funny, and then gets less funny over the ensuing 90 minutes. In short, the movie is more preoccupied with emotional topics. It seems more bent on trying to satisfy all the fanboys who've wanted to see Fry and Leela get together. Of course I won't tell you if that happens or not. The plot is creative but it comes at the expense of all the main Futurama characters, who are all apparently dumb as rocks by opening spam e-mails and entering their private information for scammers to use to take over Planet Express. This made me angry because their personalities seem to oscillate between intelligent and stupid throughout the series and the movie. If they're going to act a way, they should stick within their own personal boundaries and not go outside their character. In doing so, I was very annoyed. Al Gore makes a cameo appearance and still rambles on, but he does make fun of himself(No, there are NO references to ManBearPig, although Eric Cartman's head does appear in a jar in one scene in the movie). Anyways, Lots of emotional stuff goes on with Fry befriending a narwhal, and the movies gags and comedy gets more generic by the minute. The movie limps to a very depressing and bitter end which I can only guess is supposed to have some meaning or message for us. Even more disappointing is that a lot of the characters seem to be somewhat incidental and don't serve much purpose. I must say though that even the hardcore may watch it 2 or 3 times but will eventually see past the first 10 minutes and just see a movie that was not very well written. It's got great emotional content, but the problem is that it severely overwhelms the comedy and action. I am super serial when I say that it's a movie only for the hardcore Futurama fans and even then I would only recommend a rental.

Death Proof (2007)

Problematic on every level

[3/10 · 21 October 2007]

Don't get me wrong, I am not offended by the blood and gore in the film. I want to say that the gore was actually kept to a minimum. What did offend me however is that there's way too much talking for the first 40 minutes of the film. This group of four girls talk and talk forever and ever about sex, drugs and alcohol. Finally, the movie starts to pick up steam and something finally happens. However, we are then introduced to yet ANOTHER group of four girls who are stunt women. We are forced to watch them drive about. They talk about sex, then they talk to one another about guns and sex in a diner, then they talk a farmer into lending them his car, then finally something happens. The last twenty minutes are dynamite. Problem is that it's too little, too late. The ending is quite kick-ass, but it seems to me the movie had to limp on and on just to get to that point. I was quite disappointed and unless you find inane babble about drugs and sex to be entertaining, I think you will be too.

Transformers (2007)

The greatest summer movie of all time

[10/10 · 5 July 2007]

Transformers, it's a movie that everybody has been very negative about ever since it was first announced. Once you see the movie, you'll find yourself enjoying it on every possible level. It's a lot of fun to watch. It's not a intellectual movie, it's not thought-provoking or deep. That's not the point, the point of the movie is to be complete 100% fun and enjoyment. The highlight of the film is Peter Cullen, who voices Optimus Prime and also does a voice-over for the very beginning of the film. He has a booming heroic voice that will send chills up and down your spine. The movies CGI is incredible, the jokes are not particularly fresh or new, but they are a lot of fun. You'll find yourself laughing throughout the film. There are a lot of moments to cheer during the movie. Whether you are new to Transformers or are a total G1 fanatic, you'll love this movie. The only way you won't enjoy this movie is if you enter the movie expecting it to be bad. In any case, you will leave completely entertained and blown away, because after this film Hollywood will be hard-pressed to make anything bigger.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006)

Great entertainment

[10/10 · 23 July 2006]

MSEG is never dull, never boring, and best of all it's never gross, except for the joke at the beginning about a man wishing he could "orally gratify" himself. It also has more of a story to it than you saw in the movie trailer. It also manages to remain entertaining and thoroughly entertaining throughout! Uma Thurman is an absolutely beautiful and delightful woman, she is great as super heroine g-girl, as for the other supporting characters they are there to be there since all or most of our attention ought to be focused on Uma. Anyways, the movie plays out like any other great Ivan reitman film. This movie is not like Evolution, but is closer to "Ghostbusters" in the fine tradition of that great humor.

Bewitched (2005)

A crime against humanity

[1/10 · 12 January 2006]

The original Bewitched TV show was charming and occasionally funny. The Movie Version however is neither funny and barely manages to squeak out an inkling of charm, even from the beautiful Nicole Kidman, who doesn't help this movie one bit. Will Ferrell is even worse as he makes facial expressions and movements that may make 2 year old children laugh until their sphincters fail, but the fact is Will Ferrell will neither make you laugh but his horrible comedic talent and the fact that he was paid will over a million dollars for being in this film alone will probably make your sphincter fail. Oh well, at least he's not dancing around in a gay irishman's outfit. But dammit Bewitched is horrible and in my opinion they should find a way to prosecute Nora Ephron for crimes against humanity in regards to this lame-ass movie. It's not fun, it's not fun-NY and it's sure as freaking hell not even remotely resembling anything entertaining!!!!

Leprechaun (1992)

The legend of the friendly sweet Leprechaun!

[1/10 · 9 March 2005]

Leprechauns are sweet little guys of Irish myth who love to bring presents and joy to everyone! They're so nice that they'll probably rip out your eyes and show them to some girl! Leprechauns are so nice, ESPECIALLY when you steal their gold and stick it up your buttocks and go "AHHHHH!!! Look at me! I'm having a gold enema!!! WOO WEEEE!!!". Anyways, the Sweet Leprechaun(Very accurately portrayed with startling realism by Warwick Davis) enchants a family with his good looks and wonderful charm by grabbing their genitals and threatening to kill them! Then he shows his lovely charm and Irish charm by killing people, then some more people! It's a wonderful ride for the whole family! Don't miss it!

Agent Cody Banks (2003)

Embarrassingly terrible.

[1/10 · 25 February 2005]

I suppose all kids fantasize about being secret agents, I know I did when I was about three years old. However, Frankie Muniz was 18 when he made this movie, now that's what I call stunted development. Agent Cody banks is so full of shame you'll be embarrassed to watch this movie. I was obliged to when I was stuck over at my girlfriend's house and her nephew forced us to watch Agent Cody Banks. Fortunately, I had not eaten 10 hours prior to watching this movie, so there was no chance of me vomiting all over the place. Let's get this nice and sparkling clear, both Hilary Duff and Frankie Muniz are repulsive human beings, with not an ounce of musical talent or half a wit between them. I can only address their raucous popularity being due to the fact that they "are cute" and thought of "as cute" by children between the ages of 5 and 12. Outside of that range, I cannot understand how these two repulsive little Gollums could have any appeal. Hilary Duff basically does... nothing, she stands there and smiles through her millions of surgically applied collagen fibers hoping that they won't break and a line will form on her face. Frankie Muniz has the look of a kid who has a dog that drinks from a toilet. He is a very untalented individual, whose only saving grace is he has excellent hearing and can follow direction with the best of Hollywood child actors. Frankie can easily be obnoxious, which in all likelihood is an astonishing parallel to his own life. Frankie saves the world from idiots, which if you can call that an accomplishment makes for quite possibly the worst movie i've ever been forced to endure. But at least Angie Harmon is easy on the eyes. Don't expect to laugh, be entertained unless you are younger than Frankie Muniz or immature enough to think that a caffeine eyed teen can save the world because the bad guys are stupider than your typical 18 year old kid.

Action Jackson (1988)

one of the best action movies ever!

[10/10 · 25 January 2004]

There is not a movie in the world like "Action Jackson". The very Charismatic Carl Weathers plays Jericho "Action" Jackson and attempts to kick the ass of evil white guy Peter Dellaplane (played by Craig T. Nelson). Comedy ensues throughout the entire movie with cheesy albeit HILARIOUS one-liners, jokes and just plain silliness especially in a scene in which Jackson pretends to be a crazy holy man to get himself out of big trouble. Carl Weathers redefines the term "Leading Man" in my opinion because he's such a cool, charming, charismatic and lovable character. Most of us guys out there, even white guys really want to be like him and wish most people would fear us even though were are really nice guys inherently, much like Action Jackson. There are some other excellent characters, like the big hulking black muslim bodyguard guy. Apparantly somewhere in the movie he changed his religion because he helps Action Jackson kick ass later in the film. The great part of the movie also is that most white guys in the film are not portrayed as utter morons, at least some of them. ;). The movie is pretty mindless, so that covers the action part, I would consider this to be a really great "action comedy" though, as it is funny, and it has action. I can promise this movie will be one hell of a time for you.

Space Mutiny (1988)

The movie that has everything and nothing, mostly nothing.

[1/10 · 14 January 2004]

Space mutiny possibly has the distinction of being the film with the most and most visibly horrendous continuity errors in the history of movies. First comes the notoriously famous scene in which a woman is shot dead, then two scenes later, the same woman is alive on the bridge of the ship. The other I am referring to is when a nerdy looking guy with a british, jamaican, aw hell I don't know what accent he has, it oscillates so damn much. Anyways he's the first railing kill casualty in the entire movie, he hits the floor and his glasses fall off. Then we cut to Commander Calgon laughing like a dope, then cut back to the dead guy, and oops, his glasses are back on his face!!!!!!!!!!! Two glaring continuity errors. I think the only other MST3K movie that shared such an obvious flaw was of course, "The Girl in Gold Boots". That is of course a movie which is on par with Space Mutiny in terms of how disgustingly gross and horrible both these movies are. Anyways the worst performer of Space Mutiny was Reb Brown, who acts like a beefy, smelly, screaming-woman- like-body-builder guy. His only talent lies in his ability to scream like a woman. I can't believe that this movie did not get in trouble for stealing 90% of it's "Special effects" from Battlestar Galactica. Anyway, this movie should go to hell, but if you've seen it, you already know that.

Teenagers from Outer Space (1959)

Not the worst movie on MST3K... but still very bad

[5/10 · 17 August 2003]

There have been bad movies i've seen, oh and believe me i've seen almost every one of them on Mystery science theater 3000. "Teenagers from outer space" is quite laughable and stupid. It is however not the worst movie on MST3K. The Laughable comes in the form of not even trying to disguise the props! The worst and first instance that makes this movie too stupid for it's own good comes when these "Teenagers from outer space" put this device on the ground, there is a close up during the movie that reveals that on the device, it says "Multichannel Mixer"!!!!! Then they talk about their animals named "Gargons" using earth as a grazing ground. It is quite obvious however to even the most retarded of individuals that the Gargons are actually just your common, everyday lobster. No one even bothered to disguise that fact! And despite the utter stupidity on the part of writers, directors, prop guys, and so on that those obvious things just went right by! Of course you must also take into account this movie was filmed in 1959, of course that is still no excuse for technical incompetence. I tell you though although they screwed up on those things, it's quite apparant to me that they had a very large budget for faux human skeletons. The story is almost fairly decent, and that is the only thing going for this whole mess of an antique wanna-be sci-film.

Clear and Present Danger (1994)

Great Clancy novel brought to life.

[10/10 · 7 August 2003]

I have to say that ALL of the Clancy novels that were made into films, with the exception of "The Sum of All Fears" were brought to life as great films. Harrison Ford reprises his role as Dr. Jack Ryan, who is forced in this film to step into the shoes of Admiral Greer, who is dying. While there is a lot of each characters personal lives carefully inserted into the film, it NEVER ceases to be clever and interesting. It's much better to watch than any senseless action picture with Bruce Willis or your wimpy little Ben Affleckish character. The film is perfectly balanced so that there is not a single boring scene in the picture. The wheels are constantly turning to make sure something dramatic is happening to really draw you further into the picture. I recommend this movie as well as it's two predecessors, "The Hunt for Red October", and "Patriot Games". Both of which are equally brilliant.

Columbo: Columbo and the Murder of a Rock Star (1991) Season 10, Episode 3

Great Episode!!!

[10/10 · 4 August 2003]

Columbo always has a reputation for being a very clever and witty murder mystery series. Columbo is not perfect, has instances where he is incredibly disorganized, then later his thoughts will be completely organized. This is the part of his great charisma and charm. I find him to be a very funny and likable guy. Episodes of Columbo where the Murderer seems to have all his or her bases covered seem to be the best episodes. Dabney Coleman's character seems to have committed the perfect murder in this episode "Columbo and the murder of a rock star". Dabney Coleman plays a very rich lawyer (who has NEVER lost a murder case) who is threatened by his rocker girlfriend. Of course This Rich lawyer guy kills his girlfriend, Columbo gets suspicious and of course his suspicions inevitably lead to the Lawyer! Ah but the Lawyer comes up with a last minute airtight alibi! Then Columbo proves the alibi to be false! How? Oh no you've gotta watch it to find out! I'll never tell!

The Dead Zone (2002–2007)

oh my God, this is good!!!!!

[9 April 2003]

Anthony Michael Hall??? You mean that kid from "The breakfast club" and "Weird Science"???? Who would believe it huh? But the fact of the matter is he is PERFECT as Johnny Smith, he's got the same look Christopher Walken had in the original 1983 movie. Not only is Mr Hall damn good, but he's Dead on... Pun Intended. The stories of the series have been compelling, surprising and fascinating! They have followed the pattern of the movie but with surprising and different twists. The series is awesome, check it out!

The Core (2003)

Core Blimey! The box office says it all for once!!!

[1/10 · 1 April 2003]

HAh! in it's Opening weekend "The Core" made 12 million bucks. What does this portend? It means people are no longer interested in implausible and stupid disaster movies that are so bad that even Irwin Allen would be disgusted!!! Maybe now they'll stop wasting 999 gajillion dollars on computer generated monkeys flying around shooting painted window ladders at each other and make something good for once!! the movie sucked, by the way, it's your typical disaster flick with a half-assed everything.

Die Another Day (2002)

Awful load of crap

[1/10 · 18 March 2003]

Once again, Pierce Brosnan plays James Bond. Unfortunately as James Bond... HE SUCKS! He's always Sucked since his debut in "Goldeneye". Why does he suck? It's because he's performing stunts and feats that are IMPOSSIBLE even for James Bond. Watch "Dr. No", "From Russia With Love", sometime. They were great intellectual spy movies that did'nt rely on gaudy special effects and were intelligent, witty, and clever. However with "Die another day", again the double entendre and innuendos fly again. Why were people impressed with this movie? The truth is they were'nt impressed with this movie, they were impressed with the computer generated special effects and "stunts" performed by stunt doubles who are far braver than Pierce and have 100 times his talent. Pierce's tone throughout all the films has been the same, he has always been this blase pile of nothingness spewing suggestive lines and quips that don't do the James Bond franchise justice. Halle Berry is very impressive in that she sports a very nice body. Otherwise, she is as talented as a brick. Avoid it and ignore what everyone else says.

Patriot Games (1992)

Very Intense and fascinating thriller

[10/10 · 17 March 2003]

Of all the books that were made into movies from Tom Clancy novels, this is the best. Harrison Fords portrayal of Jack Ryan is absolutely excellent. Unlike the movies he has been in in the past 5 years, he actually emotes in this one. His acting is absolutely top notch. Anne Archer does a very good job playing Jack Ryan's wife, Cathy Ryan. Jack Ryan runs into trouble when saving some people from a terrorist attack, kills the brother of IRA terrorist Sean Miller, portrayed with frightening accuracy and intensity by Sean Bean.

Unfortunately, Jack Ryan did not Realize that Sean Miller would come after him and his family for revenge. Thus ensues a very tense and emotional battle of wills and physical strenth. Sean Miller, whose motives are not those of the IRA. Throughout the movie Sean Miller takes his terrorist buddies out and tries to kill Jacks family with their aid. What we've got here is a fascinating and intense political thriller. Even better, the supporting actors do a great job of rounding off the cast of this terrific movie. Which features an excellent story, great dialogue and a MINIMUM of awful 3 billion dollar cray generated special effects. I highly recommend it for the spy thriller afficionado who's sick of the cheesiness of your typical james bond flick.

Dennis the Menace Strikes Again! (1998 Video)

The best Dennis the Menace movie ever!

[15 December 2002]

I must admit, I liked this direct to video film. George Kennedy and Don Rickles are fun to watch in this movie. The good thing is Dennis is not an obnoxious, disgusting kid who's obsessed with gross pranks and such. Instead, one annoying thing Dennis does during the movie is turn carwashing soap into cotton candy. Not necessarily funny, but at least I can keep down my meal while watching the movie. Of course that is until Carrot top comes into view in the film. The film features Golden Girl alumnus Betty White as Mrs. Wilson, and some other people you've never even heard of before. How exciting! HUH? HUH???

DuckTales (1987–1990)

Best Disney Cartoon Series ever

[9 November 2002]

Perhaps one of the reasons I like Ducktales so much is because of it's silliness and goofiness. But of course the characters are what made the show. Each one had a distinctive set of personalities, Scrooge the capitalist tycoon, his 3 nephews who are always getting into and somehow out of trouble. They're always somehow getting mixed up in silly adventures. The attitudes are perfectly balanced though, it's not necessarily what a character does that's funny, it's how they carry theirself and how they react to things. The contrasting personalities for each character makes this a great, fun show to watch anytime you're bored and need a smile on your face.

The Last Don (1997)

Come on, was'nt that bad!

[9/10 · 23 September 2002]

As a fan of The Godfather movies, it was inevitable that I would have to view The Last Don someday. I must be honest I actually thought it was pretty compelling. Don't get me wrong, this isn't the Godfather. But however it is in my opinion much better than Godfather Part III. Which I guess is not saying much but there you have it. I am a big fan of Joe Mantegna which probably makes me somewhat biased. Danny Aiello makes a great Don. Jason Gedrick is at least very likeable in his role as Cross. It has some of the elements of the Godfather films, which helps it out a lot. Emotional things, entanglements, killings, trials, acquittals even though there were 300 witnesses to the murder. ;)

It is somewhat gripping. And I must say I think it's worth buying on VHS if you want another Godfather story. I will say this again it's nowhere near as good as Godfather or Godfather part II, but it's very compelling and interesting as a look into a lifetime of a mafia family.