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Phalanx666
Reviews
Metallica: S&M (2000)
Strange, foolish and ultimately pointless...
I don't know who or what ever gave Metallica the idea to "rework" their songs with an orchestra. Needless to say the (arguably) greatest thrash band of all time lost whatever credibility they had left with this album. Mediocre songs like "Of wolf and man" get a new sound with the classical addition hardly doing the song any justice. I might be totally illiterate musically, but hardly anything added to the songs by the orchestra is even remotely interesting. In fact it seems the band and the orchestra are playing different songs altogether all the time. As an old fan of Metallica this hurts. I can't help to think the wrong songs got picked for this venture too. For instance "Fade to Black" or "Creeping Death" would sound a million times better than "Sad but true" with a classical arrangement. I can accept that Metallica isn't a thrash band anymore. I'm not stupid though. An album like this won't renew my interest in Metallica. While the whole setup and idea is laudable, it is altogether too poorly executed to be considered "great". I would go as far as to state it takes a lot of goodwill to like this effort. I've only read glowing reviews on this site. Maybe I'm the musical fool, but this stuff doesn't sound right. None of the additions do Metallica justice (no pun intended). I'm sorry, but as a thrash fan I can only frown on this effort as it reminds me of what Metallica was and could have been.
Incubo sulla città contaminata (1980)
Are those people covered in poo? No, they're vampires...
This extremely entertaining piece of trash cinema features a different take on the whole zombie genre. In fact one might discuss if it's about zombies at all. In the interview on the DVD director Umberto Lenzi states they are not zombies at all, but vampires. So why are they covered in a brown goo then? Well... they are contaminated. Or at least they should be.
We're in for a treat from the moment the plane, filled to the brim with maniacal and bloodthirsty ghouls, lands. They rampage through the city, eating unsuspecting citizens along the way. In the meantime a bunch of army generals waffle endlessly about the vampire plague.
This is no-brainer cheese entertainment, the vampires are dismembered, torched, shot and *insert gruesome death here*. The dialogue is especially cheesy, with one of the best monologues in Italian trash cinema: some creepy moustache guy blabbering "You don't fool me Major. I want to live... you calling me crazy... you calling me... I am not crazy... WHAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!". after which creepy moustache guy gets gunned down by an automatic rifle and hits the floor with a loud tud. Towards the end watch for the vampire holding the sickle, he's particularly lame.
This is a fun film to watch with plenty of gore and though "surprise" ending is somewhat cheap... "The nightmare becomes reality" You wish...
The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover (1989)
How many insults can you stomach?
Every once in a while there is this movie that just stuns me. "The cook , the thief, his wife and her lover" (henceforth "CTWL") does just that. It's funny, witty, cynical, visceral, visually stunning and it features the most vile character ever put to film. Michael Gambons' brutally violent Albert Spica curses, insults, spits like no movie personality has ever done before. It is a joy (or a nightmare, depending on your own views) to hear him deliver a line like "I think these Ethiopians like starving, it keeps them slim and graceful". The film focuses on the relationship of Albert and Georgina Spica and in particular the lavish gourmet fixation of Albert Spicain his own restaurant, which is the setting for a number events that will change the lives of the protagonists forever.
Albert's wife Georgina is a graceful woman, unhappily married to this raving maniac. She decides she could use some love and adventure in her life again and starts an intimate relationship with a client of said restaurant. Albert is blissfully unaware of this and fails to notice this relationship, because he is too caught up in his egotistical pursuits. The cook is the balance in this whole story, he provides the necessary comfort, wise advice and off course the gourmet feasts that Spica values so much. However while Albert Spica stands out as the true villain, in the end all of them are damned by committing a truly repulsive act. Some might call it poetic justice for Albert Spica... In the meantime there's Albert Spica, a man bereft of all basic table-manners and conscience, hilariously trying to teach his cronies etiquette.
The film is visually beautiful. Amazing sets and use of color and lighting set the mood for various scenes of gluttony, torture, lovemaking and vile insults. The costume design by Jean Paul Gaultier only adds to the whole experience.
This film will shock you and make you laugh and it is never tedious. See this movie, particularly if you have a distaste for boys singing in a soprano voice!
La bestia uccide a sangue freddo (1971)
An oddball comedy about dancing lesbians?
I have to confess, I bought this movie only for two reasons: Rosalba Neri and Klaus Kinski. I have some kind of weird Kinski-fetish I think, I have to own every single movie Kinski starred in. Unfortunately der Klaus starred in a lot of cinematic garbage too, this is definitely one of them.
According to the extra's on the DVD this movie was shot in less than two weeks and it wouldn't surprise me if the plot was written in less than two minutes. In an asylum filled with sexually frustrated women, the wet dream of any self-respecting psychiatrist, someone is killing the inmates. I hope I haven't given away too much because that's actually the complete plot. Maybe I should check the "containts spoiler" box now... There, I did it. There's the usual running around and panicking of naked women, the ridiculous setting (complete with swords, axes and other medieval weapons on the walls, just what kind of asylum are we running here?) and off course Mr. Kinski is his usually scowling self. The "surprise" ending shows just how creative one can be with a flail and a lot of half-naked women.
There are a lot better giallo's around. This movie can be fun when you're drunk or when you have a hormonal problem, but mind you there's almost 90 minutes of this tedious nonsense. Unless you have to see everything Kinski starred in, leave this one alone.
Dellamorte dellamore (1994)
Gna! Rupert Everett does the Bruce Campbell routine. Distinguishing marks: ALL!
Ooh, what an offbeat film this one... Rupert Everett plays Francisco Dellamorte, the caretaker of the small Buffalora cemetery, where dead people have the tendency to return to the world of the living within the first week of the burial. Assisted by his retarded friend and gravedigger Gnaghi, he puts dum-dum bullets and spades in the heads of those "returners".
Dellamorte Dellamore is probably the most interesting take on the zombie-movie in the 90's. Fans of "Evil Dead 2" and "Army of Darkness" will notice some (or a lot of similarities) in this film, but overall it's too original to be called a cheap rip-off. And that would do this film a huge injustice... Between all the gore, visceral executions, cruelly dark humor and the efficient mammary of Anna Falchi there is an enigimatic plot not unlike a Lovecraftian nightmare. It's easy to dismiss this film as pretentious, but again that wouldn't do this film justice. Everett's performance in portraying the cynic and lovelorn Francesco Dellamorte is right on the mark and even the assistant Gnaghi isn't portrayed as another retard, in fact he's much more than just that.
I have to admit, after the end of the Evil Dead trilogy, it's a lot of fun to see a man dispose of zombies with the same fervor of the late Ash. Shootings, spades and even the odd cross impalement, thank you Michele Soavi in these dark times for horror aficionados.
Horror fans, see this movie. Non-horror fans, see this movie too!
Hexen bis aufs Blut gequält (1970)
Confess you liked it and save your soul!
Indeed some movies are hard to review, "Mark of the Devil" stands out as one of the hardest. While it is clearly a 70's exploitation flick, it is quite well "executed". After all these years it still is a discomforting experience. This movie was shot in the midst of the "Witchfinder General" craze in the late 60's, that other famous movie about witchcraft, trials and torture starring horror-icon Vincent Price. It is obvious this movie tried to cash in on the popularity of that particular film, but it has something more going for it. The whole film is set in the lovely German countryside back at the end of 17th century and is said to be based on 3 trials that actually took place (at least that's what is stated at the start of the movie). Also the production values were a tad bit higher than the standard exploitation fare in the 70's, the costumes are great, the movie is well shot and a cast of semi-famous actors were recruited: Herbert Lom (of Pink Panther fame) and Udo Kier. This is a very graphic movie, the audience is not spared from torture scenes (and there are many) and it is still retains it's shock value after all these years. Not for the faint of heart, but nonetheless this movie comes highly recommended for fans of extreme and obscure cinema.
Stacy (2001)
Really really wierd and fun especially without subtitles
Allright I saw this one drunk (because I wanted to be in a state I could appreciate stuff like this) and I liked it, even without subtitles. It's just the kind of movie that didn't need any. Do not take this movie seriously, it is not intended to be a serious movie. It refers to cult-movies of its genre, being horror-comedy. *SPOILERS AHEAD* For instance a girl in a bunny suit (I haven't the slightest clue what she was rambling about) holding a chainsaw with "Blues Campbells' Right Hand" on it. That's just pure genius. People who don't like this movie either aren't big wierd movie fans or they just don't get it. I recommend this to everybody who likes absolute over the top stuff or just wants to have a good time because it is big fun. It's even more fun if you have seen Evil Dead and Dawn of the Dead and other zombie flicks. This movie will definately be shown on our bad-taste-night in my local pub soon. Oh yeah, though I didn't understand a word of this flick I tought the editing was good.
Yi boh lai beng duk (1996)
So you liked Cannibal Holocaust... (Possible spoilers in comment)
Apart from the most evil, depraved, sick, racist, schizo main character in the history of motion pictures this film has nothing to offer. Wait, yes it has! Extreme sadistic graphical violence, every curse-word in the Chinese language, human hamburgers, rape scenes, more rape scenes, massive politically incorrectness, racism, weird Hong Kong police men, even more rape scenes, a terrible infectious disease, gore, (did i mention rape scenes?), more gore,...
That main character Kai makes Hannibal Lecter or Jason Voorhees seem like girl-scout-cookie-selling prom-dates. I've never seen this kind of character in a movie before. Oh well, that's why it's a category 3 movie probably. The movie itself has its moments and the director has a twisted sense of humor. Imagine the main character running through Hong Kong, infected with the ebola-virus, and spitting blood and phlegm on innocent people. Yeah, that's how depraved he really is... The movie is fast-paced, extremely violent and innovative in weird ways. I never saw a coffeetable break a womans neck before for example. This movie makes Cannibal Holocaust look like a nice stroll in the jungle. See it if you can find it. But don't complain if you couldn't handle it.
I predatori di Atlantide (1983)
Typical Deodato crap
I saw this film a couple of years ago and didn't like it one bit back then. I saw it again last week and it even made worse second impression. Here's the story: scientists, Atlantis, moronic motorcycle gang. Shake it together and let it stir for about an hour and half and add one messed up Italian director... et voila: one rather uninspiring Z-movie. I gave it a 2 out of 10 because it made me laugh sporadically.
Watch this abomination only after Spanish superman movies or giant-carnivorous-rabbit-flicks. Or not...
Hercules (1983)
Ouch, this one caused severe head trauma
Weird flick with even weirder Italians playing heroes and gods. Greek mythology will never be the same after this abomination. Lou Ferrigno does an astoundingly disgusting acting job as Hercules and ranks right at the bottom of the trash bin with Miles O'Keeffe (the star of such movies as "Ator, the Fighting Eagle" and "Ator, the Blade Master") and the Paul twins (The Barbarians). This terrible no-brainer flick shows Zeus throwing lightning bolts to earth all the time and cryptic, incomprehensable dialogues wonderfully dubbed in English. Make sure you don't miss the medusa-scene it's hilarious. Another masterpiece in Italian cinema.
I showed the movie to my 6-year-old cousin once while babysitting... needless to say the boy burst into tears after 5 minutes.
It was a succes when i showed it to my very drunk friends on the other hand... hehe
Chained Heat (1983)
What happened to Linda Blair? Oh, wait there she is...
Sad... really sad. This movie has nothing (hmmm, well maybe Sybil Danning) to keep you watching. It also hurt my eyes to see Linda Blair in this exploitation flick. She certainly deserves better.
So what's the story about? Let's see... Warden John Vernon tapes the inmates in rather inspiring positions, while prisoner Sybil actually runs the prison and little Linda must fight to survive... Sounds like a B-movie, huh? It is.