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We Need to Talk About Kevin (2011)
Absolute rubbish
Completely unbelievable; reminds me of those working class dramas written by someone who has never been within a mile of a working class person!
The great "twist" is obvious virtually from the start, when the father and daughter are nowhere to be seen; and given the fact that Kevin is going to go on a school killing rampage (with a bow and arrow; wtf is that about? So the writer can claim she isn't exploiting the worst type of tragedy imaginable??)
Non-linear films can be brilliant in the right hands: this director succeeds only in confusing the viewer; perhaps to make up for the ludicrousness of the plot!
None of the characters are believable, the acting's rubbish, and the directions is woeful: please don't watch!
Armored (2009)
What a load of *******! Beware: many spoilers!
This could have been a really good film. 1st rate actors, good direction/cinematography etc but the plot really let it down. For starters, why was Ty even on the job? Why did no-one check the building was empty? Why did no-one keep an eye on the tramp instead of all jumping up and down and shouting at each other? How good is Matt Dillon's shooting to shoot the tramp from c. 30m whilst right next to Ty, his godson? Why did Ty, someone who's seen umpteen deaths in Iraq, decide to barricade himself in the van? He made a big deal of looking after his brother, but was prepared to go to jail for no reason? Why did he horn the cop; what did he think was going to happen when a lone cop confronted several armed men? Why didn't they finish the cop off before Ty miraculously got him into the van after the crooks, yet again, stood around shouting at each other while Ty sneaked out of the van, burned all of the money, and rescued the cop! Why would Dobbs help Ty call the cops, and lose the money and send himself to prison for murder? Why didn't they threaten to kill Dobbs if Ty didn't come out of the van? Why on Earth would Palmer, after killing his best friend, commit suicide instead of shooting Ty? Why would Ty be upset about this? How did Ty manage to make a bomb? Do all security vans carry those sorts of materials? Why was Jimmy, a "kid", played by someone who looked about 25? All in all, what a load of c*bblers!
The Godfather Part III (1990)
Disturbing
A man who lusts after a young relative, and boasts of 8 year old girlfriends! (Even if he was 15 at the time). Creepy in 1990 but in light of what we've seen from Hollywood subsequently...
And who in their right mind would try to seduce the daughter of The Godfather, when they are his nephew and her cousin!! And who would cast his own daughter in a story about an incestuous man lusting after his young relative?!? Especially one who can't act. I feel sorry for Sofia Coppola and it pains me to add to her hurt but her performance was weak.
The rest of the film also has numerous weaknesses eg killing a man with his own spectacles whilst armed bodyguards stand by (and didn't they do that in G1 or G2?), Pacino abSolutely wailing after (BIG SPOILER ALERT....) the death of his daughter, but not a single tear! The sloppy way his bodyguards work; the experienced Don Tommasino telling an assassin he recognises him: big surprise, the assassin assassinates him! Zasa sending assassins to kill Garcia... with knives! (maybe they should have used specs!); Pacino refusing to kill Zasa, or anyone else; gangster reforming and suddenly developing a conscience (no, it doesn't happen); Talia Shire suddenly turning into a cold blooded psychopath (no, that doesn't happen either!).... and too many others to remember!
Btw another BIG SPOILER ALERT: Pacino doesn't die! At least not in the Coda, can't remember the original. And what a horrible end for Sofia :( even in "serious" films, at my age I don't like to see children die :(
Beatriz at Dinner (2017)
Absolute rubbish
This film is supposedly a "comedy drama" but I didn't even smile, let alone laugh, during the entire duration.
Apparently, hospitals in America employ "healers" who can cure your cancer by holding their hands over your stomach and asking you to breathe deeply!!!
And this healer is invited to stay for dinner by a host who doesn't appear to have even an inkling that a psychic "healer" may be ever so slightly opposed to hunting (when she isn't curing cancer psychically of course; if only the medical industry knew about this, instead of using those dirty chemicals the rest of us call medicine).
Anyway, healer does object to nasty rich type hunting elephants and explains to him how horrible rich countries are and how wonderful Mexico is, where everybody eats sunshine and drinks rainbows and never has a day's illness or hardship in their lives.... then jumps into the sea, turns into a dolphin (presumably) and swims all the way back to paradise aka Mexico!
What a steaming pile of what elephants leave behind!
Interview with the Vampire (2022)
Not believable
At no point in the entire series did I ever get the feeling there was any sort of connection between Louis and Lestat; given that their attraction and relationship is the centre of the entire plot, this is a terminal weakness.
The addition of the child vampire makes no sense. The actress playing her did a terrible job of portraying her, though at least part of the blame must go to the writers and director. The actress was c. 18 but playing a 14 year old; but this was at a time when it was common for girls to be married at 14 yet she played her like she was a 5 year old brat! And no-one can know how a child trapped in a fixed age body would evolve as numerous scientists claim the brain physically changes into the 20s so merely being older wouldn't necessarily lead to the same sort of maturity normal people would undergo.
The ending also makes no sense. Why go to all those lengths only to leave Lestat alive? Because he was "confused"?!? What a load of BS! I suppose it leaves a path for the 2nd series but I for one won't be watching and, given how poor this was, I won't be watching Mayfair Witches either! Might give the film a go though, tho' I suspect Rice's writing is the core problem.
American Masters: No Direction Home: Bob Dylan (2005)
Don't waste your time
If, like me, you have no idea why old people go on and on (AND ON AND ON....) about Bob Dylan, this documentary will leave you no clearer! Which means 3.5 hours wasted! 3.5 hours!!
I think the reason Bob Dylan is so evasive about himself is that he realises the Emperor has no clothes on, and the best way to disguise that fact is to shroud himself in secrecy and mystery and thus appear mysterious, enigmatic, a Mystic even, when he is actually just an Empty Vessel :(
For those interested, from a different documentary, his inspirations (that I can remember) were/are: Woody Guthrie, Leadbelly, Tom Paley, Hank Williams, Johnny Cash, Jimmie Rodgers, Robert Johnson, Little Richard, Pete Seeger.
Eastern Promises (2007)
Amazing!
Wow! Now I know where I've been going wrong all this time; I always assumed we should report crimes, missing persons etc to the police but apparently your local doctor will solve the mystery all by herself because "she'll get lost in the care system" (or some similar load of old c*bblers to explain why the police aren't given the job of locating the dead girl's family. And if you like the cliched tormented closet gay trope, Cassell does a fine turn here. And what a surprise, the protagonist turns out to be an undercover cop; but wait there's more: the undercover cop becomes the head of the Russian mafia like some sort of reverse conspiracy thriller where the Reds/Mafia get their man in the White House. Anyway, I'm off to see my GP to report a burglary, though thanks to the cr*phole that is the NHS I haven't been able to see him since before the pandemic (or is it her, it's been so long I've forgotten!)
Naked (1993)
Pretentious, misogynistic rubbish!
This film starts off with the "hero" raping a woman and continues with this sadistic rapist beating, abusing and hurting women throughout the film... who then all fall in love with him! Mike Leigh would probably claim that this film is some sort of satire and that he is exposing misogyny rather than endorsing it but making the sadistic rapist the protagonist gives the lie to that claim. The dialogue is supposedly improvised which would explain why it is so clunky, poor and unbelievable; it reminds me of a posh person trying giving their impression of how the poor live and talk. To add insult to injury, Leigh adds another rapist/misogynist to the mix who women also find irresistible, especially after he has abused them! And at the end, the rapist hero hops all the way back to Manchester, presumably; God this film is awful!!!
Significant Other (2022)
Bizarre mix of horror and comedy
The first half an hour or so is not too bad as the the tension builds up but eventually that begins to drag as there's only so long two people walking and talking in the woods can remain interesting and suspenseful.
However, just when the movie should get interesting, it morphs into a bizarre blend of horror (with Maika Monroe doing her usual "terrified" bit) and comedy, when Jake Lacey starts acting in a comedy horror while Maika is still acting in a straight horror movie!
And, oh cliché of clichés, the alien finds he can't kill her because, like all aliens before him, going back at least as far as Star Trek, he discovers "love" (vomit emoji!) and wants to live happily ever after with someone who must be as alien to him as he is to her; this would be like a human falling in love with a dog! (Freaks aside!).
Once Upon a Time in... Hollywood (2019)
QT's worst film!
I'm afraid QT has lost it :(
Not only is this film boring, with little to none of the action and witty dialogue you'd normally expect from a QT film but it's in extremely bad taste to use such a terrible tragedy for entertainment, and an alleged "comedy" at that"
And to cap it off, creepy Quentin's creepy foot fetish goes into overdrive in this film! I don't know how the actresses let him get away with it, knowing what he'll be doing later whilst watching their naked feet!!!
The ending is obvious, if you've watched Inglorious Basterds, and in no way negates his exploitation of the terrible atrocity this film uses for entertainment!
Passengers (2016)
Terrible, mushy crap
Could have been interesting but ruined by soppy, mushy, sentimental, childish romanticism; an obvious plot line, and an obvious "twist".
Basically, a bloke wakes up early from "hibernation" (which would kill you long before 120 years, the supposed journey length; I think they meant suspended animation") on an inter-stellar spaceship and faces a lifetime alone. The next half hour drags on for an eternity! More gifted film-makers could have conveyed the passing of a year without making it seem like an actual year!
Finally, Lawrence makes an appearance when he wakes up this beauty; as soon as he does this, you already know she's going to find out. When he asks the "robot" not to tell her, you already know the robot will, being "logical" and all that, be the one to spill the beans when he misunderstands "human" communications (yawn) but the way they did it was so clumsy it actually made me groan out loud!
So far, so terrible: but it's about to go downhill! Finally there's some drama but it's so predictable (e.g. Fishburne will, very conveniently, die) that it ruins the little drama the film was able to conjure up!
How does a mechanical engineer know how to fix both computers and a fusion reactor?
We know Hollywood likes a happy ending, but boy did they drag out his death! How on earth did he survive a nuclear furnace venting into space? Oh, that's right, a door saved him!! But he was so violently expelled, the tether broke. But Lawrence went out but, oh what a surprise, she was just a few feet short, but, miracle number God only knows, his tether just happens to drift right in front of her!
So she brings him back and puts him in the pod... but he's dead. The pod won't resuscitate him without admin authorization! (who tf would program a pod to only resus a patient if there was a captain near by?!?) So, yet another surprise, she can't remember the 4 digit code Fish gave her (wouldn't that be the 1st thing you do with a command code, memorize it) and builds the tension until, what a shock, she remembers it!
Don't worry, there's more unlikely, but utterly predictable, BS to come! The medipod can be used for hibernation, but only for 1. Naturally Pratt offers it to JL who, obviously, turns it down... to spend the rest of her life with the person who condemned her to (near) solitary confinement for life!
Just a couple more questions tho'. If they had the command code and swipe card, from Fish, why didn't they wake one of the technicians so they could BOTH go back to sleep?
What happened when the 1st one died? How long was the other 1 alone? A good deal longer than the 1 yr & 3 weeks it took to drive Pratt insane the 1st time around!
Did they have contraception aboard, or did they just get lucky? Or use the withdrawal method? Or just spit or swallow?
Room (2015)
Please don't watch this shameless exploitation of real life tragedy
Shame on everybody involved in this film (apart from an innocent little child) for exploiting one of the most horrific stories I have ever heard in my life: the Josef Fritzl case. God only knows what his victims would make of this film (I hope to God they never see this pile of shameless, heartless, exploitative crap!).
They may try to convince you that they were telling an important story, they may even tell themselves that; but in truth they are no different to those sick tabloids/paparazzi (ironically, slated in the film) who stalk and terrorize victims of crimes such as Fritzl's to sell a few more newspapers!
And it's not even believable. Would "Old Nick", a rapist, who has kept a young girl imprisoned for 7 years, really just take her word for it that their child is dead, not unwrap the body, even after he's left the room and is alone with the "body" and then really take it "somewhere nice, with trees" instead of out in the woods, in the dead of night, or even just in his own backyard; what a pile of manipulative crap!!!
The Beach Bum (2019)
complete rubbish
Should have been called Adventures of a complete Dikk Ed! The only "comedy" was Martin Lawrence swimming with the dolphins, though unfortunately he lived, somehow! There was no story, no plot, no comedy! Just various incidents which weren't either funny or interesting and the low was when the so-called protagonist decided to bottle a disabled man to rob him. A completely unlikeable dikk Ed (perhaps that should have been the title!) who is supposedly a "genius" poet yet is dependent on his wife for money. And the tired old trope of the irresponsible parent and the sensible child who is the adult in the relationship: it's not funny, just unlikeable!
Die Hard (1988)
This is not a Xmas movie!
There seem to be 3 types of "Christmas" movie:
1. Those set at Xmas
2. Those set at Xmas and where Xmas is crucial to the plot.
3. Those that are actually about Xmas.
Personally I only count number 3 as a Xmas movie. If you believe number 1 qualifies a film as a Xmas movie, then Die Hard is one! But I don't think most people would.
Number 2 seems the most contentious: some people insist Xmas was integral to the plot but I don't agree; surely Americans have more than one holiday when he could have gone to see his kids (did he really not visit them for 6 months?). And other than the holidays being a reason for him visiting LA, there's very little about this movie that shouts out Xmas. There's a few Xmas songs and Gruber mentions a Xmas miracle but that's about it!
In conclusion, can we please stop going on and on about whether or not this is a Xmas movie (unless you just like arguing!) and just agree to disagree based on your own definition of a Xmas movie!
Btw Die Hard is a hell of a film and probably deserves an 8 or 9 but I rate films according to whether or not I want to see them again and in this case I only watched it again to see why people insist it's a Xmas movie!
First Blood (1982)
The greatest political thriller ever made
And maybe the greatest film too!
This movie describes the dangers of state power and the abuse that too much state power inevitably entails. One sad, lonely, pathetic homeless man, or bum as the #LibLabCon would call him, is bullied, harassed and brutalised by state power. When he attempts to escape he is hunted down like a dog and the media collude with the state to brand him a "terrorist" and portray those who had brutalised him as brave, courageous heroes!
Never forget. Never trust them. The fight between "left" and "right" is as bout as real as the WWE, with the MSM playing the role of the referee to convince us it's genuine! There is no left and right, just top and bottom, with the 1% p*ssing down on us from a great height!
We do NOT live in "representative" or "liberal" or "parliamentary" democracies: we live in dictatorships! They may be representative or liberal or parliamentary but dictatorships they be! They may be better than China or Russia, or India or Iran, but is that really the level we aspire to?
Don't let them win. Fight the power. Vote Against The System #VATS.
Game Night (2018)
Is anyone really this dumb?
And I don't just mean the characters! Even in a "comedy" some things have to make sense but it stretches credulity beyond breaking point for ANYONE to be as stupid as the people in this film!
They couldn't tell that the kidnappers weren't faking the fighting or that the fake cop had been genuinely knocked out? They had no idea the gun was real? Gary, a cop, had hired convicts to genuinely kidnap Brookes (since he wasn't in on it, it was a genuine kidnap) and to actually beat him and restrain him? It didn't occur to him to ask why they searched his pc for a genuine criminal?
I can't believe the TV guide said this was worth watching! Lesson learned, I'll check IMDB ratings next time I plan to watch a movie though I notice this one had surprisingly high ratings!
Ad Astra (2019)
So slow it seemed to drag on for hours
Boring doesn't even begin to cover the pace of this film. Nothing happens until about 15 minutes from the end.... and when it does, it doesn't make sense! If it took Tommy Lee Jones 16years to get to Neptune, how did Brad Pitt get there in 87 days? Why would anyone, let alone an elite astronaut like Brad Pitt suffer "physical and mental" problems after just 87 days alone? Why did Tommy Lee Jones suddenly decide to kill not just himself but his own son??? Assuming anti-matter drives were invented, why would there be "chain reactions"? Matter and anti-matter would just collide and annihilate each other. How does a "shock wave" propel a ship back to earth when there is no air in space?!? Not just boring, but made no sense! Yo Pitt, I want my money back for this pile of pretentious cr*p!!!
Mulholland Dr. (2001)
David Lynch is for fans only
I think I've figured something out; Lynch makes puzzles which his fans like to solve. Not for them a straightforward beginning, middle and end, even if it's not necessarily in that order; they need a puzzle to solve. Maybe it makes them feel superior to us peasants, but what they hey, each to their own!
Anyway, after spending several more hours reading reviews etc to try and find out what the hell this film is about, than actually watching the film itself, here's what I've picked up: it's all a dream up to the part where the cowboy says it's time to wake up and thereafter it's "real life" but told in a non-linear fashion (so the ashtray explains that we've moved back in time. But when Betty/Rita first go to "Diane's" place, her aunt appears to be leaving so I'm not sure if there's some sort of flashback within a flashback or a timeloop!
Scottand (I think he calls himself) did a very good explanation for those who want more/better details.
The Flesh and Blood Show (1972)
Absolutely Terrible!
How is it possible for movies this bad to get made??? Didn't anyone look at the script? Or was it all ruined by the editor?
I feel sorry for the actors, most of whom did a fine job with the material they were given but the implausibility of the plot was incredible! Dead bodies popping up all over the place and ?Mike (the Director or Producer or something) implore his colleagues not to say anything to anyone!!! Who the hell does that?!?
The only things going in favour of this rubbish are that they can probably claim to be one of the earliest slasher movies and that they were therefore pioneers who may have established some of the tropes of the genre and I suppose some leeway has to be granted for that fact as they could not possibly have anticipated each and every trope that was to become the template for the slasher genre.
The Unforgiven (1960)
Very creepy!
47 year old Burt Lancaster lusts after his 18 year old sister, and effectively sacrifices almost his entire family, including himself and his sister, for his lust! Or that would have been the case if Audie Murphy hadn't turned into a one man cavalry to save the day! Very, very creepy, almost Woody Allen-ish and certainly didn't strike me as being anti-racist but I suppose it is of it's day and if you're about a hundred you might enjoy it!!
Shed of the Dead (2019)
Like a poundshop Shaun of the Dead
Obviously written as a rip-off of the above title but the acting was atrocious and the dialog, plot and overall storyline meant it was a pale imitation of Shaun of the Dead.
Arctic (2018)
My God this film was boring!
The only saving grace was that the lack of dialog meant that I could watch a lot of it in fast forward :) In addition, the lack of even dialog/thoughts meant I didn't know what was happening half the time (Mikkelson's acting isn't that good!) and I only found out some things after I'd watched the film when I searched it on the web.
Suspect (2022)
Usual formulaic, predictable crap!
Brilliant ending but so not worth the 4 hours or so of corny, cliched schitt that precedes it! I had to watch a lot of the show in fast forward just to be able to get through it!!
The Outsiders (1983)
Not aged well :(
When I first watched this film as a youngster back in the 80s, I thought it was brilliant but having just watched it again yesterday (1.6.22) I can't believe how bad it is! No young man talks or acts the way these characters do and it feels as though it is a young girl's idea of what boys get up to! Maybe youngsters will still enjoy this movie but it's probably too dated for them and definitely too weird for an old codger like me!!
The Magnificent Ambersons (1942)
Boring!
Really, really, really boring!!!! I'm no film buff or historian so I can't say why this film is so highly rated; perhaps for it's day it was highly technically advanced or revolutionary but watching it in 2022, all I could think was how boring and dated it was!