windupatheist Reviews

Behemoth (2011 TV Movie)

Plodding and dull.

[15 January 2011]

Sci-fi... ahem... Syfy's low-budget monster movies often manage to be at least mildly amusing in a "We're so bad it's good and we know it!" sort of way. Behemoth, on the other hand, takes itself too seriously to be fun, but isn't good enough to be... well... good.

You never feel like the world is in danger or particularly care about any of the characters. It just plain fails to engage on any level. The actors are all pretty competent, that's about the best I can say for it. None of them has anything interesting to do though.

The one character who dies (well, that we're expected to care about, at least) may as well have had a sticker on his forehead that said DEAD MEAT from his first scene onward. You'll know him when you see him. Then again, maybe you won't. Avoid.

The Librarians (2003)

Stupidly watchable.

[24 November 2006]

Thank Zeus for B movies, a realm where the 80's never died. A place where elite do-gooder mercenaries, secret underground death-matches, and cops who play by their own rules all live on. I don't think Strike Force had any cops who played by their own rules, but then it wasn't a cop movie. I'm sure if it was, it would, if you catch my drift. It's that sort of flick.

Anyway, despite being terrible, I couldn't stop watching this movie. William Forsythe (who also has a writing credit for this one) manages to convey more gravity than the movie deserves, and the forgettable plot chugs along at a reasonable pace with such blithe absurdity that you can't look away.

Some guy: "I don't even know your names."

William Forsythe, with utter and complete seriousness: "We're called the Librarians."

I can't explain it. You'll have to see it. I almost fell out of my chair laughing. This inspired a bit of an exchange between my dad and I as we watched.

"We're... the Caterers!" "We're the Beauticians!" "We're called the Veterinarians!"

Anyway, if you find this on cable or you're hard up for something to rent, go ahead and give this a shot. It's dumb, but it's more amusing than it should be.

The Order (2001)

Weird, but amusing.

[16 October 2003]

This was an odd little flick, far from a classic but well-worth the cost of a rental. It could have quite easily been a totally unredeemable piece of crap, but Van Damme manages to pull it through with some decent action and even a little humor. Come on, it has Jean-Claude Van Damme disguised as an Orthodox Jew, complete with a fake beard and little rabbi hat. You know you want to rent it.

Out for a Kill (2003 Video)

Unintelligible.

[24 August 2003]

First off, let me state that I happen to LIKE Steven Segal. This movie, though... This movie may be the worst thing I've EVER seen. The plot isn't just predictable or preposterous, it's downright incoherent. Characters appear and disappear for no reason, scenes begin and end at random, and nothing that happens makes any sense at all.

For example: Segal's cellmate in Chinese prison is a black American man, who talks just like he's from the ghetto, and has been convicted of smuggling marijuanna across the border from Kazhakstan. Hmm. Any decent writer could probably cook up a brief but interesting story, explaining how a guy from the hood ended up running drugs in Central Asia. A decent writer could, but not the writers of "Out For a Kill." Instead we cut away for two minutes, and when we cut back, Segal and his cellmate have somehow become the very best of friends. As Segal is being set free, his dear friend shouts out "Don't forget me! Please, don't forget me!" Naturally, this guy is never seen, heard from, or mentioned ever again.

It's all downhill from there. The film cuts to a car chase in progress, for example, with no explanation before or afterward of what caused it to take place. In another scene, Segal walks into a barbershop and kicks the crap out some evil Chinese barbers, but we never find out who they were or what clobbering them was supposed to accomplish. People appear on at least three different continents, sometimes several continents per day according to the day/time text that appears between some scenes, yet we never get a single scene taking place at an airport or in a taxi.

Then, of course, there are all the traditional problems of a bottom-rung production like this. The fights stink, everything looks cheap, characters have no personality, and the acting is just awful. We're supposed to care that Segal's wife has been murdered, but how can we, when the movie only gave her one or two lines of dialogue before killing her? We certainly don't feel sorry for Segal's character. His acting is now so terrible that he can't even portray anger convincingly, much less grief. He simply sits there like a cigar-store Indian, and mutters some of the worst "threatening" dialogue in modern film history.

(Compare this to Jean-Claude Van Damme's surprisingly nuanced performance as a childlike clone in his direct-to-video movie Replicant, if you want to see an action guy who can at least make a convincing display of emotion.)

Anyway, this movie wasn't even bad in a fun way. It was horribly pretentious and nonsensical, unworthy of renting even for a laugh. As I said at the beginning, this is quite possibly the worst movie I have ever seen.

Restless Spirits (1999 TV Movie)

Accomplishes what it sets out to do.

[15 August 2002]

This movie wasn't put together to win an Oscar, or profoundly move anyone, or blow anybody away with special effects. It's a low-budget "family" type film that succeeds in it's modest goals. The performances won't leave you stunned, but they're certainly not terrible either. The plot isn't revolutionary, but it is fairly novel. What few special effects there are don't amaze, but they don't make you groan either. Altogether, a fairly forgettable but nevertheless likable production.

Cold Hearts (1999)

A mixed bag.

[27 January 2002]

I'm not sure what I think of this movie. It's definitely low-budget, but I did find myself watching the whole thing without even meaning to. The writing and dialogue were good, and the movie had a very particular atmosphere to it. Part of that atmosphere is lifted from The Lost Boys, which this pays homage to, but part of it was... something else. I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's the fact that these vampires felt like real people. They seemed like people you might know, only with some unusual problems.

The acting was pretty decent. It took me a while to figure out that the suicidal anorexic vampire was actually the Pink Ranger from that terrible old Power Rangers show. The lead, Marisa Ryan, did a pretty good job in particular. The only real weak spot was the guy who played Seth. It wasn't so much bad acting on his part as it was a matter of miscasting. He just had way too much boy-next-door "aw shucks" goofyness to him.

The only really bad part of this movie was the special effects. I guessed what Seth was early on, and the whole time I was waiting for him to dramatically reveal himself in a cool sort of way. When it finally happened, it looked so bad I almost fell out of my chair. Totally killed the moment.

Anyway, not a bad flick if you're looking for an inexpensive little horror movie with some decent characters.