simon.conder Reviews

Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985)

A RARELY SEEN CLASSIC

[8/10 · 7 April 2022]

I loved Remo: Unarmed & Dangerous when it came out and I watched it last night which is probably the first time I have watched it in 25 years.

What really stands out are the strunts and stunt work that is clearly done all for real and not on a green screen sound stage. When Remo is on the ferris wheel in many of the shots that really is Fred Ward and the same for the Statue of Liberty.

I am bored stiff with fake looking, plastc green screen GCI effects and watching Remo: Unarmed and Dangerous is exactly why.

Next time I watch it will not be in another 25 years time I can tell you.

The Abominable Snowman (1957)

FOR SOME REASON I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS FILM UNTIL LAST NIGHT

[8/10 · 5 November 2018]

I am, along with millions of other people of all ages worldwide, a life long love films from this time such as THEM, The Day The Earth Stood Still, The Thing and a handful of British classics such as The Abominable Snowman.

For some reason I have never seen, or don't recall seeing, this British classic of the time and genre. Just like The Thing it is set in a freezing cold inhospitable part of planet Earth. That is all good genre elements.

However, what really impressed me was the 30 seconds or so where you see the real live Snowman. It has to be one of the most genuinely creepy scenes that I have ever seen. Its so simple and yet so powerful.

Its this as good as The Day The Earth Stood Still or the Thing? For me that has to be a no but that reveal is just pure cinematic magic 100% devoid of course of the rubbish CGI that time after time ruins modern films.

Alien: Covenant (2017)

Alien...a lien

[3/10 · 23 July 2017]

When I was 19 I went to see Alien at the Odeon Leicester Square. In fact I persuaded 10 work colleagues to see if with me as I was so excited about what I had read about the film and the limited visuals that I saw in the great but now dead publication Omni. The film dazzled me and still does. H.R. Giger's brilliance was magnified by the production team to create a true and enduring classic.

When I was 26 I took my wife of 2 years to see Aliens. One became many with the vile creatures doing their worst but losing to Ellen Ripley in the end. Aliens did what few sequels ever do match or exceed their creator. Aliens built on Alien and I was so captivated that we (with the full approval of my wife) named one of our two daughters Ellen.

Then came the plateau of Alien 3 and the inevitable nose dive of ideas and on screen potency. With each passing film they mean less and less to me. Yes some of the planet visuals look fantastic and yes the space ships in space look great but in an inverted manner as Aliens was more than Alien Alien Covenant is less than Prometheus and that is something that I never thought possible.

I have asked myself "is it my age and am I now less prepared to let go and engage with a story and to wind wonder and depth and value in a film". The answer to that is 100% "no". So no it is not my age but I am sure that I know what it is.

So here is what I suggest. That the millions of fans globally of Alien and Aliens take "a lien" out that prevents Ridley Scott and anyone attached to Prometheus and Covenant ever having any association with any Alien project again ever. To quote Ellen Ripley in Aliens "you don't see them f@@king each other over for a goddamn percentage".

Prometheus was bad but Covenant is worse because it is crass and lumpen and a pale and distant shadow of the two brilliant films that allowed such a travesty to occur. I watched Covenant once and I don't think that I will ever watch it again.

To paraphrase from the end of Alien "this is me, aged 58 signing off from the Alien franchise. I blew you out of the goddamn airlock and you are dead and lost forever". When you have lived longer than Ellen Ripley drifted through the core system in hyper-sleep you learn a thing or two. Let's stop this from ever happening again. Let's take a lien over Alien and nuke this franchise from orbit...it's the only way.

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)

Why was this not a huge hit?

[9/10 · 14 April 2008]

I found this film totally by accident.

What a great idea and so very well executed. I have no idea at all why this was not a huge genre hit if only for the enjoyment of working out all the references (some very obvious, some less so)to past genre films. But just saying that would be to take so much away from the film.

I can't recommend this highly enough. From the first surprise to the last it keeps you thinking and guessing.

Yes it was made on a very small budget, yes there are elements that could be more polished but they are very very small and insignificant points when compared with the sum of the parts.

I don't think I have ever given a film 10 out of 10 so the fact that I have it as a 9 for me means that its pure class.

Mr. Brooks (2007)

Fantastic

[9/10 · 5 February 2008]

I have just watched Mr Brooks.

What a fantastic film. Just fantastic.

Don't mess about, get to watch it as soon as possible. You wont be disappointed.

Great performances from everyone. Mr Smith was very good.

Ms Moore, one of her very best.

Big Kevo. I see him in a totally new way after this.

Direction was like chilled oil. Achingly slow in parts which just adds to the pressure.

Love the photography. Dark and greasy.

The Driller Killer (1979)

Virtually unwatchable...but

[27 July 2007]

I have this on DVD now.

It was one of those films that passed I think into the urban myth category. That is very much the case in the UK. But I would say that it borders now on the painful to watch. However, under all that I can see and feel the passion behind the film. And for that reason maybe it can be and should be seen as more than the sum of its parts. I would say that the comments of the director on the directors track are a hoot.

God bless Mr F' but its not in the league of Texas Chainsaw in my view. It would have been great to have been on set as a casual observer. Just to get the feel of the director and crew.

The Fog (2005)

Diamond into coal

[14 October 2006]

I have just watched the new version of The Fog.

Oh my but this is just no good at all. The Fog for a lot of horror fans of differing ages is seen as a classic and I was lucky enough to see it when it was first released in the UK.

Even better when I came out of the cinema I found that there was a thick fog to go home in. Spooky eh

But this one is just a pale imitation. Other than the mayor being forced along by Blake the original with its tiny budget is just so very much better.

No wonder it seemed to come and go at cinemas here in the UK.

As for the music. I know that style moves on but it could have done with picking up some of JC great mood music as well as the odd mix of music that was chosen because of budget limitations.

The Magician: Pilot (1973) Season 1, Episode 0

It still stands up

[7/10 · 17 April 2006]

After a long long long search I have found the entire two season run of The Magician on DVD.

It was rather odd to sit and watch a TV show that I had such fond memories of from way back in the 1970's.

I have to say that I found the series to still work in many respects. I still loved the music and the opening sequence (first year), I still love the car and the magic.

What is clear watching back to back episodes is that the winning format of the early episodes to me was far too quickly dropped and in so many ways the show went into decline. Some of the episodes are rather tedious with even the magic not lifting them. But all that goes away when the show comes together.

In this day and age of CGI what a cool idea it was that 100% of the magic was real and not fake.

I am really pleased to have tracked down this show from the 1970's. Bill Bixby was always an interesting actor and this show proves.

Land of the Dead (2005)

I am not sure, what do you think?

[31 December 2005]

Sadly I missed Land of the Dead at cinemas so I have been gagging to watch it on DVD. I did that finally last night.

I am not sure if this is a slow burn, really grow on you film or just something that is not really good enough. Its easy in some ways to look at Day OTD though younger eyes when I first saw it. But with Land, it kind of felt not right somehow.

I did like that fact that Big G has moved the genre on with the dead getting kind of smart but I am thinking that it did not have that nasty edge of the older films. Bt maybe that is the point.

What do you think?

Sideways (2004)

What a total delight

[25 August 2005]

I missed Sideways when it came out (working too hard on my own projects) but I finally saw it yesterday

What a total delight. So funny, sharp and painful.

Simply wonderful in my humble view. There were a few editing gaffs but that just added to the feel of the film I felt.

Great photography that in many places looked a lot like England.

Great acting in that wonderful lower budget downbeat way.

Killer lines.

Saying things that other films just don't dare to say.

Love the wine gags and I am sure that that terrible place must be out there somewhere.

This is the kind of film that could have been made in Kent, Surrey and Sussex in England where we have a lot of very snotty wine types.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)

Somebody hold my nose for me while I type

[20 August 2005]

I saw this film for the first time last night on British TV.

I had heard and read that it was bad but I really think that that is an understatement.

How can a film this bad have been made. From the comic opening credits to the totally dismal end.

One of my favorite sayings in relation to film is "catching lightening is a bottle". The TCM 1 was lightening. Yes it has its faults but the first hour is antastic, but this. Now I know why Ms Zelwegger refuses to ever talk about it or be asked about it.

What a total disappointment

Saw (2004)

What a let down

[3/10 · 26 February 2005]

What a total let down.

I thought that this would be a little gem. A real nasty, hard edged low budget wonder.

Its been a while since I got so angry at a film and had to fight from fast forwarding. Great start, great idea but let me tell you if you are caught by someone who is clearly bonkers you put a bullet into them darn quick. You don't talk to them.

Guess the script needed more work.

On the good side I loved the simplicity of the film in terms of its sets and the core of the idea.

Does that mean that we will have a sharper Saw sometime next year?

Baretta: He'll Never See Daylight (1975) Season 1, Episode 1

I totally agree

[4 July 2004]

This is one of those American TV shows that I just loved. I can only remember parts of the show but I know that it was good. Great music as well. I remember that Baretta had a parrot or the like. I also liked Robert in Electra Glide in Blue.

This is one show that MUST come back to TV or at the very least DVD. It had and has real character and that funky kind of 70's feel to it.

It is really sad to find out that Robert has sunk so low and has found himself on hard times and eve in gaol as I understand. I guess its something of a paradox given that he played a lot of policemen in the past. I have an Electra Glide in Blue LP cover framed at home. I remember that Frank Furillo had one in his office in the show Hill Street Blues.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Am I just getting old or what

[24 June 2004]

For me the TCM of 1974 really did pack a punch and it still does. Other than the fact that it has started to age it is full of really odd charactsers.

Spin forward a few years and you can clearly see that just a little tooooooo much money was spent on this film. I felt that the music was just a bit too much and just not weird enough. I did love the fact that you had the same narrator and the DP.

But for me it just did not do it in the end. Love the feeling of the group feeling out of control but old Leatherface just did not seem his usual bizairre vicious self.

Still, it was a very hard act to follow.

Above Us the Waves (1955)

A wonderful film

[20 June 2004]

This is yet another example of the fantastic films that Britain USED TO MAKE. Great acting, powerful direction and real emotion.

I saw in at the cinema a few weeks back and it really still packs a punch. I must get this one and others like the Cruel Sea on DVD.

If only we could make films like this again.

Why is it that we could make such great films 30 or 40 years back and now we have so many problems? Actually I think I know that answer to that one already.

I think that it would be interesting to remake this film but it would have to be made by a top flight director I think

M*A*S*H (1972–1983)

MASH STILL ROCKS

[12 April 2004]

In the UK the MASH series has been released on DVD.

I know that this is just opionon but I think that the show was and still is just amazing. So many times people in the UK think that Amercian comedy is to sweet and syrupy.

If that is the case MASH is the one that proves them all wrong. I used to watch the show as a teenager and loved it. At the end of series 3 Henry leaves and that is just so well written and well acted. That is one of the best testaments I could ever give to a TV show, you grow to love the character and personally I cried the first time and I cried again when I say it today.

It is a totaly fantastic show and it is clear why it ran for so long. I doubt that anything like this will ever be seen again.

Lost in Space (1965–1968)

ITS STILL A GREAT SHOW

[20 December 2003]

I have just been watching some of the early eppisodes again and I can't wait to get them on DVD.

To me this show still stands up. Great sets, great music (theme X 2 by John Williams). It is only in the later eppisodes that it gets silly. I must admit that I just love the black and white eppisodes.

I would kind of like to see this show made again but ONLY AS A STRICT 12 OR 24 EPPISODES. I think that could be really good but then again perhaps you can't make a magic show like this today.

Everytime I hear the theme music it takes me back to being a boy in south-east London in the 1960's.

Danger Will Robinson. Oh yes, I was also in love with Penny.

The Statement (2003)

ITS NEVER EASY

[22 November 2003]

Its really hard for me to be objective here since I have a number of clients that have invested into the film so in the end I hope that its both a good film as well as commercially successful.

What I would say is that we look for interesting films to finance, ones that have both artistic and commercial potential and I think that The Statement will have many of these qualities. Personally I am looking forward to seeing the finished version.

Onwards and upwards

Boiler Room (2000)

Dont Pitch The...

[10 September 2003]

What can I say but what a great small film. By small I mean efficient in the way it operates.

I love the performances and the way the narrative comes together. I can't think why this film is not better known. Giovanni was great and I think that Vin realy shone as the good bad guy.

I would dearly love to see more films like this. Glenn Garry, Glenn Ross, Tin Men, The Closer...I just think that selling and salesmanship is just a great area for films.

Don't Go Breaking My Heart (1999)

Totally dire

[7 September 2003]

What a dire film this is. Just terrible. Its a typicaly modern British film with terrible photography, lame use of music and zero charm.

What was Anthony Edwards and Linford Cjristie thinking. Please don't ever, ever, ever do anything like this again. 2 out of ten tops.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

What the hell happened

[30 August 2003]

I just saw T3 today and what can I say but "ughhh" The magic of Jim Cameron was clearly, blindingly missing. T2 was a huge step up from T1. But T3 was a similarly large step back.

Where was the imagination that T1 and T2 had. As for the effects. Yes most of them were good but not in the same way as T2 in its day. And where was the music of Brad Fidel. When you think T1/T2 you think of the Fidel march. Its like Spielberg without Williams.

Maybe I am getting old or something but this film just had nothing going on. I mean nothing: been there, seen it, done it, ALL OF IT and seen it done equally well or better elsewhere. Like the tooooooooo long truck chase.I guess the core of the problem is I can't think of many directors that could have stepped into the shoes of JC on a gig like this. I guess this is an example of the old adage "if it aint bust dont fix it". It was great and now its not.

If there is going to be a T4 (and I now doubt it despite the box office) then Jim Cameron has so be there in the directors chair.

And as for Sarah Connor (and my eldest dauhther is named after her). The way one of the greatest female heroines of the last 20 years was killed off. My god what a total and mind numbing waste.

Still, maybe I will wake up tomorrow and find that it is all a dream.

Harold and Maude (1971)

What a fantastic film

[10/10 · 30 August 2003]

I have to class this as a lost classic. I have only ever seen H&M once before on late night BBC2 TV in the UK in the 1980's. I remember loving it then but great news it is now available in the UK on DVD.

What can I say about this film other than its simply wonderful. Funny, touching, great music, great story. There is just so much to be gained from watching this film.

As for the acting. I think that Bud Cort and Ruth Gordon were mesmeric. The way she looks at him at times makes you think she was really coming onto him. And when she drops the bombshell at the end and he starts to shout...great editing.

And I just love the Jag hearse.

A film that should never ever be remade...ever.

If you want to live high live high eh!